The Adventures of Em

Animal Encounter: Silly Goose!

2011-10-01T17:37:00.001-04:00

This morning I was relaxing and watching Stark Trex TNG, having breakfast and hanging out with my adorable and venerable Gordon the Shichon ( bichon + shih tzu pronounced SHEE-shon). I happened to look out the window (as I am doing more and more with the warning of Winter coming the trees put up a colour show!) to see a large brown paper bag. I zoned out and kept looking at it, and it just moved wrong. So with closer inspection I realized it was a big bird with head tucked invisibly within its grogeous drab plumage. What kind of bird? I wasn't sure! As a car went by at a stupid speed for a curved (and obstructed-view with hedges etc) residential street, I realized others might percieve it as a bag, and had a small and important choice to make: grab my camera and waste precious moments OR sprint out in the street and give it a better chance at not being Roadkill Surprise! I chose sprinting.

I was not wearing shoes. Purple socks. I was wearing layers upon layers as I am battling a lung cold/flu, purple flowery pj pants and a green jogging material skirt, a black tshirt with a maroon cardigan. It was cold too.

I approached it, meaning business, and it unraveled itself and stood up. It was a young adult and since it is hunting season here - I wondered if it had been shot for a second and then tried to back it onto the grass of the park. Nope. He hissed at me! Beak opened 45 degrees then 90.. I remembered the rules of bird posturing: get big.. really big.. and make crazy loud noises.. I opened my ample cardigan as my makeshift wings and made bedlamesque-voiced commands, "come on, silly goose, out of the street!" and it opened up its bodacious and wide-spanned wings (about a meter). I won the posturing match but it glided further down my street!!

"Noooo! OFF the street!" I ran after it and herded it towards the edge but it took a good risky amount of time till he or she finally decided to work with me. He waddled upon the green and safe grass! Yes! "Good! Now stay thete" and I chased him up toward the backyard of the home so he would take a safe nap within view of my window. Mission accomplished!

Just then, I noticed neighbors watching from a nearby door way and a window of a separate house who did not seem to see the goose. They just saw a crazy girl running down the street in pants and skirt yelling "get off the road" in socks and with fresh Kleenex tucked into every pocket and fold of fabric. Grreeeeeat! ;)

But the goose.. Is safe!

Ps. No pics tho :(

- Posted using BlogPress by Emilie L

Lionel the Lionheart!

2011-09-16T17:23:00.001-04:00

This week something both horrifying and joyful happened that I thought I would share on facebook via my Blog.
Please! If you are easily upset or disturbed by severely injured animals, don't read this next part. Read Happy Endings at the end of this post!!!

The Sad Part
Yannick, my soul mate and best friend, heard about a cat with something wrong with its eyes through his mother's coworkers at a care Mansion. (He was taking his days off at his home in Cornwall, where his Mom lives too.) They were brought this tiny kitten, looking no more than two weeks old, and much to Yannick and his mom's horror.. The eyes were not only wrong but they had been shredded and externallized. Yannick hypothesizes a weed whacker whipped the lil guy's head at the eyes. They acted quickly, rushing the no name kitten to the vet and all agreed action had to be taken immediately, it was late at night and it was a fragile and emotional quest.

This was a cat who had been in the wild. He was flea ridden, but the vet treated it, dirty, and alone when found.

Brave Lion
The little one didn't show any signs of pain, no crying, no shudders or evasive movements when handled. No complaints. But also, no eyes. He was, and is to be, blind - I don't want to get your hopes up on that sadness. However at the end of this I'll explain research how it will be overcome.
Yannick decided he would pay for surgery to keep this junior cat alive! He waited nervously for the time to call and find out how the operation went, and it went well! He was so tough and doing so well. He could go home the next afternoon! And he did!

******Happy Endings******

So now there is a new feline in our lives, from a hard life into the lucky life of being selflessly rescued by Yannick and his mother. Yannick sacrificed a great deal of time and money, getting him the life saving surgery.

I came up with some names, but my favorite names had to do with Leo.. For many reasons. My beloved Grandfather Lionel is someone I have always greatly admired for his strength, courage, and wisdom. The kitten showed he has the heart of a lion, finding help instead of just finding a spot to die! He was born during the Zodiac sign Leo. He is feline so related to the big cats. He purrs loud! So after deliberation over dozens of names, Yannick and his Mom decided that Lionel fit :)

Facts about Lionel:
- He has been aged about four weeks old
- He is a long hair
- He is white with grey areas
- He has a a very strong apetite
- He is very affectionate and loves to be cuddled
- He wears a cone around his neck to stop him from touching the drains from his surgery.
- He is about the size of a large guinea pig.
- He is a very happy cat.

I am going to meet him in person next week, as he is staying with Nick's Mom during his recovery and until we buy our house. I don't know if I will be allergic, so I hope not. Yannick is smitten with this kitten.

I will post photographs when I can, Nick's friend Chris has some pics from last night.

Your prayers and wishes are welcome to help Lionel stay healthy and happy!

I will post some research later, as I have been reading about blindness in kittens online.

(the above art is by Victoria Frances, look her up she's amazingly talented)

- Posted using BlogPress by Emilie

Yup, another Earthquake! Eastern Ontario. August 23rd 2011

2011-08-23T14:06:00.001-04:00

Several back and forth style tremors felt in Orleans, Ottawa, and Cornwall.. Calling around for more locations. Share your stories and lemme know!!

Update: Virginia!!! 5.8 epicenter????
New York STATE, Ohio felt it.

Lol CNN still have not posted about Canadians feeling the quakes.

Update: London, Ontario checked in - sorry the comment system is mailing by not authoizing very quickly. Yup, it's the same quake!!

Update: Montreal felt it

Thanks for all your comments, I will put the info in this post as they come in and publish them once I can get the authorization to work :s Chaple Hill ty for comment!! You felt it too!

Update: up to the Laurentian Mountains!

Update: Pennsylvania felt it

Update: people are feeling it in Fredrickton, New Brunswick!

Oh and reporters are now starting to pump out the multiple locations. Good job!!!!

Update: Thanks for reporting in Maryland!

Update: Thanks for reporting Michigan! Detroit!

Update: Thanks for your report Delaware, Chicago, New York City, and Conneticut!

Update: Thanks friends in Sudbury, North Bay, and Hamilton Ontario. I appreciate the reports so I can see the distance.

Update: Thanks to Toronto and Indiana for reporting in!

A lot of people are getting evacuated in case of aftershocks which csn be more powerful than the initial quakes. We counted three here in Ottawa. Again, like last time.. My fibromyalgia was acting up like crazy before the quake and I had to lay down, I am always in bed when these things strike. Interesting. Keep the locations coming and I will post them when I can. I love hearing these tremor tales!

Update: the quakes were reported to me in Waterloo Ontario, Belleville, Windsor, and South Carolina. Thus ends my hour of amateur reporting!! Thanks for your reports and I will see you next time I have an interesting project ;)

After the first one (here I would say it was around 3 on the RS) I went to the bathroom and got another one.. O m g .. I felt seasick!! It was interesting. It was slight enough not to be at all scary but enough to be fun. Those are the good types of quakes ;)

Tip: avoid going to the bathroom while an earthquake is in progress! Feels sooooo wrong.

- Posted using BlogPress by Emilie L

Chronic Illness/Pain tip: Know the Spoon Theory

2011-03-29T10:21:00.001-04:00

Joining Twitter has been a boon for the stress of my illness. It is a Perfect analogy for how people with chronic illness and/or pain must manage their lives. I kept seeing people with Chronic Illness use the tag #spoonie and so set out to find out what that was. I was changed by the answer after I read said theory.

Christine Miserandino is definitely a Hero in the pantheon of chronic illness. Thank you very much for this amazingly accurate analogy!!

I encourage you to read the full article (click on pic below) but for those of you who want a quick answer due to fibrofog or rush:

SPOON THEORY:
Every day chronically ill people start off with a set amount of energy and tolerance. With each activity that amount of energy/tolerance is less and less, until the sufferrer must stop* - otherwise the following days or even weeks will have a debt of fatigue, pain and other consequences*.

Stop = Bedridden or must sleep or just do nothing.
Consequences = major side effects common to the illness, for example fibro sufferrers may get thick fibrofog or dizziness or digestive inflammation which leads to constipation or diarrhea.. Etc.

The Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino at Butyoudontlooksick.com - Click on the pic below to read it :) It will show how Lupus Warrior Christine used spoons to explain to a close friend her experience compared to 'normal' folk.

- Posted using BlogPress by Emilie L

Fibromyalgia Tip: Spots (Pain Tip)

2011-03-28T22:37:00.001-04:00

Tip:
Focus on a part of your body that does not hurt ar the moment. It can be big as a limb or small as a pencil eraser's tip. Focus on that art with all of your mind. Search for more places if you have some, again the smallest pieces of nonpain will work. If none of you is like that.. Find a place with less pain than the rest.
Focus on all these places with all of your mind.
Try to "grow" the spots with your mind, picture them dilating and relaxing.
Keep focusing for ten minutes. Just focusing on the painless areas will help the mind relax pain signals as it tends to overreact during pain episode and showing it less pain in as many areas as they exist will stop that overreaction.

As always: practice makes perfect. I have tested this method for over six months and have severe fibro pain: this works. Put your heart in it.

Enrichment:
I find calming music helps.
Press your thumb to your index finger's knuckle (whichever feels comfortable) while you focus. Doing this enough will allow you to have a Pavlovian response next time you touch your thumb to knuckle. Save the other fingers and knuckles for different responses - I will be adding more tip. When you train enough, day after day, you will be able to just touch thumb to index finger knuckle and get a pain relief automatically.
Breathe in slow and deeply: breathe in counting to four, hold two, breathe out eight, hold two, and repeat. On the out breath, try to do it gently and slowly.

- Posted using BlogPress by Emilie L

How to Woo a Worthwhile Woman - Meeting her Part 1 - Intro to the series

2011-03-01T12:37:00.001-05:00

After downloading and giving advice on the newish app Opinionaided, a great deal of men drew my attention to a problem so many men seem to face: How do you find, woo, and keep a worthwhile woman?

Qualifications: I have been a woman for 30 years, my job includes but is not limited to counselling men and women about relationship problems, I have known many women and men in my life too and have had extensive relationship experience. And I am crazy about learning.. Including the human struggle to find and keep and please a mate.

Note: I think any human being is qualified to give their opinion/advice on such a topic as we are all humans and therefore experts in the human condition in some way. Take any advice you get from amateurs or professionals with hesitation and analysis.. Critical thinking and common sense must be applied to everything you read anywhere.

What is a worthwhile woman? A woman who takes dating and love serious enough not to be flippant, and does not take it too serious enough to be crazed and desperate. A woman who can love and has the capacity to overcome or at least take on the dangers of opening themselves up to love. A woman who is brave enough to open herself to trust but wise enough to know when not to. A woman capable of commitment, tenderness, compassion, understanding, and humor. This does not by any means suggest that she should be obedient or blindly servile.. That is not a good thing. Usually those women are hurt and need healing. That does not mean she is not worthwhile, however, it means you cannot be a lazy man that takes advantage or her pain. A worthwhile woman should be able to spot a worthwhile man.. With the qualities I listed for the worthwhile woman. Worthwhile is sexless, all encompassing.

Flippant: someone who doesn't take you seriously in love is probably closed hearted and might end up cheating or just plain lose interest or you will do that to her. One must be cautious of flippancy but not mistake it for a frivolous sense of humor, or faking flippancy. How do you tell the difference? Ask. Do you take our relationship seriously? Honesty and outright clarity will not phase a worthwhile woman but improve her respect and intimacy with the worthwhile man. If your girl freaks out, do be patient and let her think about the question for a day. She may have her reasons, and the worthwhile ones will explain them if you ask what they are. What are your true reasons for not taking it seriously? Could it be fear that I do not? Could it be fear that our relationship will fail? Could it be history clouding your thoughts? Tell me about it? These questions may not only clear things up and confirm a worthwhile mate, but also bring you closer together in that communication and honesty. Keep the questions away from padding or fancy vocabulary as basic will ring true of genuine motive.

Desperation: people can get desperate, even the worthwhile woman and man. Don't judge too quickly, take your time and ask questions. Sometimes, however, desperation can be a sign of needy, clingy, controlling, manipulative and dangerous behavior. One way to find out if the desperation is bad is by taking your time in the relationship from the first moment.. A desperate yet sane and perhaps worthwhile partner will be okay with that. Bad desperates will get worse over time. Don't commit to any labels until you are sure she is not dangerous. The worthwhile woman will become clear if you say outright: you seem a bit desperate and that unsettles me, I really like you but want to know if you like me for who I am and not just a warm body or hobby. She may be upset or mad, fuming perhaps, but stated without sass and with kindness and honesty: she will understand your concerns and perhaps even benefit from such a query into her motives and outward appearance. Personally when my beloved poses me with criticisms I adore his way. It is not mean or teasing, he is genuinely concerned or thinks I could do better than the status quo. Our honesty brings us closer and we benefit from being checked by eachother. The key to this is honesty, no attitude, and genuine desire for your mate to improve for their sakes.
The bad desperate will probably get MORE desperate and angrier as time goes by. She is not a bad person but is experiencing a bad time in her life - men and women go through desperate phases in their lives - it's a reaction to trauma. But it's not a good time to start heavily committing. If you feel the bad desperate person is worth it, help them with their pain but keep them at a distance! Take it very slow. If this is a person's only issue that bothers you, everything else is good and you really are feelin' it.. Work through it with the person but make sure that you don't do all the work.

Where Should You Go?
Where would such a woman be? That depends on your tastes. Personally I find dating sites will offer a larger selection than just going out. But it is a crap shoot too.. You could meet Her almost anywhere and at almost any time. I want to put a thinking process to work here.
1. Think of the type of woman that excites you. Are you looking for a sportive or sedentary relationship? Are you into goths or maybe classic women? Are you into big girls, skinny girls, short girls, tall girls, tomboys, girly girls, babydoll girls, dancers, clubbers (dance that is), philanthropic girls, mean girls, etc? Each "fishing spot" can be related to each girl type. The Fishing Spot reveals much about the person. Or hunting grounds, as I enjoyed calling it ;)
Think about the places you have already tried. Three of them for this exercise then answer the following: (example to follow)
1. What type of place is this?
2. What activities take place?
3. Stereotypically who goes there?
4. Why would someone want to go to this place?
5. What is the environment like?
6. What vices are apparent there?
7. What hours do you want to go and what is peak time?
8. Do you fit into the "scene"?
9. Is it a good fun place even without meeting someone?

Example 1: Jake
Jake is a large sportsloving bear of a man who loves his opposite like so many of us do. He wants to find a petite feminine woman, sweet and funny, talkative and considerate with a timid side and also a homebody. He is going to examine his "fishing spot". His name and the name of the establishment have been changed.
Place one: Don's Sports Bar and Poolhall
1. A sports bar, pool hall, and local drinking hole.
2. A place to play pool and darts and the occassional arcade tournament on Deer Hunter or Drivin' USA. The bar is substantial and there are six tv's constantly on sports. There is a trivia game socially played.
3. Sports fan, local drinkers and socializers, friends together for the sports and games, heavy drinkers during the entire day, late night partiers, and of course random bar fans.
4. To play games, watch sports, meet people, drink, socialize, etc.
5. Dark, loud, occassional screams of joy or horror, oak furniture, dim pool lights, a mix of games depending on the night, smells like beer and peanuts, relaxed, and down to earth. Trophies and pictures on the wall. Open concept.
6. Drinking, outside smoking, gambling. Overeating on wings and other yummy bar food. Salty.
7. He visits during the day at four to five, and during the evening from nine to two in the morning. Special game nights.
8. Most of the time, Jake is tired of the bar scene but is also tired of being single. He would prefer a change.
9. He forces himself on most nights but still loves to see sports on a better tv. Drinks to make it more interesting but otherwise doesn't overdo it. Trivia has lost its magic but arcade still is okay.
So after answering these questions, Jake then analyzed if that fits with what he wants. Separate the traits, work with stereotypes as most people do and will gravitate towards their roles.. Most times in order to find who they want.
1. Does the place fit your personality? Not quiet but a little. He is a fun guy who likes sports and games, but it is too dark and normal for that part of him who wants something new. Jake isn't some stereotypical pidegeon-hole-able man, not two dimensional. But working on advertising a part of himself is a good step. So this place does fit a part of him. What to take away from this: not the ideal representation, but on occasion. This could be an occasional fishing spot.
2. Does this place flatter your better side? Not so much, although his skills at pool and darts has been known to turn a head. Takeaway: occasionally good.
3. Would your ideal stereotype spend a lot of time here? Not really, Jake replied, but she could stop by on rare occasion. Would she be impressed with you being in this place? Not overly. Maybe slightly amused by his skills. takeaway: occasional, rarely.
4. Does this place offer a high probability of exposing you to your ideal mate? Probably not.

So where, then, should Jake go to have a high probability of finding Her? A place that suits her style. Suits that kind of woman.
I want to impress upon any reader that stereotypes are only for the purpose of probability. Common sense is your best fool in the tackle box of ideal mate fishing. You navigate in a three dimensional world using two dimensional tools, but you need to use common sense to go the rest of the way, otherwise you get a two dimensional girl. Use a gps but keep your eyes on the road and signs.

Back to the road. So where would a feminine, sweet, verbose and funny homebody be?
Firstly, at home. Homebodies will hunt in the internet, when they HAVE to go out, and special occasions. Rarely will they go out on a daily basis. So right there your odds hurt, especially in places unlike their comfort zone. You will primarily use internet, dating sites. You will put a lot of time into this and at times you will want to give up.. But keep at it.

Homebody or Shut-In?
Some homebodies are reclusive people, sometimes anti social, sometimes phobic of wide space or cramped crowds. This might be a big problem, so probe this out quickly! Sometimes it is not a choice, sometimes it is. Don't blatantly come out and ask if the woman is a shut in.. Be tactful, tact being a major skill for attracting women. If you need a mate who is social and city loving, you need to filter people out of the mix.. However borderline reclusive folks can sometimes be swayed back into the social world through slow steps. Point being, if you love her enough.. Compromises can be made. Dealbreakers come later, this article is about finding Her.

There are obvious places we all need to go, and this can prove to be a wonderful way to meet people if you have enough bravery. Places like: grocery store, gas station, dentist's office, hardware store, bus-train-subway stations, corner stores, post office, malls, etc. Why bravery? Well when you go to these places they are not always places that create pick-up situations. You also know very little about them and stalking them around the store to observe them for clues is damned creepy. Some girls like creepy, most do not. You will need to be brave, casual, and cute.

Cuteness is the opposite of creepy!

You might think jokes and humor aren't creepy but they certainly can be the utmost disturbing moments. Cute, on the other hand, is usually a safe bet.

This article is about meeting Her, getting a chance to see her. Following articles will outline the next steps. This serves as only a tip-of-the-iceberg starter article. Although it is long and perhaps not as concise and clean as I would like, I did promise my male friends this a week ago :s

I will write asap on the continuation of where and how to meet Her, and the conclusion of Jake's story.. Juicy!!!! Thanks for your patience guys, I hope this tickles your fancy and I promise more sultry slings for you soon.

- Posted using BlogPress

Vocabulary Building: Free Ap Review

2010-10-04T16:16:00.000-04:00

Ap Review: Vocabulary Builders

Being a big nerdy fan of expanding minds, including my vocabulary, I decided to download all the free vocabulary building aps I could have patience for... And then review them in order to choose the one that will sit on my device desktop. And yes, I know I need to hone my grammar.

I am testing not only builders but quiz aps and games, as I am looking for anything to help build vocabulary. I will be rating each on word difficulty and amount, presentation, ease of use, and how well you can learn from the program.

Vocabolistic, iPhone, iPad, iPod
First impression: this was designed for the iPhone, and also designed casually. Advertising lines the bottom of the interface and helps this stay free so it isn't as annoying when that input into perspective. You have gear icons that are the settings, a Home icon on the right for when you want to go back from the word lists and quizzes.
What I like at first use is the fact that you can select words from those you haven't yet read from those you already have read.
It is a basic program but has great word learning value in terms of personal study. There is a quiz function. I am definitely keeping this one.
The amount of words is more than satisfactory, the difficulty too, and can be browsed alphabetically by using the letters on the right side of the word list like a scroller. Easy to use, clean, and simple. You can pick up and use it without tutorials.
The definitions, however, are short and basic. You have the basic definition in a handful of words, then you have antonyms and synonyms.
Oh and I love that you can rate words by difficulty next to the quiz button. Sweet. Then you can access words by your ratings... Hard, medium and easy.

Next, we have Articulate!
Made for the iPhone but compatible with iPad and iPod, rectangle interface.
At first I was enamored with this, but then it stopped working (connectivity issues, saying I wasn't connected to the net.) I will keep an eye on future bug fixes.
If this works for you, I recommend trying it. It is a vocabulary quiz. Multiple choice. Great words, as far as I could tell before it stopped working. I will update this if and when The program works.

Vocabulary Bubble Free, Game, iPad, iPod, iPhone , designed for iPhone by Donoma Games.
Cool game. Easy to use, easy to pick up, colorful. You can even sign up to submit your scores. Competition is great for learning, and so this is definitely a plus.
Here is how you play... you are faced with a definition at the top of the screen (horizontal iPhone format, no gyro) which you must match to words floating about in colorful bubbles. There is a time limit, so you must pick quickly. Correct answers gets you additional time. When you run out of time, a final score will appear. The time limit adds to the learning experience greatly, quickening the mind with a frenzied kick to the bum... So to speak. But it is more memorization than comprehension. As a word builder on it's own you will not get that full-flavored comprehension aspect.
Definitely a great way to quiz if you are fast enough, and even if you aren't, it'll make you faster at recognizing and defining on the spot.. Very useful in conversation.
After using this for only (twenty) minutes my score quadrupled. Impressive little ap.

Next we have AccelaStudy, for iPhone, iPod, iPad. Rectangle format.
100 words in this free version. Satisfactory length of definition, but it also has the great feature of saying the word aloud for pronunciation. This is extensively important when using new words in conversation. How painfully embarrassing mispronouncing a difficult word you are proud of learning! This is something the perfect vocabulary builder would have.
There is also the wonderful context function which gives two sentences in which the word is properly used.
There is a quiz function, very basic and dry, but useful and mature.
You can study the words either through:
Book format: flip thru the hundred words.
Flashcards: you'll hear the word through your speakers and see e definition on the screen, then touching the screen you see the word written. By turning off the pronunciation, this can be a great def to word quiz for yourself. By sliding on the screen you can then get to the next def.
Repetition: including pronunciation spoken by the human male and clear voice, where you get the word then the def after a tapping on screen and are prompted with the def and a prompt asking if you got it right. I really like this function, and it works quite well. Words you get wrong are repeated more often than words you get right. Great.
The difficulty of the words is satisfactory, however a high level diction honing student will not get too excited. The pay version would certainly be something that you should check out.. And so far that is something I am considering, however I want to check out more freebies first for this article.
The presentation is satisfactory but nothing exciting, which isn't that important in a freebie vocal builder review at all. Or a study ap for that matter, however it is nice to have. Clean and well defined, organized.
You can work out a study plan, view your quiz stats, and search for particular words.
Overall this is definitely a good intro to word building, but you will quickly hunger for more.

Next, PrepInteractive's Wordology Lite
There are two versions of this program: Graduate and normal. Graduate being a bit harder, and has no video section. (video section has videos pertaining to SATs) both contain a Facebook that goes directly to their messages, which have vocabulary honing skills, the videos mentioned, and links etc.
Overall presentation is nice, simple, clean. Student theme. Easy to navigate. Clever but not overdone.
The quizzes are twofold. A self test flashcard quiz, on actual flashcard graphics.
The word amount is small but adequate for the function of a demo. Thus you will not be spending hours studying on this. The second test is a multiple choice fill in the blanks, that is, it gives you a sentence and you fill in the blanks with the word that should fit there. I love that test, great learning tool.
Either can be studied on different levels if difficulty.
There is also a clever report card function that displays your scores thus far. It also gives you a grad to either shame you into harder word or to encourage your pride with a high score.
In difficulty, the graduate program has more difficult words than the normal. The words are challenging but not daunting by any stretch. It also is less difficult as the word lists are short enough to memorize in a day easily.
Small but this does it's job of making me want to buy the full program. But first, on with the two last aps I found.

Btw if you have an ap you want to add to this, please leave the name in the comments and I'll get to it asap.

Vocabulous is another iPhone, iPod, iPad compatible ap. It is extremely simple..
You get a word and a definition on different colored screens, an ad at the bottom, and tapping the screen changes word.
The difficulty is easy, although there are some specialization words that aren't difficult.. They are just not used regularly, in conversation or normal vocabulary builders.
Some of the definitions aren't quite on, but for the most part they are, and some of the words leave you wondering why they were included.
Presentation is simple and clean. Big letters.
This isn't what I was looking for but it would be a great tool for grade school or even high school.

Lastly, till I find more, My Vocab Builder by Amy... iPod iPad, and iPhone compatible. Rectangle, no gyro like the rest of the programs I've spoken of I this article.
I like this right away. Big word list, great presentation, and useable as a quiz too, as it is the flashcard style of builder.
There are ads at the bottom, no biggie.
No pronunciation. No records, no games. That is also okay.
In fact, my only issue with this program is that you either have to go thru a letter at a time the full way trough each letter, or remember which word you left on in each letter and go through the scrolling at the bottom till you find it. However, there is also a shuffle button between the bottom scrolling buttons that mixes up the words in the chosen letter.
Word difficulty is all over the place.. Easy to challenging words in every letter category. I find there are a lot of words that could be removed and only the root word remaining.
Word amount is wonderful for a free version, but we must take into account the words doubled through suffix adding that barely changes the definition.

Summary
In my opinion, Vocabolistic is the best out of the free programs. It's not just a demo, it is something you could really use for months and challenge yourself with. I am keeping the Vocabulary Bubble free, and AccelaStudy. The former for the speed training, the latter for pronunciation study.

Sorry if this article was all over the place cohesion wise, but this is a test for myself to see if I could write these often enough to apply to a job reviewing aps I found. The medication I take can make writing a massive challenge.. But I love challenges and I am pleased to try anything to help. I also hope this was helpful

A note on comments..
I enjoy constructive criticism greatly, so feel free to post a comment on my article or suggestions.. But keep in mind I am heavily medicated and I will screw up quite a bit. I strive to at least make some sense.

UPDATED. March 29 2011.

Vocabology: a great new app that features several "word of the day" entries from various sites such as Yahoo Education, Miriam-Webster, and Dictionary.com. It lets you tag words as favorites for later study and even has a quiz feature. There are even Word of the Day entries for: French, Spanish, German, Portugese and Italian. Very cool, will post a note here if I find bugs. -iPhone, iPad, iTouch

Hugs and happy apping!
-Em

Morale Boosting Tip 1

2010-09-26T15:23:00.000-04:00

It's not all bitterness. Even with severe pain and symptoms, I am a generally happy, bubbly, and positive person. Sometimes I don't appear so due to facial expressions and stress in my voice - but nine out of ten times I am happy and satisfied with my life.
Every day, and this is perhaps the most bolstering of activities, I make a list of things I have that make me happy and a list if things I am so glad I do not have. Usually I do this in my head, but for the purpose of blogging, imma list it in writing. Also, note that I don't mind if you put fibromyalgia on your list... So please don't get upset if you have one of the diseases on the list. It's not an insult. It's an example of something difficult.

Happy list for September 26, 2010 ( the lists are both usually longer but my hands hurt so I shorten )
- I have a wonderful and perfect boyfriend soulmate that loves me tons
- I have a wonderful family, couldn't ask for better
- I am in a great country with great medical care that makes my life so much less stressful
- I of course have the best dog
- I am in a nice home with my loving family.
- I have a notebook filled with lists like this an inch thick and rarely repeating.. Although some things deserve repeating.
Things I am glad I don't have
- I am debt free
- I do not have MS or ALS
- I do not have cancer, that I know of
- I am not sense impaired
- I do not have Leprosy
- I do not have a flesh eating disease

This is a small list, but I try to do longer mental lists as a bolstering device. Don't make each item too complicated, as you might get stuck on one and get depressed that you can't make either list long enough. Little things are important. Little positive things can do a lot for blue days.

New post!

2010-09-25T18:27:00.001-04:00

For a long while I've not written here due to pain at my desktop computer. I have a new interface, so hopefully I will be able to write more. Recently, yet more research has proven that journalling is good for what ails us... Including pain.
I am lost when it comes to where to start, what to do with the blog.. Brainstorm. Fibroventing and info, app reviews, Gordie, life. Sorry this sounds just like a boring regular blog. Maybe it won't, maybe it will.

First, bad. Then good.
Fibromyalgia has done a good job at painting me into a tight corner. Pain and symptoms continue to escalate. The pain scale goes:
0-10. Zero being no pain and ten bring the worst pain imaginable. My imagination for that ten worst possible I can imagine grows further than I am comfortable with. It scares me greatly that the pain keeps getting worse. When I was in high school it made me grumpy, especially since I didn't know I had fibromyalgia.. I always thought I was just a wimp. But as it got worse I started to see doctors about it. Growing pains. Depression. Bad excuses that I knew could not be right. So I started to focus on the most localized pain, the uterine pain. PCOS, endometriosis, fibroids.. Confirmed. But some of the symptoms didn't fit. More doctors, more tests. More pain, and more disabling effects. Fired from two jobs for going to the emergency room more often than they'd like.. Then the diagnosis. So I have it. People around me, not my immediate family, started to say things like "I thought you had endometriosis... Not fibromyalgia" and "so why is it disabling now and not in highschool?"and "if you're in so much pain, why aren't you screaming?" and "you must be exaggerating or faking because you don't look sick or in pain."
Of course there was much more stupidity in quotes, but I want to continue.
This infuriated me, of course, especially coming from people close to me. I was blessed with wonderful parents, and they always knew the truth of my pain because they saw the effects every minute they were around me. Others judged upon their experience, their thoughts, their ignorant crap. People I respected, or at least tried to. Long story of course.
I had two friends that mostly understood what I went thru, one that really really understood out of those two. One I thought did wholly but turned out there was a lot missing. Both very nice people and deserving of happiness, but of course you saw the past tense there in the first sentence of this paragraph. As the illness grew thicker and deeper roots, became worse exponentially, I became less and less relatable, and so did they. I changed into something alien. More misunderstandings lead to more fights, and they needed things of me I could not supply.
Thus as things withered, my heart ached and hardened to what was to come. The last respective straws loaded on my back and I was not able to support it anymore.
Next.
Another person was so obviously disgusted and doubtful of my condition that it came to harsh situations I would rather not get into. It continues, I think, but no longer am I getting words about it. To this person... I am a liar, lazy, slobbish, and just plain wimpy. I should toughen up! I should work full time! I should be stronger and tough it out. This is a painful thing for me, but there is nothing i can do.
For anyone who has an invisible illness, this is a fact of life: some people will be disgusted with you, distrustful, and disappointed. Why?
Why!
That question haunted me for quite some time, but along the way I have discovered aspects of the possible answer.
People that are disgusted and disappointed in people with invisible illness are usually people that try too hard in life, sacrificers, and work their butts off to less result than they expect. Working too hard in life means they put in more effort than is physically and mentally safe, and they do not achieve balance. They start getting seriously diminishing returns for the heavy workload they impose upon themselves and they see that as unfair. They work for the approval they think you should also seek from them. These people are prone to frustration filled panic attacks or even nervous breakdowns. Every time, these people have a distorted self image in intellect or body or personal value or spirit. I have met many, and they all carry a sick heavy burden. They fill their lives with "achievements" and other things to casually boast about to bolster their broken self image. Compliments do not easily work on these people and are usually seen as a jealous or sarcastic thing. It is scary to see how many people are exactly the same. Insults also have a weird response in that they are seen by these people as compliments most of the time and depending on the insult obviously. Insults mean the person is painfully jealous of this skewed person, hurting in envy, and therefore the philosophy of this person is strengthened... Although I don't insult these people I have heard their reactions to others' insults.
The biggest point here is that analysis is so much healthier than letting these people further sicken you with their hurtful reactions to you. You have the power to disable THEM. But also pity their sadness and sickness so as not to get too bitter.

Bitterness is something invisible illness will create.

I have a great deal of bitterness towards many groups. For instance, smokers who smoke around me. I have asthma which is brought on mostly by smoke. Yeah people have the right to live freely, but do they not also have the right not to have a fucking asthma attack every time they wanna leave the house cause some asshole is exercising their right to slowly kill themselves? ( Overdose is better, as lung cancer is one of the most painful and horrible ways to go.) I don't care if people smoke in their own houses, farms, or apartments, whatever. Smoking sections are a great idea! People who have asthma or people who just don't want to increase their chance of lung cancer would know exactly where to avoid. But every time I want to walk outside or open my window I run a great risk of having an asthma attack that can be terrifying on it's own without having a flare of fibromyalgia pain which always follows even minor asthma attacks. And having to put steroids in my body where otherwise I would not have to. Crack, heroine, coke, whatever people do I don't care so long as it just hurts the smoker, shooter, or drinker, snort-er.. smoking hurts everyone around you, people that have their freedoms buttfucked just so you can look cool and feel less withdrawal.. Oh and get that nicotine rush. You know you can get liquid nicotine? I hear it lasts longer and feels "deeper".. Although you have to watch the dosage, it can be fatal. Liquid nicotine also doesn't have tar and arsenic as far as I know.. Smokers really get screwed getting hooked on these things with the concoction of crap the smoke company is putting into cigarets. It's like they wanna see what people will tolerate before quitting. I think nicotine in safer forms should be used therapeutically. It is indeed used in this way, bow ever not as often as perhaps it should due to the cigaret stigma. And of course regularly used causes withdrawal when not taken properly. Imagine being able to have your buzz without withdrawal and addiction? There won't be a research company with enough bodyguards and brass balls to research how to take the withdrawal out of smokes.
I know withdrawal very well. I have to deal with it. It's part of pain management and stupid laws that come from people who abuse painkillers for kicks. Another bitterness.
Anyways, if you are a smoker and hate what I just said, think about it I depth. I can't open my window because my neighbors smoke outside near my window. I can't walk around securely outside my own home due to the smoke, without the inhaler of steroids I have to take mainly due to smokers. Expensive inhaler. Hundreds of dollars a year I have to pay for. The steroids cause side effects like weight gain. Which leads to my favorite point smokers reply when they read or hear a smoke rant..
That smoking is equal to over eating!
The most retarded comeback.
I don't care if you smoke. I care that it makes ME sick. Overeating makes the person overeating sick, not everyone around them.
Common retort: sure overeating hurts people around them.. Like parents teaching kids to overeat. That isn't a result of over eating, that is a result of one of several things, complexity too hard to explain in one article. Briefly, I think most smokers reach for this argument trying to say how it is different from smoking without understanding it is a commonality of the issues. Any bad habit you have will be emulated by your children, and continually if you do nothing to discourage it. From working too much, eating disorders, chemical vices, to nail biting. Overeating and smoking are no different in this respect, however they differ in the overall effect of the habit. Differ, but both are still very detrimental to health.
This is not a discussion about which is worse for the individual, this is what is worse for the people around you health wise.
Full adults usually won't adopt overeating from hanging out with over eaters. It's not healthy for people prone to any addiction to hang out witheach other while the addiction is being satisfied. An inherent overeating or addiction disorder has to be in place, as healthy adults who are well adjusted do not usually just get hypnotized into addiction. Addiction is a monster, an illness to many.
The second retort, usually in a socialist health care system is that over eating drains as much money from the system as smoking... But is that true? Not only are the health ramifications of the smoker to be considered, but also the peripheral sicknesses from those within the area of the smoker when the smoking is taking place. Then the progeny of both. Then, most intriguingly, the effect of nicotine and other pollutants from those butts thrown haphazardly or even properly disposed of in landfill. Very interesting research is readily google-able.
My point, also, has nothing to do with righteousness on my part. I do many polluting things, as most of us do, I have vices, I am fallible and inconsistent at times. My point, which usually is twisted in conversation due to angry people, is that: I am tired of having to go out of my way to avoid on a daily basis smoke that could be fatal or at the very least terrifying and extremely uncomfortable.. Either way I experience side effects from the med I have to take daily due to it.
Wouldn't you be mad? Or would you take it up the butt (pun intended) so as not to upset the crankiest demographic? Well maybe second.. I won't be drawing any religious cartoons any time soon.
Also, the point is that I am not for abolishing smoking.. I actually think there should still be smoking areas for those who smoke. Smart areas that are contained and properly furnished for comfort. I am also for smoking bars, where all people including serving staff and management are fine with it.
Reasonable, no?

Anyways I know this entry lacks cohesion but I have to write in sessions as not to worsen my condition. Frustrating, but tolerable indeed.

2010-07-21T14:26:00.002-04:00

If you haven't already seen it.. you should - at least once. I saw it on Attack of the Show and required myself to spread it.

Egg-scavation: Turtle Eggs Part Two!

2010-07-12T16:50:00.010-04:00

After consideration and study - the turtles were in a bad place. Foot traffic, possibly car traffic - dogs off leash, egg predators - and a massive colony of ants.

Excavating the eggs is a careful process. You can't just go with a shovel or small garden spade. Nope. The eggs are fragile, easily perforated. They are also required to stay in the same position, as the fetus is attached to the egg's skin. Detatchment.. well, is bad. The turtle will most likely die if you do that. So - here is what I did. First, I excavated a thin layer of soil - as well as weeds and grass that had grown over the site. The picture directly below shows the site after I did this. The white isn't an egg (bottom of pic) it's the plastic spoon I was using. It wasn't sharp so there would be less danger involved.

Next, I dug carefully with the spoon, wiping away with a large paintbrush - bristles about 2x2 inches and 0.5 inches thickness. Slow and steady, turtle style! I admit, I was getting discouraged, I felt the eggs were close but I wasn't finding any! I was finding LOTS of ants and dead roots, however - which tipped me off. The dead roots had been uprooted by the mother, so I dug more in the dead root area. After forty minutes of diggin - I gasped. I could see three little eggs...

I marked each one by one - with a nontoxic marker. An X on each egg. I carefully excavated the area around each egg with the paintbrush and my fingers. (Make sure you wash your hands before and after this procedure - should you need to do it.) Remember, the eggs absorb things - (air, water, etc) you don't want to use poisonous substances in this process. Below, you can see one of the eggs, marked with an X - and a few roots around it. The roots were hard to get through, but of course worth every minute of it.I carefully removed each egg. Keeping it X side up, gently scooping it up with the spoon and my fingers. I had made little nest-like holes in some potting soil I poured into a plastic container. Each egg was nestled in its own little nook. You'll get to see this in the next post I write about the eggs in my home.

In one of the photographs - you can actually see an ant egg. You see the photo above this text? It's in the top left quadrant near the edge. There were dozens of them around the broken egg. Out of 9 eggs, only one was broken and being feasted on by the large colony of ants. It was humbling to see the ants heaving the eggs to safety as I used a paint brush and plastic spoon to excavate the nest. They rushed them to a nearby hole, disappearing one by one in beautiful order. I left the broken egg to the ants after making sure there wasn't a turtle in it. A bit of fact-finding. Are these eggs fertilized? We'll see.

Part three coming soon!

Turtle Saga!

2010-07-07T04:53:00.005-04:00

1. Tooga towards the end of her laying...

This is Tooga, an Eastern Painted Turtle (to my untrained eye and googling), she came to the yard in front of my home and laid eggs in late May. This is a photo of her laying her eggs - she didn't like it when I went around her, so I stayed on this end, further away, so that I could get a shot without bugging her too much. It took quite a while for her to lay her 9 eggs in a fairly deep hole in the yard. It was on a patch that hadn't taken to grass - mainly clover as you can see in the photos. I am posting about it now because, as usual, I've been struggling the epic battle of freakishly severe fibromyalgia.

Anyways, the scene was beautiful - a sunset, soft breeze on a nice warm Spring day.. All quiet and almost no one noticed me sitting with a sketchbook on the ground - sketching Tooga as she did her thing. I made sure no neighborhood dogs got to her - which was a little scary. We live next to a "no leash" park.. which don't get me started on it.. I'm so bitter at people who don't care if their dogs bite human children or adults. I would never let my dog out of my control unless I knew 100% that I had control over him not to do harm to anyone.

Anyways - here is Tooga towards the end of her laying..

It took her a couple of hours, then she rested on our lawn under a pine tree all night - and my Mom escorted her safely out of the way of the street.

Tooga was not seen again, and we left the eggs alone. Many dangers began to show themselves over the next month, and so something had to be done if these eggs were going to make it. Urban sites next to roads and no-leash parks... I wanted to give them a better chance.. and good thing I did..

Next: Egg Excavation!

Earthquake in Ottawa June 23rd 2010

2010-06-23T13:53:00.008-04:00

Update #2: 5.0 - 5.7 now - bedrock spreads the energy further - I've heard that several US states felt it - and of course Ottawa and Quebec. I've heard two accounts of the epicentre now: the St. Laurent River - and Chelsea, Quebec - North of Ottawa.
So far no injuries. Except the pride of a certain NDP conference - the same image of the conference being interrupted over and over again - same dude looking confused and trying not to look panicky.

Update - it was a 5.5 Surface Earthquake 11 miles down Epicentre near Ottawa - From Montreal to Toronto. So the news say, however they didn't talk about the width - although I know it went at least to North Bay and was still powerful there. Mainly I wanted to post as I couldn't find anything about this online - and the news was all about Obama's speech.. So just in case you're wondering sort of thing.
Many people in Ottawa and Toronto were worried about bombings, terrorists - or protestors going too far due to the G8 and G20. Some were caught in elevators! Can you imagine??

Yep, that was an earthquake.. big and long and reached at least to North Bay, Ontario only at most a minute after it hit Ottawa - around 1:50pm. I was on the phone with my Dad while he was there, he called not knowing about it - just to tell me he'd reached his destination - and as soon as I told him about it, it hit him and I could hear my grandmother scared.
I'm trying to find news on what that was on the scale, and trying to pick up all the stuff that's fallen off the shelves and walls in the house.
Weird thing was, my pain has been bad since 3am - I wonder if there is a connection? I can predict weather with insane accuracy due to my fibromyalgia but what about tension in the Earth's crust? Probably not, but it'll be interesting to see if the huge pain increases happen again before the next quake.

Now comes the weird part..

2009-09-30T20:16:00.004-04:00

Now I've got a weird flare up of tiredness... very strange and very annoying! Like the "sleeping sickness" but not from a tsetse fly. Trying to stay awake is painful and

Surgery!

2009-08-06T21:36:00.002-04:00

Well it's done now! All done! I had emergency surgery!
Just to keep a tiny update, it was both good and bad. Good - they got it out without having to cut me open, just the lap holes +b.button. And it's over!
Bad: I was awake during some of the surgery (was not supposed to be, general anaesthetic etc) and it's really messing with my head. But that's okay, I'll tell you about that little nightmare later. Fibro is really flared up cause they didn't take my fibro concerns into the surgery.
Really good: this is the beginning of the fifth night and I can sit at my computer for a minute! I can also walk a little bit and coughing doesn't elicit as much of a yelp as it has in the past days.

Besides the deep effed upness of being awake in surgery and feeling pain in it, feeling instruments and listening to chatter you'd rather be unaware of.. besides that - I'm really happy this is all over and now I can get better and see if my other symptoms improve. I plan to write tips on fibro and surgery that I learned from research, nurses, and people - soon.

:)

Operation, and not the game with Mr Red Nose and Buzzing.

2009-07-22T12:33:00.002-04:00

Quickly, as I'm uncomfortable from the "issue", I'll update and then be off to the busy-ness that is sickness.
After a stay in the hospital (my first overnight visit to the hospital I might add) I learned that a serious issue has been hiding underneath my fibromyalgia. I don't want to talk about what it is, as it freaks me out. Anyways, to top it off, I got sick out of town! Not too far, but far enough to cost tons of gas money getting there for the numerous pre-op appointments, and I may have to convalesce out of town.. which would be bad for my beloved as he works here where I live. Worse... the surgeon doesn't seem to want to awknowledge fibromyalgia. Yep, another person who doesn't believe. I wish people who didn't believe would get it, temporarily of course, until they saw the gaping maw of chronic pain and chronic annoying and depressing symptoms and the sacrifices you have to make in order not to get a flare up. What worries me about this is that I'm afraid no precautions will be taken to avoid a flare up of fibro.. so I'm bringing a list to the next pre-op with a nurse and insisting.
Sacrifices have been many in the past couple of years due to fibro, which have been incredibly difficult. Anyways more on that when I have some oomph, feeling sick again have to tend to my ever present fever.

Love :)

Underwater Weirdbeauty

2009-02-26T15:06:00.002-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YUmUUV0SSwA Deep sea creatures
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWtgzKDXHFA Barreleye Fish... transparent head, new discovery!

HP Lovecraft and Youtube

2009-01-31T13:48:00.002-05:00

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=yC0Gqt8VRKk A dream that HP Lovecraft has, inspiring him to feverishly write out the 'mare. (Yeah I know I can't embed these videos for some reason, I keep getting errors when I try.) Black and White, high quality download available.

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=sYrQRcy45RQ "Ryleh" a must-see for HP fans, great CG animation with a real raw edge to it.

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=XHpuAAnHdEc Very well done animation of the "Terrible Old Man" - so perfect!

(More to come as I find them :)

ABC

2007-12-11T21:25:00.000-05:00

Escapes and Venting Pressure

2007-10-01T00:01:00.000-04:00

There are certain places that are escapes from the every day.. escapes from the malign forces in your life. Mine are: going for walks, playing World of Warcraft, and meditation. Lately these things have been polluted by outside forces that have brought me down to a level of flare up that I haven't yet experienced. There's no place away from Them. Them is a generalized term for invading forces into the land of escapism.
Walking, I meet up with smokers, inconsiderate off-the-leash dog owners, retarded teenagers ( I mean no disrespect to actual retarded people), and just plain rude people. Smokers give me asthma attacks. Off-the-leash dogs try to fight with my puppy or they jump on me and get my pants all shitty. Teenagers regularly block the route I'm taking and taunt me. And rude peope, well I think that covers a wide range of things.
Online, I encounter dozens of rude kinds of people. I am an online shrink apparently, as well. People dump their problems onto me, then when it comes to my side of the conversation, it's magically time for them to leave. Of course there are nice people, who will gladly listen to my end of the conversation, they'll talk with me and care what I say, they'll help me out and I'll help them out. Nice! Those people should stay, and then my perfect little escape would be complete. Of course it's filled with politics, rules, demands, expectations... like highschool but you're paying for it. I get 200+ Spam emails a day. I can't use instant messaging anymore... that was just way too much intimacy.
Now in meditation, it's so hard to focus. I feel crowded by people. I feel sickened by proximity to them - both online and off. Sometimes I'd just rather be alone on the planet with my loved ones, and just live my life quietly.

I live a very simple life. I think that's important. Not many people I know like simple lives. It's all about complications, added problems. If something is superfluous in my life - if something is costing me peace of mind.. well it's time to cut it out. And perhaps it's time to cut out my game, and find a new place to walk.

I hate dating. I hate the idea of marriage. They've soured me on it. Especially the last one. Disclaimer: this is not about all men so don't get touchy. It's about what I feel would happen to me. I suck at picking men. 1 out of 14 men was nice.
Here's an epic poem for the ages I wrote some time ago:

TOILET SEAT ROMANCE: Portrait I - Sept 30th

Fall in love - glowing heart
Kiss, cuddle, touch, meld
Linger, talk, massage, smiles
Can't wait to see you, don't be gone long
"Where were you? Why are you an hour late? I've been waiting.. all dressed up."
"I'm sorry.."
Kiss, shifting eyes, heavy heart, forgive
Move in, happy, wallpaper, wood screws
Plaster on your face, I wipe it off
We collide on the drop cloth and explode
So happy playing house, playing love
"Put down the toilet seat please"
"Put down the toilet seat."
"I've told you a thousand times, please!"
"I see you haven't put down the seat.."
The seat is up, he peed on the floor. How old is he?
CLANG as I put down the toilet seat and sully my fingers.
"Would you shut up about the toilet seat?"
He's not home yet: she's a nag
He doesn't care anymore: she's boring
I can't take it, will he leave: gotta shut her up
"Marry me, my darling" midnight bended knee in the park
Marry.. Marry? It's the answer! "Yes! Oh yes!"
White dress, black tux, tears of joy like crystals fall
Proud fathers and hesitant mothers
Bridesmaids rotting on the inside wondering when it's their turn
"It's cute when we argue about little things, like when he leave the toilet seat up.."
Honeymoon - home again.
He's so handsome: she's so sexy
Sex, oral sex, kinky sex; sex, oral sex, kinky sex, sex: Fulfilled, fun.
Sex, sex, oral sex, sex, sex, sex, kinky sex, sex: fulfilled, fun.
Sex. Okay. Fun.
.......
Sex, ok. Issue.
.......
Sex as an issue.
Sex is a regular issue
Sex?
Sitting on the couch staring out the window...
Silence. Clock ticking in the background, echoes the toc, echoes the tic
He criticizes: she sneers
Personalities seeping away, lives deteriorate
Sex.
Anniversary brings smiles and joy: "I will always love you"
Silence.
"Could you just once put the toilet seat down?"
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Make-up sex, kinky sex. Fulfilling, you remember the fire.
"Could you at least flush each time you shit?"
He raises a hand, eyes flushed
The only thing that regularly gets flushed.
Silence.
Awkward sex, like strangers forced to kiss.
Home repairs.
Weight gain.
Silence.
Learn to cook, learn to sew, learn to fix everything he doesn't
He smiled today: she didn't cry today
Dinner date, ice skate, beaver tail pastries under the moon
Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter
Sex.
Mortgage, overdue, payment, bills, legal fees
Day trip to the beach, holding hands
Weight gain.
"You're fat" he jokes: she runs and hides under denim
Echoes of the clock in the living room
Empty, try to fill up
Full of stress, try to unload:
"What is with you and that toilet seat?"
SLAP.
Three steps back, bracing herself against the wall. Eyes wide, blood frozen.
The clock stops.
"I'm... so sorry," he can't believe
She understands, she tells no one
Diamond necklace, wrapped in promises
Of better days, and hotter nights.
Weight gain, wrinkles arrive right on schedule.
Why won't he have sex with me, she thinks pacing
Unkind washing machine tumbles on as she's holding his boxer shorts
Silence. Silence. Deafening silence. Horrible silence. Cold floor under bear feet.
"Why don't we go out anymore?" She asks, thinking: does he love me?
He sighs, thinking four letter words: needy, familiar, married
Sexy outfit - a secret bought during her lunch break
"He'll love it," says your friend
"He'll want you," says another
Take it home. Fluorescent lights. Mirror.
Blubber, veins, cellulite, mole; freckles? Or age spots?
Belly isn't flat, never was, but now it's an issue in that gear
Bulges, weird shapes, he's coming home any minute - "do I dare?"
The spirit of courage blossoms in her chest
Queen Latifa's wearing herself like a Goddess,
Margaret Cho's got the right idea,
Doubt: Elizabeth Hurley says she'd 'kill herself if she was as fat as Monroe'..
Monroe was skinny compared to me, compared to most...
doubts doubts doubts
"You're Fat" he said that year ago
Courage: Elizabeth Hurley is attractive for a transvestite
Wonder if she'll go all the way..?
Laughing in spite of the cellulite, blubber, folds, and moles
Courage: taking myself too seriously
He's opening the door, she hear his keys, lock, footfalls, briefcase on the couch
Lay on the bed, the Toilet of Venus except with a Negligee
Sexy face, sexy attitude
Up the steps.. he's coming
Eyes meet. His eyes survey. Disgust on his face.
"Hi honey..." his voice trails off, tries to hide the scowl. She's crazy. She's lost it.
"Hey," her smile fades with his, "you like?"
"Oh.. yeah, sure," he starts undressing!
Sex? Touch? Will he spoon? Will he massage? Bring the toys out? Handcuffs.
"Wait.. what are you doing?" She asks as he puts on some jogging pants
"Getting changed," he says as if she asked 1+1
Frown. What can I do? What's he thinking? Why isn't he turned on? He loves red.
Silence.
Birds outside chirping. A car honks its horn enthusiastically.
Silence.
Bed is no longer comfortable, neither is skin.
She sits up, cold and aware of her flaws once more
Cold and aware of his scowl as if it were ten miles wide
Wife: Husband. Silence.
"What's for supper?" he's still scowling.
What's for supper? What's for supper? What's for supper?
"Are you serious?" she can't look him in the eye.
"Yeah?" he's angry, "you know what, fine I'll eat out."
Storms out.
Sexy outfit is now a prison. She tears it off.
Late home, her tear stained eyes open as he unlocks the door
He's been drinking, he's been eating garlic
Pyjamas, into bed, tugs on covers. Goodnight.
Wrinkles, diets, exercise.
Toilet seat is up. Pee on the floor.
Anniversary, forced smile, forced dinner
Watch tv. Work. Sleep. Eat. Clean, cook.
Washing windows. Washing the full length mirror. Who is that?
She's hurt, beautiful, sexy - and covered in dust and cobwebs.
Courage. Confidence. Not so bad!
Anger. Disappointment. Frustration.
"It's been over a year.." she suggests: he tries to say kindly "I'm not attracted to you anymore."
What? Frozen again, but the armor of the Jaded covers her.
She doesn't ask, but he continues: "you're just too fat, honey."
"Fuck you," she points at his belly, "you're fatter."
His eyes flare again.
He doesn't ask, but she continues, "you're cruel and useless."
His eyes flare hotter than she's ever seen.
She walks into the bathroom. Back to the mirror.
I love him: I love her.
Pity sex.
In the mirror stares a vacant lot
We're in the waiting room for death
Work stress, home stress, family stress, house stress
Hugs, hand holding, love.
Spooning.
Silence.
Argument.
Car payments.
Familiar sex.
Maybe this could work out...
Compromise, cooperation, sacrifice
"I make more sacrifices than you!"
"Why should I have to...?"
Dirty socks on the table.
Hug, kiss, he's home
Who is he?
Silence
Required sexual intercourse.
The toilet seat is up.
Sacrifice, frustration: mitigation by flora
Cycles, routines, wheels turning
Sick: chicken soup
Period: he buys pads at the store
Fired from longtime job: he makes her dinner.
Automatic.
Aromatic herbs - he's making her favorite.
Peck on the cheek.
Rarely touching.
Holding hands as a treat.
I miss the beginning.
You forget the beginning. You now remember the slap.
Hold it against him. Nag. Hold it against him. Nag.
Why am I nagging?
He's drunk.
She's dead tired.
Work on it, work on it.

Oh... but wait....
He put down the toilet seat.
Anything is possible.
Courage.
Hope.
I love him: I love her.
They smile wisely.

Fin
---------

Of course I had to finish it optimistically.. I have to believe that one day some man will be able to put up with my baggage of sickness, tentative skepticism, paranoid fear, and history. And that maybe I'll get a man who I can have hope and courage in. A man I can cooperate with. A man I can live with.

The toilet seat, btw, is not literal. Each relationship has a toilet seat or two. Mine, with the exception of one, usually have about 10. Makes for good stories.

Why are my relationships so dysfunctional? Nature or nurture. I've given up looking. Too man sputtering starts this year. Too many men not interested in my heart, soul, and brain. I try not to look good... don't want to attract someone who'll only like me till I'm wrinkled and saggy. Then onto the next young thing. No, I want a man who'll like ME.

Forgiving the Inconsiderate

2007-09-30T18:47:00.000-04:00

So much has happened in the past few months. I've been on overload and unable to write anything really coherent. So I'll try to catch up my tale and defrag my memory banks ;) Here is the first entry in the catch up.

Revelation
I was given the wrong prescription this month, and before noticing the mistake (I take so many pills it's really hard to remember them all) I had taken it for close to two weeks. During that time I was very irate, introverted, and terrified. I was so scared and all I could think of is death and dying and how I didn't want to kill myself, but I didn't want to live either - I was done! I didn't know what was wrong with me, as usually I'm strong enough to work through my problems. Even when I saw my brother's family, I felt a strong need to be isolated, and I had a great deal of trouble relating to my nephews and their parents. I had a great deal of trouble being near anyone, or even talking on the phone. My own parents were hard to be around, as my paranoia soared to new levels, and my anger grew to greater depths.
So when I found out about the mistake: I was really exasperated by the situation. I go to doctors upon doctors to heal me, monthly visits and daily handfuls of pills.... it really pissed me off that someone's mistake had taken me a step back. I'd been taking two strong sleeping pills (hypnotics) each and every night. When I stopped taking them, at the advice of the pharmacists, I couldn't sleep for days.
Anger and despair gripped me, as I felt out of control. Many things in my life were making my disease much worse - people's problems, finances, health as usual, and the weather's cage around me gave me the worst cabin fever in months.
I went to the pharmacy in that anger, that exasperation, and I was quickly losing my temper with the pharmacist. She was angry right back at me, never apologized, and patronized me in a way that made me want to slap her. I felt like I was going to cry. I wanted an apology. I wanted them to know how sick I'd been in the past two weeks, and that I trusted them with my many pills. But this pharmacist was having none of it. She hated me and that was that. She even told me that I had to be more polite - and that it was my fault for not noticing SHE gave me the wrong pills.. pills that they knew I was sensitive to. Yep, I'm intolerant to these meds too. So my energy was being sapped by the anger that continued to develop.
I got my money back (a substantial amount, my benefits only cover certain drugs, a good portion of my drugs I must pay for out of my living expenses) and the right pills.. but I was so angry. I wanted her to pay, I wanted her to suffer like I do.. I wanted her to say sorry at least. I mulled over this for a day - cried for hours at my situation. Not just the mistake, no, the most part of what I was crying about was the sheer helplessness that came with fibromyalgia. Your body is decaying, you're on poisonous pills, pain is the main focus of your life - and fatigue colours everything you do. This is of course a summery of FMS, quick, as it is certainly not the point of my revelation. Nothing new there.
People generally make my illness worse indirectly. You know, people dump problems on you and then won't let you help because you're just a disabled naive person.. what the fuck do I know? I just live under a rock. I am treated by the majority of the public like I am a lazy sack of horse manure, faking or exaggerating, or thinking I'm milking the pity of people around me. Most of them never even consider that I am really in a lot of pain and tired, most of them never even think that maybe I AM disabled and need help from people every day. They make fun that I live with my folks and my folks help me out. This woman highlighted all of this by intimating many of the perceptions others feel.
I was sick in bed, my pain at horrible heights, crying and feeling so much hate towards people - especially this rude pharmacist. I truly had sunk to rock bottom and didn't want to live, I was sick of being treated like crap by so many people. (NB: not everyone treats me like crap, many loved ones treat me wonderfully)
So on and on I went, unable to sleep, filled with anger, when I took a risk. I got a note card and a pen, sat down and took a deep breath. I understood what anger could turn a person into, I understood that it could make you just hate everyone and be sick to death of them. I felt that the pharmacist was in pain, especially by her actions and words. I wrote an apology for my anger and told her that I sensed her pain. I told her to take care of herself before others, and to share her pain with others. I told her that angry customers just need to be connected with - they need to know that someone understands why they are angry, and that emotion needs to be acknowledged. My hands shook as I gave it to the pharmacy tech (as the pharmacist wasn't there). I wondered if I was making a mistake. Was I being stupid? Was I doing wrong?
A couple of days passed and I thought she'd ripped it to pieces or laughed with coworkers about it - my paranoia still high from the pills I'd taken.
Then, irony came, stepped in. The humor of the Creator, if you ask me. My lungs started to clench, and I had several asthma attacks. My lungs felt like they were wrapped by many elastic bands. Liquid came out. So I went to the doctor and he gave me stuff to take- my lungs were indeed (are indeed) in a bad way due to some inconsiderate smokers. (Isn't it dumb to smoke right outside of mall doors and blow your smoke at people walking by?? Even if you're not allergic like me. But of course smokers are touchy and hate when I get mad at them when they send me to the doctor or to get hooked up on a machine for hours. Sorry smokers, I'll be more considerate.)
I went to the pharmacy, and as the tech was filling my prescription, the Pharmacist came to me and smiled. Never had I seen her smile. Her face was alien to me now, and I was worried she was going to say something mean through her teeth. But no. She thanked me for my consideration and was really touched by it. She was happy!
Such a small thing, I know. I didn't do anything Ghandiesque, but it took a lot of pain to turn my anger into forgiveness... to see that others are suffering. To give up my indignation and consider the plight of the person who's making me angry. It's so essential that we are forgiving.

I find that people see forgiveness as a weakness.. as an admittance of being evil... or as a way to sneak out of trouble. It's such a hard process to let down our personal pride, our dignity - both trashy qualities if you ask me - to give up revenge.. to give up our Cross to bear. When I stripped away my hate and my indignation, a pure emotion came over me - a neutral feeling that made me feel strong and weak at the same time.

We all need understanding.. even if the person we hate or dislike isn't understanding us - it's our duty to try to understand them. Otherwise we're just in a shell of pride, thicker and thicker until all we want to do is shy away from society... or worse, die.

On a last note, I don't feel that the pharmacist is lower than me because she didn't do what I did. People are people, at different stages of life and realization. I'd be stupid to expect reciprocation, for all I know she could be dying of a painful cancer. Emotions, like furious whirlwinds, stop people from seeing clearly. Life is too short to be mad. Life is too short to throw away our purity - however small the amount is left within us.

Creative Charity Drive for FMS that Anyone Can DO

2007-09-24T10:53:00.000-04:00

First, the actual site for the clothespin challenge, and how to get your kit. Then, the article I learned about it from - which I learned about thru a lovely lady on the online FM support group.

This is the neatest idea for a Fibromyalgia charity drive... Click to learn more about:

"The Fibromyalgia Clothespin Challenge: Awareness at Your Fingertips"

I love it when they find creative ways to gather up money for research and development. In case you hate clicking, here's a tidbit.

"The National Fibromyalgia Association today launched “The Fibromyalgia Clothespin Challenge: Awareness at Your Fingertips” to commemorate September Pain Awareness Month. The objective is to keep a clothespin on your finger for 30 minutes. For each minute that you fail to keep the clothespin on your finger, a donation will be made to the National Fibromyalgia Association. (So, if you can only keep the clothespin on your finger for 10 minutes, and you pledge to donate $5 per minute, your donation is $100.)

“Fibromyalgia means living with stabbing, burning, throbbing pain every day,” says Lynne Matallana, president of the National Fibromyalgia Association who was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in 1995. “With this challenge, we want to call attention to the fact that you can remove the pain when you remove the clothespin, but imagine if you cannot. That’s what it feels like for people who have fibromyalgia.”

groan.

2007-09-23T00:32:00.000-04:00

I am losing myself a little bit here and there. Like I'm melting in a giant oven and the heat is cooking my heart and soul into little walnuts of coal. A handful of reasons to stay keep me away from the great precipice I ache for daily. I will stay. Stay is a strange word in that context. Like an anvil.

New posts

2007-08-11T13:06:00.001-04:00

It's been a really long time since I've posted on this blog.. but I hope to post more soon... I am posting on my private journal, which I am posting under an alias. I'm also playing World of Warcraft, which has taken over my dear Guild Wars... More later.

Tabard Competition

2007-08-11T13:02:00.000-04:00

FMS Awareness Day entry #2

2007-05-12T21:53:00.000-04:00

SO I wrote this to most of the contacts in my address book:
------------------------------------------------
Prescript: I don't expect you to read this all in one go, but please send it to everyone you know.

Hello Family and Friends!

Today is FMS awareness day and I wanted to take a little time to create a message to spread around, with informative media to educate and bring this silent illness out into the open. Research is happening, and new stuff about this illness is always being uncovered - I have great faith that one day a cure or at least an effective management of the disease for all sufferers will be found.

However, people still think this is an "all in the head" illness suffered by lazy folks, hypochondriacs, or just plain exaggeration... which is an extreme insult to anyone who suffers (24 hours, 365 days a year, for all their life) the pain and many symptoms associated with the disease. Awareness is the key to more research, understanding, tolerance, and most importantly - we won't be wrongly ashamed to tell people about our disease, dreading the usual judgemental responses.

I thought instead of sending just text site links, I'd give you some video links this time - videos tend to hold the attention span more easily than text, don't you think?

Fibromyalgia Video - a brief YouTube documentary on the illness.

Symptom Video - Covers the most widely experienced symptoms.
The P.A.N.D.O.R.A. International Video Advocacy contest winner (click here), very well done.
A great and brief CDC&P public service announcement video.

A personal account of FMS - blurry but the personal, emotional, and personal perspective aspect really come through. Here's another personal account - very detailed, but you'll have to turn up your speakers, it's quiet. I love how real this is, you can really taste the fatigue - physical, mental, and spiritual. Here is a real look at a pain attack, which a high percentage of FMS sufferers have experienced first hand. Also the aforementioned video shows the caretaker of this British FMS patient.

And last, but certainly not least, this wonderful Fibromyalgia Awareness video, that really shows how ignored this illness is, despite its severity. I especially like how the creator of this video pointed out that heroine addiction treatment facilities get much better funding than FMS/ME clinics.

If you need more info, here are some Websites:
http://fmaware.org/may12.htm
http://www.fibromyalgiasupport.com/ - this site is wonderful. News, resources, medical abstracts, tons of articles..
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fibromyalgia Wikipedia's article on FMS, along with a great list of links.
http://fm-cfs.ca/ FMS/CFS Canada: Compassion in Action.

Some Essential tips:
- Don't touch us, hug us, handshake us - wait for us to show you how, and tell you if we can that day. Most days a hug can feel as painful as a beating.
- Give us time to reply your phone calls, emails, letters. Sometimes the pain and symptoms consume our lives.. it's not personal to you.
- Once in a while, let us vent, and try not to openly judge. Don't offer obvious solutions, because I can assure you that most of us have read tens of books (and hundreds of articles) on this subject, we are FMS experts. If you find a news article on FMS, then usually we're more than open - news can be hard to find and contain golden nuggets of info.
- Help us. For the most of us, we can't do very much. Many are on disability for the simple fact that we can't even do seemingly simple tasks like cooking, cleaning, errands, etc. Once in a while it's a boon to get even the smallest helping hand.
- Don't judge, don't taunt, don't insult us about our disease. (Or anything for that matter.. lol.. we have enough to deal with)
- Don't comment on the number of pills we take. We know it's too much, we know we'll probably have liver and kidney damage later on. We've weighed the costs/benefits, and so have our cooperative team of very educated doctors. Don't think we're taking painkillers for the kicks, don't think we're taking sleeping pills and antidepressants for nothing. Pills are a constant battle for us, and we don't need more hassle.
- Don't expect too much from us. Don't burden us with responsibility if possible. We'll cancel often on you, we'll let you down, we'll get sick at the last minute, and we'll have to leave early from most functions we do attend. It's the nature of the illness, and I know how hard it is for family and friends to deal with, but it's as sure as the changing weather in Canada that we'll get sick at a moment's notice. It's not personal, it's essential to our health.
- Don't assume we're okay if we look okay. We're experts at hiding our illness, after years of practice. Many of us hate pity or negative judgement, and have learned to just keep it to ourselves as much as possible.
- Don't correct us when we make communication mistakes (writing, speaking) - as it's a product of brain fog. We know we don't make sense sometimes. We don't even make sense to ourselves most of the time, it's like being drunk most the time, without the feel-good feelings. ;)
- Don't be surprised at our forgetfulness, and try not to get mad if we forget something important. Sometimes we forget how to spell even the simplest words, remember the most important dates, or even forget what we were just doing or talking, or writing about.

I could give you a hundred more tips, but I'm on the verge of collapse after writing this. Even the simplest tasks like writing a letter can drain us like a marathon run.. draining us for hours or days at a time. More difficult tasks can drain us for weeks or months. Stress can drain us, flare us up to get worse, or permanently get worse.

Lastly..
If you have a hard time understanding how fibromyalgics feel physically, think of them with the worst flu you've ever had, with burns and/or bruises on your entire body, and you've just run 10 miles after not sleeping for a few days. You feel like you're 80 when you're 30. And you'll have to go through that every day, probably for the rest of your life.
But I'm convinced there's a cure out there, and all FMS patients can be cured. We can do it. We can get through this. Never give up, because one day we could be okay! Spread the awareness when you can.. awareness is the goal.

Thank you for reading this and thank you very much if you pass it on.

------------------------------------------------

And I got HATE MAIL back from three of the 50 people.

Why? They assumed I was pointing fingers and calling them a bad people. It was FMS Awareness Day, and I like to educate. I'm treated really well by everyone around me.. well except those three people who need to deal with their anger. Poor people, I wish no one would be stressed in this world and we could just romp around in meadows and amusement parks and sail boats and... well you get the picture. I wish people didn't get angry and consequently hurt themselves more than they hurt their target. - If people get mad at you for no good reason, they must have a lot of suffering to deal with. That doesn't mean you have to "Save" them, however.. people need to learn to help themselves. It's debilitating having people pity and coddle you, it regresses you into childhood and makes you expect and assume. Ask not what your loved ones can do for you, ask what you can do for them ;)

I must admit that my parents surely take such good care of me that I feel completely spoiled. I try to give back all I can in return, but it's never enough. Parents do so much! They go through hell and back for their kids. Well some parents.
I should never and will never be a parent, I'm too crazy. My kids would be paranoid eccentrics who know how to speak Klingon. Kaplah! (sp)

Back to the topic. I can also understand how some people that view my illness as fake might think the email was ridiculous. I feel sorry for them too.

This has been a great May 12.. next year I hope to have more goodness. Yesterday I was upset for so many reasons, but writing that rant made me feel so much better. I am starting to come out of my super antisocial period.. and even though I have less friends after today, I have more confidence in the friends I do have.

Fibro Awareness Day (May 12th) Entry #1

2007-05-11T21:31:00.000-04:00

~If you have fibro, I suggest searching YouTube for Fibromyalgia, ME, CFS, FMS... there are some really amazing videos out there.~

I'm pooped - Emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. (breaktime-back!) I'm trying to stay positive, but the pain is worse than ever. Yesterday my teeth felt like they were burrowing needles into my gums.. the pain was so intense and so unrelenting, I hate this disease with a passion. Today I can't sit up for more than 5 minutes without my back feeling like it's been beaten for a few hours. My eyes are blurring all the time, sometimes I can't see the computer screen without leaning forward and squinting hard. Sometimes I hallucinate so much I just close my eyes and lay in bed, watching the images painted on the insides of my eyelids. The anxiety is the worst it's been in years. I'm so scared, so paranoid, so terrified of the future. Feels like I'm always being hunted, stalked, watched, judged, targeted by some unknown that I know is irrational. I am paranoid about everyone, even my family. I know it's stupid, but my brain's nooks and crannies don't seem to. I meditate, but my fatigue gets the best of me and I just pass out for a few minutes. I'm so sleepy. I need good sleep. The first thought in the morning is about the pain that woke me up, screaming to get help - but no one can help. I want to get a massage again, but my pain is too bad. The slightest touch lingers on my skin with a bruising burning pain. I want human touch, but it hurts way too much. Constantly thinking people are out to get me.. worse since I've started to walk outside due to the good weather.. people seem to need to call me fat.. like they can't resist it. OCD? Who knows. The last thought before bed? Please God, let me sleep. Let me get more than an hour, let me be able to get to sleep without self hypnosis and a handful of pills. I don't want to count backwards from 1000 and then back again a good ten or fifteen times before I either drift off into sleep or give up and watch TV while trying to calm my anger down. Insomnia makes me angry. People are always judging.. she's not sick, she's a fat lazy leech on society. She's lying, exaggerating. Why won't she stop complaining? It can't be that bad or she'd off herself.

The shrinks who did my psych eval said I'm not "depressed". Does thinking constantly about how terrified you are about life have a name? Does it have a name when thinking of death makes you smile? One day it'll all be over. One day you'll be free. One day you won't have to hurt, be sick, be judged, be a burden, be a leech. Even if there is no heaven, even if I've hallucinated all my dreams of heaven being real, I'd be free of constant pain.. constant torture. There is no way to make the torturer stop... I can't tell him the truth, there is no ransom, there is no end of the war.. there's only pain till death.

But they'll find a cure... they say. Maybe, and I have so many hours of prayer and hope that one day they'll cure us. They'll cure us instead of laugh and judge.. they'll stop Death from being a comfort, and turn life into a comfort.

I'm being broken down block by block, my personality is fading, my mind is slowly obsessing over how to stop the pain, and I feel more and more like Alice down the rabbit hole - only I'll never reach the bottom. I fall and fall, reality becoming a fable... losing my sight, my hearing sharpens to pain me, every touch painful.. I forget what pleasure feels like.. Hold on, hold on.. don't let go of yourself. I'll never let go. Are these pills making me worse or better?

My life has become simple. Struggle to sleep, deal with pain all day, try not to binge(food), pills pills pills, panic, sadness. Luckily there's also: Family, friends, my Gordon, art, music, short walks when I can, occasional shopping, and Guild Wars.

Will I continue to progressively get worse, as I have over this decade? That thought I try to banish when it arises. I hate being serious. Pain makes you more serious. I wish I could have a holiday.

Chins up, my FMS/CFS/ME friends. One way or another, it'll get better.

Gordie's Daily Walk :)

2007-05-07T14:54:00.000-04:00

My puppy is 11 Months!!

2007-05-07T14:50:00.000-04:00

Now we're talking..

2007-05-03T16:20:00.000-04:00

Finally I got Adventuresofem.blogspot.com back.. for the longest time I was at Emandgord.blogspot.com since I was unable to post on my regular site due to the unfortunate porn invasion.. yuckie. Anyways, maybe now I'll start posting again.

PHEW

2007-01-29T20:29:00.000-05:00

All these blog problems.. makes me tired.. but it's up and running for the time being. I'm too pooped to post much (fibro gets angry in winter) right now, but soon I hope to update you.

Phew

2007-01-22T21:02:00.000-05:00

I'm back.. and yes - I realize that there was porn here for a couple of weeks, and no, that wasn't me.

Gordon, Post Haircut and Dance Move

2007-01-12T12:49:00.000-05:00

After his new haircut.. Gordon Cloudlamb feels so much more frisky and alive! He - flying - attacks all sorts of imaginary beasts, proclaiming himself as master of his realm and claims dominion over all that he sees! He's also a heck of a lot cuddlier, and has to wear a coat outside, but he's enjoying the freedom of less hair in the house. He'd get too hot in the house and pant all the time, poor boy! It took two days and a load of patience, but this is the outcome. I still have stray hairs to cut, but thusfar I am pleased with how much he seems to like it. More pics on my Flickr of the haircut session..

And this is Gordon after day 1 of the haircut.. doing his signiature dance moves. SASS, pure unadulterated SASS. This is after a session of rolling on the ground and then licking my hands furiously!

Momentary Bliss Hopefully Extends..

2007-01-07T17:36:00.000-05:00

Anyone who's ever seriously tried Yoga, Buddhist thinking, Transcendental Meditation, or just plain staring into space for long periods of time knows the feeling of a perceptional revelation or even just stumbling on a new state of being.
Yesterday, in the middle of a profound meditation session, whilst reading "Taming the Tiger Within" and generally being in a state of solid mindfulness, I stumbled like Alice into a rabbit hole I much enjoyed.
I finally understood some very intense concepts I'd been struggling with - after studying several Yogic and Buddhist texts - and realizing that sent me into a state of deep calm. What concepts?

Primarily, and more potently, the concept that happiness can only exist in the here and now, in a state of mindful focus. I've always been the kind of person that has these inner dialogues:

I'll be happier once I am thin
I'll be happy when I get married
I'll be happy when Spring comes around
I'll be happier when I'm richer
I'll be happier when I can drive

Sure these are all positive things.. but will they actually intensify happiness?? No, the emotion itself feels only one way. There are different emotions that belong to the happiness "family": contentment, ecstasy, victory, peace, pride, etc... however Happy always feels like happy. Happiness is the orgasm of getting what you want, I think (yep that's my own thought, I blame it on reading all these wonderful books). How do you get an "orgasm" without having huge good things happening in your life, like winning the lottery or instantly being the exact physical shape you've always wanted?

From what I gathered from books and my own understanding, you get this state of happiness by understanding a few things:

Many of the super duper things we want are really empty shells of what we truly want.
Most times, when we get those super things, we are less happy than we anticipated, leaving a hunger for more.
The great things we want are impermanent, but in our minds are eternal in a way.
The great things sometimes come at the cost of something else.
The great things can come at the cost of someone else.
The super things can require more maintenance than you originally thought.
The super things can break, and the bigger the want, the harder the separation pain.

And so on - there are so many things that contribute to why the huge things in life aren't what they're cracked up to be. They're not crap, however, the big things are wonderful too - but not at the sacrifice of feeling like you're unhappy all the time.

When we connect with the small happinesses more often, we feel happy more often - and therefore have more of a happy life. More serotonin, more dopamine, more of the good stuff flows through our body.

So everyday, at least once a day, I try to stay in a mindful state and count all the little things that make me happy - from the colour of the room I'm in, to the fact that I can go see Cute Overload, the fact that I have access to running water and a flushable toilet, etc etc.. the list covers such tiny and seemingly insignificant things - however, once you get started on the list, you'll find that it gets longer and longer faster each day.

During this time, I try to do mindfulness meditation as much as possible daily. You can do it while doing chores, walking, sitting, anything.. and it's really easy. At first when you're trying to get into a mindful state, you may be trying too hard if you think it's hard.. ease up and just look around you without judging anything. Just try not to think about anything, and don't zone out. This isn't about tuning out, it's about tuning in. Tune into the walls, the ground, the furniture, the people around you, your breathing, etc. Tune into everything around you.

Ok so what is the "momentary" part of the title of this post? Well, this morning the state had vanished, as my pain is nasty in the mornings.. it's like waking up in a frying pan. I need to get better at this so that it carries on into the worst of my pain, and so when I wake up I can hit the ground running instead of tumble like a butcher's charge falling out of the abattoir's wagon.

So now that the next step is seen, the work is imminent.

Hard Mornings

2007-01-04T11:01:00.000-05:00

You ever wake up thinking about all the bad things in your life - as if someone else is making you think these things?
This morning, upon opening my peepers in vivid grogginess, my bed became bedlam as my grey jello began to cycle through many negative matters. This was completely against my consent, an alien force (figuratively speaking of course) created this mobius strip of frustrations that danced around like candy nightmares forcing me to stay in bed.
I grimaced as the thoughts went through their fourth of fifth cycle..
Too early to meditate, too late to go back to sleep - I force myself out of bed and out of the anger and depression as much as possible - as much as it takes to get out of bed.
Bed is such a prison during these times, because all I want to do is go back into oblivion and dreams. I was such a happier person a month ago, so normal, so "right" and motivated. What the hell happened? I hate what I've stumbled into, and I'm trying my hardest to get out of it. I like a more positive disposition. This is a waste of a post.
At least I get to put another cute pic up to perk someone else up ;) Don't you love it?

Again, don't worry 'bout me, I will get through this insanity. Probably my pills need changing.

Changes

2007-01-01T12:05:00.000-05:00

The Year is so young! And with that brings promises and hopes that fill the air with a fresh burst of energy. I want this year to be another pivotal one. I want to be different, better, and happier. Who doesn't?

One thing about changing oneself and attitude is that you're whole world will change as your perspective changes, therefore offering a whole new universe. Out with the old, in with the [sic] mew :)

Isn't this bunny cute? Again, it's from one of the cute therapy sites I visit (see my cute therapy post)

Changes I wish to practice to change myself this year:

The Eightfold Path - I want to follow this as much as I can this year, every minute of every day. I also want to study the Four Noble Truths more avidly than the past few years. These correspond with Yogic beliefs, but I'm also getting into Buddhism since a good friend of mine gave me a book on Nichiren Buddhism. I'm still more oriented towards Yoga, however.
Get deeper into yoga - studying the Eight Limbs of Patanjali's Yoga, doing more Hatha Yoga, meditating more, and using my time more profoundly through serious introspection and observation of my surroundings. There is so much time in my life wasted by laying in bed in too much pain to move or talk, I want to fill that time with meditation and contemplation.
Study the Dhamapada - which is Buddhist/Yogic, the Bhagavad Gita more deeply than I have in the past, as well as several other texts on self amelioration, perspective, enlightenment, mental expansion, right living, controlling moods and thoughts, etc etc.
Work on my self esteem through reading, introspection, meditation, affirmations, exercises etc.
Lose weight through moderation, good choices, but not obsession - as food control obsession tends to set me up for a big binge.
Get fit through as much exercise as my illness will tolerate without flaring up. This is a tricky one indeed.
Do more good deeds, and focus on the good deeds people do to me instead of the bad ones.
Write more to family.
Try new therapies for my illness (as usual) in order to get off of disability some day.
Clean more in little ways each day.
Read more - I want to finish Shakespeare's complete works, Dante's Inferno, and tons of self help books, yoga books, meditation etc.
Explore the city more, if my illness will allow.
Write a novel.
Be nicer.

Some of those are lofty goal - but aim high and you will at least shoot higher than a low goal you would have otherwise set. I have more goals, but those are the big ones. Or the big ones I can remember. Now I have to get to working on a reading.

Hugs to you all :)
Em

What I learned this year....

2006-12-31T21:15:00.000-05:00

Here are some things I learned this year. In no special order...

A man about to retire is happy, a man who's just retired is confused, a man in the second month of retirement is frustrated and angry, etc. Retirement is like a little death, and not the holiday that was planned.
Have patience with people when you'd want them to have patience with you. Especially when you're being a grumpy bum.
Nice guys are normal guys with a "nice" mask and a reason for wearing it. Bad guys are normal guys with a "bad" mask on, and a reading for wearing it. Normal guys are guys who either are enlightened enough not to wear a mask, or too lazy to bother.
Men like to show me pictures, videos, and in person shows of their genitalia. I don't know why, but it's funny to talk about over dinner with friends.
Puppies are a lot more work than I thought. But they also add a certain unique fullness to life, and a reason for me to get up in the morning. Also, Gordon is a great name for a Bichon Frise with a penchant for kisses.
Eating Binges are an addiction and need to be treated as such. They're not the same as drug addictions, but the temptations are everywhere - and food is accessible everywhere and every day. Cheaper than illegal drugs. Although I'd rather be addicted to binging than crack or meth. Especially meth. Anyways, as soon as you see it as an addiction and treat it that way, it get easier, and hope is more tangible for recovery.
Guild Wars, Silk Road, Eve Online are all incredibly addictive.
Cute pictures have the power to turn a frown into an awwwwwww :)
If someone or something appears too good to be true, be suspicious - it is too good to be true and you're about to get sucker punched.
If you make a goal, in order to reach it - you have to work on it everyday, as well as your motivations for said goal. If you leave it alone for too long, it'll disappear over the horizon.
TENS machines work.
The old concept of one bad deed against you taking up the same space as 10 good deeds in the thought loops of the mind. Rude people, mean people, etc.. It's good to forcefully remember the good deeds on you, list them, and then the bad deeds seem much less important.
People will never fully understand that touching my arms hurts like hell.. lol.
I let out only a little bit of myself at a time when getting to know someone - I used to be an open book. When did that happen?
Blocking people isn't an insult, it's a preventative medicine. Especially men who need to send me penis pictures involving small stuffed animals.

That's it for now, time for me to go and celebrate a little. More on 2006 later.

Artistic Inspiration Turned Toxic

2006-12-29T21:58:00.000-05:00

Here's a great Koi Fish tattoo design a friend of mine emailed me when I was working on a painting for another friend.

It was a great source of inspiration, although she never gave me the source of the painting. I'm still looking for the source, as I hate to add a photo without knowing at least the environs of whence it came.

Lately I've been extremely inspired to do art, almost devotionally so. The problem with being overly inspired is that it imbalances the artistic process.

Inspiration, of course, is only a small part of the artistic process. Here is the recipe for good artistic production, in my opinion:

1. Inspiration and Drive to Create, a non subjective feeling
2. Time and energy to create the piece
3. A clear idea of what you want to create - and in what medium
4. Patience and Focus to Create (ie. Sit down or stand up and work on the thing)
5. A good skillful day.. some days are sloppy skill days, especially if you've been working your brain too hard.
6. Work, of course
7. Persistence to finish the piece, and finish it well

If you just have inspiration and nothing else, your work is going to be crap and you might as well just throw the canvas or sculpture in the trash! I have painted over several paintings that I just hated, simply because I was lacking in many departments... even though the inspiration was there. With that particular painting I spoke of (the fish one) I had a hard time.. I painted it over a few times, it was a rushed thing-a gift with short notice.. I need to have freedom of time to create something really impressive.

During times of nearly no inspiration, I've created my best works.. usually when my attention span and energy were balanced and life was low stress. Sure the works lacked the punch of inspiration-fueled work, but they were so much more detailed and beautiful.

Inspiration and drive must be tempered in order to be of any use, as it is in any situation in life. When you're just overly enthusiastic and impetuous - things just don't get done as well as they could, it's sloppy, it's lacking in finer "details", lacking meaning. Without being tempered, inspiration can build up enthusiastic energy and drive us mad from lack of productivity - lack of manifesting this inspiration.

Without being a proper conduit for this powerful energy, and letting it build up and fester like a compost heap, inspiration is toxic. You feel shitty because you can't do anything with it, you start blaming your skills, your resolve, your effectiveness in whatever area this inspiration comes from. You stop producing and start brooding. Further down the line you could stop the hobby, job, or whatever it is, entirely. How toxic is that?

Many of my clients have had this occur to them. This desire, this need, this ecstatic energy comes over them to (create art, run a business, travel, etc) but there lacks the tempering to ground this energy. Many have quit being in business, many have quit being artists, many have quit traveling.. too much hassle! Too much frustration! Too many negative feelings! I feel so sad when I hear this, and of course I counsel them to take steps to temper this energy - usually a lot before this kind of negative toxicity happens - if I can catch it in time.

How does one temper desire? Well in art, what I do is artistic exercises. You work on the skill in detail, in small steps. (Again in relation to art) Perspective exercises, shadow and light exercises, realism exercises.. you just work on your craft in small ways here and there - and as often as possible. Daily exercises work quite well. Of course I need to work on this more, as I am stuck in that inspiration rut. It's a good idea to write down all the ideas you have when you're inspired, even the little ones, as in my opinion, that is the best way to utilize inspiration.. when you're in a hard working mood, you can bring those inspirations to fruition.

Sleepy!

Still okay :)

2006-12-28T20:33:00.000-05:00

I just don't want to worry friends - I'm okay, I just needed to vent!!

I'm doing well and from time to time I just need to express the anger I can't express to certain people or anger I just don't want to express to family.

Ooooh rabbit on a scale!! I love chubby animals.. nuthin betta

Stale Biscuits

2006-12-28T18:13:00.000-05:00

I'm still feeling out of sorts. I thought I'd write about it... and post a cute pic ;) which has little or nothing to do with my thoughts.

Missed
I feel like I've missed the bus
Standing on the platform at dusk
Broken shoes unwalkable cracked
Not dressed for this weather
A note with a number, a hope, snatched
By the wind, by fate, by digits unseen
The bus is gone and where
Do I go from here?
Walk?

It's like apathy is growing within me, a dry urge to foresake the future and live apart from the herd. It's a deep disgust, a fight-or-flight reaction. I just don't trust other people all that much, and recent events have made me trust them a lot less. Thus is the refrain in my head.

Of course there's still the positivity - but it's so abstract now. Like a little rabbit that runs away if you get close enough to alert it with your scent. I want to grab it and feel positive always, potently, and with a zest I used to feel before I ever risked myself to open up.

Sleepy always, fatigue to the core - wherefrom did this new burst of depression come? Who knows? It's not me, it's the disease of depression.. I know it's not me because I would never have such dark thoughts.

Ain't that kitty cute? This world is still pretty.

Friday's Thoughts.

2006-12-22T13:11:00.000-05:00

------------------------------------------------
PICS:

Ok - first, the Guinea Pig pic is for me. I love guinea pigs, and I love animals in costume. I also love cuteness. I forget where I found this pic, probably Cute Overload or Imreallysad.com - where-ever it was... it's darned adorable.

The second pic, the pug pic, another one I have no clue where I got (I just collect them for sad days) - is for Colleen's enjoyment.

-------------------------------------------------

Thought for today:

"Ambition and anger will disappear when you stop concerning yourself with the fruit of your actions." - Buddha

I'm still doing okay.. trying to flush myself of anger, depression, sadness, and frustration. I am still keeping my head above water. Hopefully you are too.

"Singledom"

2006-12-20T19:21:00.000-05:00

I feel rather discouraged in relationships today. Like somehow the world of dating is just not meant for me. How'd you like to be the guy that turned someone off dating.. lol. Not even the guy who grabbed my boobs in the Ottawa art gallery turned me off dating. I guess this might just be the straw that broke the camel's back. My need to hump and kiss and cuddle and feel romantic love is just not as strong as my need for emotional and physical self preservation.

Is choosing to be celibate the ultimate freedom? You can go out when you want, do what you want when you want.. no responsibilities, no fights, no friction.. no trying to please someone constantly... no worrying if they're cheating on you - or if some slutty sly girl is gunning for your man... no waiting to go to bed, no sharing a bed or blankets, no worrying about farting or snoring when you sleep, no worrying about if your legs are shaved or not, no worrying about when and how he's going to say I love you for the first time... or when he'll propose (I've only been in one relationship where I wondered that.. the rest I knew were not the marrying kind).. no stupid friends you hate of his.. no friends poisoning them with their "advice"... no complaining about if you're showing enough love or too much - am I too clingy? Does he hate me? Is he using me? Is this some big prank someone's setting up just to see me break into little pieces.. well those last three are probably a product of paranoia - which is a product of so many fucked up relationships.

Would being permanently single be such a bad thing? Or would millions of married folk pray to be in your shoes?

Who knows.. Maybe I am just not attractive as a mate. Maybe I am Em the friend, the fuck, your distraction, your temporary plaything.. the plan B in case you can't find Miss Right. I dislike that notion, but I still can wonder it, can't I?

I need to get my thoughts out, my anger at the men who've hurt me all these years. 11 years of dating.. a long time to be disappointed over and over again. Maybe you've done it more years. Of course, the promise of true love is always a good lure. A cruel lure.

Maybe my heart's still open. Maybe I still believe things can work out in my romantic life. I've lost touch, trying to stay happy - keep my head and heart above the dangerous and caustic waters of depression. I sit myself down each time I get depressed, read a book on Buddhism or Yoga or happiness.. or I talk myself up for a good 10 minutes.. it helps. My head goes under water a few times a day, but I will find that island where I can relax away from the threat of depression. Maybe Christmas will cheer me up. Don't you just love that picture of the cat?

Internet Trends that Work.

2006-12-18T21:19:00.000-05:00

Animal pictures (usually cat)
+ silly speak
= a trend I like.

Click here to see more. DO IT.

<--- This is my favorite so far.

An alternate to this caption I would suggest:
"I'm in ur foodstuffs, adding sum sauz"

Enough for now!

Feeling better

2006-12-18T16:26:00.000-05:00

Hello friends..
Well I'm feeling better. Last night I was sitting there, depressed, and I said, "I'm tired of being depressed.. I'm going to do everything it takes to smile."
So I sat there, looked at some pics (including this one), wrote out a list of things to be happy about, wrote out a list of reasons I like being me, did some pranayama, meditated, read a book on Buddhism, and then smiled.
I was finally done being depressed. Thank goodness. I hate being depressed. The root of my depression is my fear of being alone.. and when you fear being alone, there's nothing like Yoga, Buddhism, and other kinds of spiritual philosophy to remind you that:
a) We're never really alone
b) We're always alone
c) Alone is a word that can be used as a positive or a negative.. so try your hardest to see it as positive.
I have a wonderful family, wonderful friends, and I'm extremely spiritual and in that have strong belief that we can never be alone - even if we try.
Depression is a Devil on your back, whispering nonsense and pushing you down the spiral staircase into your own personal Hell. Fight back in any way you can, and escape the prison of your own attitude. My attitude kept me down for seven days, but now those seven days are over and I'm all the better for it.
So no worries :)

The Emotional Pain Turns Physical..

2006-12-13T21:08:00.000-05:00

Pictured left is Lisa Sweet's "Backwards Figment" - She's one of my favorite digital artists, if not THE favorite.. as she seems to be extremely apt to describe how I feel.. This is one of her newer pieces, although this is NOT a TENS Machine (I own one) - it reminds me of one... and my eyes sometimes feel like they're being electrocuted (a symptom I have) - so this is a great example of that aptness. Not only physically, but today I feel like my eyes are the enemy. I followed them down a path with a man, and I should have listened to my intuition instead. My intuition usually knows best. Two days before the breakup I knew it was over. I felt like shit emotionally for no reason - like I was already broken up. But I'm not broken up, I'm still whole. I'm just in physical pain from fibro, and emotional pain from loss. We're always whole, nothing can truly tear us apart. There's always a small piece of us that's eternally safe from all harm.

Mary Poppins HORROR recut

2006-12-06T17:36:00.000-05:00

My boyfriend showed this to me and I really think it'd be a blockbuster!!! What do you think?

When you're sad...

2006-11-23T01:16:00.000-05:00

Before I go to sleep... it's been a rough day, but I got through it! I'm still here!!

My wisest life tip:

When you're sad, look at as many cute pictures as you can.. and don't give up, because somewhere out there, something ubercute is going on, something that makes this world worth all the daily crap it throws at you. Somewhere a kitten is grooming a baby mouse. Somewhere, a manatee is smiling at the sky. Somewhere, one species is helping another get through the muddy bog of this life.

Before you die, make it a point to spread the sweetness of this planet, as you make your way through the tart sorrow of suffering, and you will be a success.

I love this picture.. either I found it on Cute Overload or Imreallysad.com (My two fave websites). Anyways, interspecies love is elite sweetness.

Children and Fibromyalgia.... Controversy!

2006-11-16T12:36:00.000-05:00

I love children, especially my nephews. They're awesome, and my life has taken a turn for the best having them in my life. They're bright rays of sunshine in any amount of darkness, even the worst days I have are brightened by just thinking of them.

I've always wanted to have a little girl (of course a little boy would be great too), teach her everything I know, empower her, make sure she has high self esteem, teach her Yoga and meditation, dress her up in cute velvet dresses!! I want to have the same relationship with her that I do with my Mom, as that is the most special relationship in my life. I want to protect my daughter, entertain her, and give her strong faith and spirituality so that during the darkest times, she knows where to find the light. I want to teach her games and read her all the books she likes. I want to keep her healthy, feed her right, exercise her right.. you know, just keep her safe in every way. I have names picked out, and my favorites are: Evelyn, Maria Louisa, Wilhelmina (Mina), Emma, Rose, Ruby, Penelope, Marie-Neige (Neige is "snow" in French), Athena, and Serenity. *Sigh*! I would be open with her, and hope she could talk to me as openly as I do with my Mom.. And I would want her to look at me as a mom, friend, and guide through this beautiful and terrible world. I'd also make sure to show her the horrors of the world slowly, desensitize her from it so she's not too fragile.. make her strong mentally and get her into self defense.. but I would emphasize the fact that the world is more beautiful and wonderful than it is terrible and horrible. But we must always be prepared and not ignorant. Ooooh I would cook with her, teach her how to crochet, sew, knit; I'd teach her all I knew about computers, too!! I'd teach her how to read Tarot!

(If I have boys, I have also picked names during the years!! Thomas, Armand, Kenneth, Xander, Oliver, Julian, Leonard, Malcolm, and Timothy/Timmy..)

Just thinking about it excited me to my core, and makes me think I would be able to do it - no matter what shit symptoms my fibro was throwing at me. I see my Sister in Law and my Mother, two great mother role-models.. both of them go through sometimes crazy circumstances (pain, cancer, being away from family, working), but are successful Mothers. Forces of nature, like water eroding huge mountains - and those mountains are Kids! So much to do, every minute of every day.

But is it fair to my child, me being so sick sometimes? Can I be selfish enough to try and have kids? I'm not the only fibrofolk with that controversial thought. Right now as it stands, here are some limitations I can foresee as being critical, opposed by a solution. I am writing this to people in a similar situation.. people that have fibro and wonder if they "can" or "should".

1. Many fibro folks have meds that they can't drive whilst taking (I hallucinate AND take the meds, so I can't drive): Taxis! Don't have the money? Find someone who will drive for less, a family member, or someone who will drive in exchange for another service (haha, very funny).

2. Pain Points are easily triggered by kids: painkillers can be taken after nursing is complete. The TENS machine can help by leaps and bounds if you know how to use it correctly. Otherwise, you're going to have to toughen up to the point of sainthood. Possible. Although I've never ever gotten mad at my nephews for hurting me, they don't know what they're doing! They don't know how much it hurts.

3. Stress makes fibro worse: plan around this with those around you. Make sure the father isn't a spazz that has the patience of a 2 year old, make sure he's supportive, educated in your issues, and that you've known him for enough time to make this conclusion. Make sure your finances are in order before you conceive, including life insurance, education funds, retirement plans, etc. Make sure the home is totally prepared for baby, everything is uber-organized, as this reduces stress. Make sure everyone around you is aware of your schedule, including a nap if that' s at all possible. Etc. Make sure you have friends that are supportive of you as well (ie, don't call you drunk in the middle of the night, or show up unannounced) - I would get rid of anyone who hinders your efforts as a mother. With Fibro, anything that causes you undue stress must be removed. Good friends and family will de-stress you for the most part!!

4. You'd have to get off painkillers, some of my other meds, for a while before and during preggerness - no way around this that I can tell. Some medications you take can be taken during the pregnancy. Talking to your doc or pharmacist may put you into a panic attack, so relax and make sure you've taken your anti-anxiety pills before you hear what you'll have to get off, and for how long. I made the mistake of asking during a stressful time.. lol. Oh, and be sitting down. ;)

5. I sometimes need naps at inconvenient times - not sure what to do here. I would probably neglect housework and live in a messy place and put 100% of my attn. on kids. I would say "screw you" to anything else that must be done, and sleep when the kid/s sleep. If anyone would have a problem with that, they're not the right partner for someone as challenged as a fibrofolk.

6. Single Mom - what if the father were to leave me? or I would have to leave him due to abuse or dead-beatness? Normal-Health single moms have enough Hell without illnesses. The only thing I can suggest here is that you get to know your man/partner as much as possible. Don't rush into baby making. Also, get several opinions on this partner (male or female, sorry if I've been sexist here), and don't even consider baby making until you've seen them:
a) Mad/Frustrated - will they hit things, get violent?
b) With Children, at least for a whole day or overnight.
c) Depressed, apathetic - will they still take care of you and baby?
d) With their mother or mother figure - says a lot about someone.
e) With you during a bad pain/fatigue day - you want to see how they'll react to you feeling like crap.

7. Fibro-Fog and child rearing: Fibrofog is basically like temporary retardation, no kidding. You are slower witted, hung over, and generally your brain is not working very well at all. Anyways, what happens when you have a bad case of it and you need to make smart decisions? Well first of all, you have to keep trying different medications until you find the right combination. The TENS machine helps fibro fog, as does circulation therapy, proper hydration, proper supplementation of the diet, proper diet - and getting an allergy test done (some allergies bring on the fog). No alcohol! No Pot! No drugs except the ones you are prescribed, and less fog will overcome you! Be prepared, have a digital assistant if you can (PDA) with all the notes you need, or a tape-recorder with several messages to help you. Proper sleep helps, but that is not always possible. Also, stay away from Aspartame, MSG, and foods that have ingredients that need a scientist to interpret. . Stay away from strong chemical fumes such as cleaners, tar, etc - as that can trigger a fog session.

8.) What happens when the pain is too much? Well, there's not much you can do other than take your pain meds on time, take a warm bath in the morning and evening, use a TENS machine, pain relief creams, get regular massages if that helps, etc. You are going to need a support system of SEVERAL people. Don't live in the middle of no where with no friends or family to help you, and make sure your partner knows what to do. Is it ethical to rely on so many other people? That depends, some people WANT to help you.. but if the people don't want to help, well that is the issue. So make your support base BEFORE you think of having a child.

9.) What happens if my disease is passed onto my child? Fibro is NOT proven to be a genetic disorder, however many still stick to their opinion that it is. My grandmother has fibromyalgia, but my father and the rest of her children do not. Same with her other grandchildren, all clean of fibro thus far. So why chance it? Well, everyone has some thing they can pass on, whether it be heart problems, lung issues, a long history of mental illness or breast cancer or high blood pressure or MS, etc. If all of us who have something horrible in our genes did not have kids-there would be no kids!! And our lives would be horribly empty. Think instead of all the positive traits you have to pass on. I'm intelligent, compassionate, spiritual, helpful, curious, a problem solver.. etc etc. I would like more people like me on this planet. What about you? Aren't there many good things about you that you'd like to propagate. Also, if your child gets your disease, you know how to stop it from escalating, you know how to get it diagnosed, you know how to treat it. They don't have to go through the years of mystery diagnosis, medicines you didn't have to take, operations you didn't have to have.. Yeah it's not 100% justifiable.. but like I said, if we all had to be perfect in order to procreate, well then we'd be screwed as a species.

Now for the CORE of what I think is the real question.

Extreme Fibro Fatigue (CFS): In my inner fight, this is one of the most valid points against having kids when you have FMS/CFS. This is what I have the most trouble with, it's not the pain - it is the fatigue. You can do more about pain than fatigue. Children need plenty of energy from mothers. They need you to exercise with them, run around, play a lot, and generally explore the world. They can't do that if their mother is immobile most of the time. They deserve energy and ability - not fatigue and disability. That is my opinion, again.

Personally, I have set myself a plan. I will give myself some time to get better. I will continue trying all the treatments I can, including the treatments for my fibroids and endometriosis that I've been doing for years. If I am better for a full year in the future, with the right support base (including partner.. lol) - to the point where I can work and clean house without being too tired and pained - I will be able to have kids. I was once like that, and I have faith that I will be like that again.

If I don't get better, well - I will not let that ruin my life. I will live my life on the alternate path and be just as happy. I don't believe that I should sentence myself to a life of sorrow if I can't have them. I can travel, paint, write, get dogs etc. I know women who have lived rich lives without kids.

What if the partner I'm with in this childless future absolutely wants to have kids and I can't? Well, I won't stand in the way of them having kids, I'd let them go! It would hurt (depending on how long I'd known them), I'm sure - but I'm not the kind of person to stand in the way of one person's set destiny. By destiny I mean what they have set out for themselves - you know "I want to be a lawyer, have kids, and have a cottage in Southern Ontario" or "I want to be a published author and visit Paris" or "I want to be a soldier and have ten kids back home." Whatever you choose for yourself and can't do without, that's your personal destiny. What if you are in the same situation but don't want to let your husband/wife go? Well you don't have to! It's up to you and your husband/wife!! I'm just thinking about this since a great deal of the men whom want to have children, and it's non negotiable. Now that I'm getting closer to 30, I want to think about all this so that I can have a firm opinion, in order to prepare myself. I want to know what I think so others know what I think. Lol.. I am so tired, and making next to no sense. It's a hard day today, hence me writing instead of doing anything.

There is what I'm thinking about lately. Why? Well my 26th Birthday, my nephews, something my doctor said, and my hormones are really making me think about my future. I'm getting older and I need to start seriously considering what I want to do with my life, I can't just let things happen on their own.. that's like riding an unbroken horse, blindfolded. I like to take that blindfold off by questioning, and breaking in the horse with contemplation. You also make a map of life through planning, I think. Less people get hurt, including yourself.

Okay, enough seriousness! I like to keep this in perspective and see how much time I have.. I'm so relatively young.

Monorail Cat

2006-11-15T22:40:00.000-05:00

(the pic comes from a friend who frequents Brunchma.. I love this picture, it shows the comic genuis of the common kitty.)

The Yoga Sutras

2006-11-14T12:48:00.000-05:00

(I write this as I wait for paint to dry on some final touches of a painting I'm working on..)

The Yoga Sutras by Patanjali sit in the corner of my belief foundation like a thick granite block. So many versions are out there, translations that is, and one of them particularly sticks out... but I can't seem to find it anymore. ARG. I printed it out, so luckily I have a copy of this favoured version, and I intend to publish my own interpretation of it.

Here are some free online versions you can peruse. Some of them have completely been changed to house different schools of thought.. I don't know if I agree with that, but I want to give variety here.
The Yoga Aphorisms of Patanjali
The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali translated by Charles Johnston
The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali as translated by "BonGiovanni"
The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali-Yoga.Org
The Yoga Sutras as translated by Chester Messenger
The Yoga Sutras as translated by Sanderson Beck
The Yoga Sutras as translated by Tibetan Master Djwhal Kuhl (I Really like this one)

Ok that's enough example ;)

Now, I hope to interpret it without using Gods or Psychic phenomena.. No new age flare, just basic and concise. To make it available to anyone, not just those who've studied the Sutras.

2006-11-13T22:44:00.000-05:00

Hellraiser Remake!!!!!

Crazily Creepy

2006-11-11T22:02:00.002-05:00

Is this not the coolest? Try watching it in the dark when you're alone.

What I've Learned from Paintings: Triage

2006-11-09T15:32:00.000-05:00

When a painting isn't going right, I paint over the bits I don't like.. even if I'm almost done. It's going to extend the time you work on the painting, but you'll never get over that little or big mistake in the painting. Might as well trash it if you don't feel like going through all that work.

Working on a painting now, I've had to do that three times already... and now I'm waiting for the fourth to dry (acrylic, won't take long). It's one of the prettiest paintings I've done (I'll put a picture up later) and a new series of works, some of which I intend to sell or exhibit. You can't exhibit something, sell something, give something, if there's a mistake on it.

If you're tired of painting, and it's time the painting is done, be done with it. If it's aesthetically pleasing, go with it and send it out into the world. If not, put it aside and try again later when it's more fresh and you're ready for a big challenge.

Sometimes we need to stop, eyeball our situation, and decide whether to power through, put it on the back burner, or just stuff it in the garbage. Whether that is a painting, a novel, a friend or other relationship, a home improvement project, a blog post.. lol, career, etc - (just random ideas). If you're not willing to put your guts and heart and pulsing mind into the thing, then it's time to do some triage!

Some things are obviously harder than others.. paintings are simple.. just gesso over the canvas and start again, or hopefully your palette colours are still wet and you can just go over it.

Right now, only my paintings (I paint a few things at once to minimize paint loss from drying) are needing triage, happily.

This pic came from my favorite site: Cute Overload.

Smoke Angels

2006-11-07T19:37:00.000-05:00

The picture to the right was something I saw on Astronomy Picture of the Day.. something that I view.. well, daily. I love it altogether too much.

It's called a Smoke Angel, created by planes. Beautiful isn't it? Click on it to see a HUGE version of it. Reminds me of Evangelion. Imagine seeing it for yourself, in the cockpit of a plane as you turn around to get a good look?

What is a smoke angel? Here's what APOD said:
" Explanation: What type of cloud is that? It is not a naturally occurring one. Looking perhaps a bit like a gigantic owl monster, the cloud pictured above resulted from a series of flares released by an air force jet over the Atlantic Ocean in May. The jet that released the flares, a C-17 Globemaster III, is seen on the right. The flares release smoke and the resulting pattern is sometimes known as a smoke angel. The circular eyes of the above smoke angel are caused by air spiraling off the plane's wings and are known as wingtip vortices."

Owl monster, I love that. It's one of those haunting images you can't wrap your brain around.. You think about it, you look at them, but the scope and beauty of the thing, as well as the pollution, make you mesmerized.

GRAPE AND PILLAGE!

2006-11-06T17:42:00.000-05:00

(Huge Update Post)

Bike Ride

Oh the fun of freedom on three wheels.. Like the ladybug? That's my bell. Today I went on a long (long for me) bike ride by the Ottawa river. I want to get as much bike time as possible before the damnable snow puts a stop to my peddalry. Then I want snowshoes, so I can get wicked photos of beasts at their most winterized. Fluffy. This photo was taken halfway thru my ride.

Weight Loss progress

Yay I lost two pounds this week! Right now I'm doing behavioral conditioning to get me in touch with my non-pill-induced appetite. Harder than it sounds. Although I think this will be The Way to losing weight permanently. I can see myself doing this method every single day of my life and not getting tired of it.. Most diets are a huge pain in the ass.. but this isn't a diet. It's like you're using a computer and you don't know about a core utility program.. like specialized alarms.. this diet-changing method teaches you about the appetite alarm in your stomach... the one which many people (including myself) have learned to ignore. Now I actually FEEL hungry, and can tell the difference between psychological and physical hunger. Huge diff. So now, instead of relying on writing down all calories and all foods - this neat little notification program tells me when to start and stop eating to maintain a proper weight. Nifty. Some people are born knowing where this program is, of course.

Grape and Pill-age

Speaking of pills, I am having a party this weekend with some close friends - and of course I had to run out of painkillers. I have the hardcore twice-a-day controlled release pills, but not the "I NEED RELIEF NOW" pills. I have to stay away from alcohol, my normal method of replacing painkillers.. so basically I'm trying to use my TENS machine more and trying to meditate (I practice Raja Yoga routine, because one fuck up and I'm in big trouble. Emergency clinics don't prescribe Em-Strength painkillers. They prescribe crap like Codeine sometimes, low dose and high itch factor, just like straight Morphine. meditation) as much as possible. I'm paying more attention to my regular HathaOooh but I still like Morphine. Codeine metabolises into Morphine, but for some reason, it doesn't really tickle my fancy. Hurts my tummy more than Morphine. I'm on different pills that I'd rather not broadcast. They are the freedom givers. They free up some RAM for me, which is taken up by randomized pain-to-psyche distraction. A very temporary defrag.. but worth it.

People and Pain

Certain people lower pain... just by talking to them or being around them (etc). Mainly my Mom, my 2 close girlfriends, and a new Manfriend of mine is really quite good at it! - but one cannot rely on others... for a few good reasons... A) they can die B) they can decide they don't want you in their life C) they might get sick of being around you.. hehehe. I don't see my girlfriends as often as I'd like.. and my platonic guy friends.. wink wink.. come on guys, take me out!!!

Doggy and Pain

Of course Gordon helps a lot. Just looking at him and being around him makes me swoon with puppy love!! I groom him, train him, and play with him every day... and in my pain database, which I enter data in daily to track pain and other issues, I refer to my time with him as "PT" - puppy therapy.

Database and Research - Almost reaching the year mark!!

Yup, I have a database for my ails. Right now it's just a shitty spreadsheet, but I'm working on making a better database. I've had it for almost a year, so soon I will be able to work with the data and do something constructive with it. I've already tracked some very important patterns, which I will submit to various research organizations for Fibro, Endo, and CFS. New data, I think, as I am usually up to date on the latest published research in those fields. You can't rely on doctors to help you, Fibrofolks, Endofolks, and CFSfolks.. nope. Get researching, get reading.. I know it's hard at times, but it's worth it. BTW, I also like to make graphs.. hehehe pie charts, bar charts.. 3D even.. of course this takes me a shit load of time since I'm foggy in the head. I'll publish some here when I'm done sending it to the proper research institutes.

Electro-Goodness

My TENS machine was finally approved to be covered by the red-tape-beauties at Essential Health Services!! I was paying 51$ a month for the other one.. Hard decisions had to be made in my budget to incorporate this expense. Now I can go back to massages, and daily vitamins. Frigg, vitamins and supplements seem to be rising in price. I have a 1/2 cup of pills to take each day, including vitamins, painkillers, other supplements, etc. Isn't that funky? For the past two months I've cut on the vitamins and other supplements, so it comes to a 1/4 cup... but I've been feelings like crapola in certain areas. Some of the supplements I take: Spirulina, Multivitamin, extra Chromium, extra B vitamins, MSM, Omega 3-6-9, extra Calcium, etc. Why the extra? Well two main reasons 1) some of the pills I take eat essential nutrients 2) some experts call for more than the norm in terms of nutrients.

So that's the update. I have lots more to say.. but some of it is private and will only be shared with the proper females in my life!! And other stuff is still to come. I'm doing well, getting better inch by inch, am more happy than usual, and that's that! :) Thanks for reading this huge update ;)

Grooming Tips for Dogs

2006-11-03T10:15:00.000-05:00

So cute, and so hard to snap a picture of: Gordon!

This is after his daily grooming. I brush his hair, remove all eye gunk, pluck ear hairs (some breeds require this to prevent wax mats), I also cut any hairs that are in his way... lol. He's getting better and better at tolerating this.

TIPS for doggy owners:

To remove really stubborn eye gunk, goo, or crusties - encrusted like mats in the hair near eyes: wet a kitchen paper towel with warm water (test on you skin (delicate skin like inner wrist), and massage the mat for about 2 minutes. Use a fine tooth comb, and comb AWAY from the direction of the eye. If it's still too tough, massage for 2 more minutes, then try again. Still not coming out? Use the comb to hold the mat, and then use small scissors (with rounded points) to cut it off completely. This cutting method is used often, as it has the added bonus of preventing future, more complicated, mats. Eye crusties are a pain in the butt, but they won't be such a problem if you handle them EVERY day or every two days. This will also cut down on tear stains that cause those dark circles under the eye. I don't so much mind the look of them, but I'd rather Gordon be comfortable without the crusties!!! - Now getting the dog to stay still is the challenge.. lol. And it depends on the dog. I put Gordon between my legs and keep him in a lock. Sounds kinky? Then you're messed up ;) heheheheheh

I love grooming time, and I try to do it every day at the same time. Dogs love schedule.. they become stressed when their schedule is messed with, and they calm down when the schedule is pristine and regular. Grooming time is usually after my breakfast and his breakfast (always eat before your dogs). I start with an overall brushing, and end with things he hates!! Lol.

Try to end with anything close to the eyes, and anything close to the feet. Did you know dogs are ticklish between their toes? So cute. I've gotten my worst tickle war wounds from Gordon's front feet.. gosh he gets so excited.. lol.

Ear plucking can also be a hard task, but if you do it a few times a day, a pluck at a time, every thing's okay. Even once a day is acceptable if you know how to do it. Reach in, not too deep, and pinch some hair between your thumb and forefinger, and pull it very quickly. Some dogs might bite, in that case, be sure to have a treat BEFORE the dog bites. Of course we never treat our pups for biting. Bad idea ;)

That's enough for that, I hope you enjoy the new pic 'o' Gord!!!

Chakra Meditation #1 - Positive Pathways of the Brain

2006-10-21T11:24:00.000-04:00

I'm a Yogini, that means I am a female who practices Yoga with some amount of devotion. I love Yoga with all my heart, and I love meditation with as much gusto. Chakras, in my experience, are an amazing way to meditate.

Chakra meditation has been responsible for helping me through the hardest pain and the hardest heartache. Of course family had more to do with both, but on a smaller scale, Chakra meditation has been a big help.

So what does one do whilst Chakra meditation?

Well you focus on one or a combination of 7 "energy centers" in the body. I take it metaphorically and with imagination, but some believe that these are funnels of energy placed in specific locations on the body - and are responsible for bodily functions, balance, emotional balance, spiritual function, etc. For me, I keep an open mind, but don't label. I focus on the images and properties of each or a combination of Chakras, in order to help my mind focus on something complex, archetypal, and above all - it is a regular and familiar object or set of objects to meditate on. Meditating on something new each day is ok, but it doesn't offer the same depth as meditating on something over and over again - and seeing, feeling, experiencing different levels each time you meditate.

This kind of meditation, in my opinion, helps the brain build firm and lasting synaptic pathways - pathways to calm, to centered thinking, to clearer thought processes; on the flip side, meditating on something that creates a frazzled feeling (like when people master violent video games or martial training without proper discipline), creates negative connections.

In Buddhism and Yoga, making more positive, calming, and centering pathways is called "right thinking" and "right action" etc. The core tenets of both philosophical religions is to create as many positive and harmless pathways as possible, in order to minimize superfluous and harmful negative thinking and actions. This positivity training directly effects neurotransmitter levels, immune system functions, sleep, emotional states, weight loss, memory, bodily balance, and more. Even before modern neuroscience, these philosophical religions knew that better health came from better positivity.

Positivity isn't possible in all situations, but the aim of the game is to get as many positive pathways as possible.

Back to Chakras. How can they help again? Well, focusing on them has a kind of subliminal effect - as if you truly and deeply focus on the properties of each, you'll find a quick and simple route to hypnotic self improvement.

Let's take the Root Chakra, pictured right (click on pic for source). When I meditate on this, I focus on its primary property - it is the Chakra of being grounded, centered, down to Earth. When I am feeling too unfocused and head-stuck-in-the-clouds, I focus on this Chakra. I focus on the Earth and the force of gravity, the stable geometry of squares and cubes, I focus on stability. Thinking of all these concepts creates the feeling of stability and groundedness, and unlike the other Chakras, this particular one will put you into Alpha brainwaves much faster.. as you tend to think of calming things more potently. If you don't like the thought of meditating on Chakras, then all you need do to replicate a Root Chakra meditation is think of the properties of stability. You can do a geometric meditation if you like.

This is another introduction, I hope to continue this series as time passes. Now I must get dressed and go out for a stroll in the social world. Namasté!

Quantum Spirituality #2

2006-10-19T16:51:00.000-04:00

Here are some definitions/etymologies before I start blabbering:

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Quantum - from the Latin of the same spelling for "How Great" (could be a question, "how much?" or exclamation, "how great!!" or in speaking of currency (quanti) "how much does it cost?" Introduced by Mark Planck in 1900, popularized by Einstein.
1 a : QUANTITY, AMOUNT b : PORTION, PART c : gross quantity : BULK
2 a : any of the very small increments or parcels into which many forms of energy are subdivided b : any of the small subdivisions of a quantized physical magnitude (as magnetic moment)

Spirituality - from the Latin "Spiritus" for inhalation, breathing, spirit, pride or confidence, spirits (as in, "he was in high spirits")
1 : something that in ecclesiastical law belongs to the church or to a cleric as such
2 : CLERGY
3 : sensitivity or attachment to religious values
4 : the quality or state of being spiritual

Mysticism - from the Greek "Mystikos" meaning the arcane, secret, occult, hidden. "Mystes" for "One who has been initiated".
1 : the experience of mystical union or direct communion with ultimate reality reported by mystics
2 : the belief that direct knowledge of God, spiritual truth, or ultimate reality can be attained through subjective experience (as intuition or insight)
3 a : vague speculation : a belief without sound basis b : a theory postulating the possibility of direct and intuitive acquisition of ineffable knowledge or power

Quantum Mysticism: Margaret Wertheim is the most documented of popularizers of this phrase. New Agers finding spiritual meaning in Science, sometimes bending the rules to suit their own aims. The Kaballah, Hinduism, Tarot, and several other religions (yes Tarot is a religion in my humbly vain opinion) are proposed to be metaphors for modern day Physics of all kinds. I have to agree that they all have multi-faceted interpretations, which could indeed be rudimentary (at least) in explaining certain higher concepts than meets the eye.

Quantum Mind - I haven't been able to find who coined this term.. let me know if any of you find it.

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Now, some concepts....

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To save time, I'm going to copy/paste one from Wikipedia, which is one of if not my favorite site of the internet. So much info.

Quantum Entanglement: "is a quantum mechanical phenomenon in which the quantum states of two or more objects have to be described with reference to each other, even though the individual objects may be spatially separated. This leads to correlations between observable physical properties of the systems.
"For example, it is possible to prepare two particles in a single quantum state such that when one is observed to be spin-up, the other one will always be observed to be spin-down and vice versa, this despite the fact that it is impossible to predict, according to quantum mechanics, which set of measurements will be observed. As a result, measurements performed on one system seem to be instantaneously influencing other systems entangled with it. Quantum entanglement does not enable the transmission of classical information faster than the speed of light." This is one of the crazy behaviors in Quantum Mechanics. One that bothers many scientists, and excites many due to the possibilities. Imagine being able to use that in communications? Forget radio signals or fiber optics.. they'll be the dog's dinner if you can harness this kind of technology. The inventor would be filthy rich. Trump who? Forget webcams baby, I'm talking to you via Atomic twins ;)

Schrodinger's Cat is a Quantum mechanics paradox. (Click on the title to read the article at Wikipedia, for the full article.) Read it! Basically, the experiment talks about the realms of the macro and microscopic meeting. Where do they meet? Is it a clear boundary? Why is the question is so important and ingenious? Well, on the atomic level, physics allegedly has different rules than the macroscopic - so where do the rules begin for one, and end for the other??

These two laws (quantum mechanics and general relativity) are at odds with each other, and yet they "work" in their respective worlds. Quantum Mechanics adds up in the microscopic, on atoms, electrons, quarks, and further down that funnel of the gargatuanly tiny: General Relativity adds up in the macroscopic, on planets, galaxies, and local galactic groups.. etc all the way up that mountain of the mind shrinkingly large. Which is right? Are they both right, and if so, how? Again, thinking of said kitty cat, where do they end and where do they begin? What happens in that No-Man's-Land/Neutral Zone? Or should I say the Twilight Zone.. lol.

Through these thoughts, these contemplations, I am obviously not qualified to honestly be able to think them through. I'd love to be able to. I look forward to getting a bit better and not having to stop every 10 minutes to wait for the fibro fog to clear up - or having to rest my muscles. But there's still some life in my sweet brain, and I intend to keep it that way.

I find that thinking these paradoxical matters over, thinking what lays in waiting for us to discovery, gives me hope and grows the grey matter a little. Just reading about it makes me feel fresher in the brain.

So how does this tie into spirituality? Okay, well in many ways. So many ways this will be an ongoing post collection. I've tagged it "Quantum Spirituality Ramble" for anyone who's interested in following it.

First of all, reading through articles, books, websites, listening to documentaries and podcasts, etc - I feel, and I'm sure you will too, as though there are infinite possibilities. I'm not just talking about the dimensional theory that everything that can happen does happen in different dimensions.. I'm talking about the feeling that comes from understanding how little we know. And the stuff we do know, well, some of it is really wild and out there. Not many of us have access to the genius knowledge that some of these people can understand, not me (at least not yet, I'm always trying to understand an iota here and there, to combine into some kind of layman's knowledge when I'm 89 years old) . And even those who do, I'm sure most of the wisest say they don't know much. Theories upon theories.

So what's to say what's impossible? Are ghosts impossible because everyone in your family says so? Or that scientist on the documentary you've just watched? Are psychics impossible because some group of dubious scientists says it's impossible. Many shows and books I've read on skeptical scientists proving psychics wrong have horrible control groups, horrible tests, and an even more horrible bias.

I'm not saying it's 100% positively true, but I've seen enough to make myself doubt more that it's not true.

I'm also displeased with the other side of the coin, who says psychics are 100% real, and ghosts are 100% real in the traditional meaning of both words. Why? Well, truly, beyond hard science like math and other sciences that "Add up" all the time, we don't know. Mediums like myself could be extremely tapped into a nonlinear space-time, and not talking to ghosts but actually sensing the echoes that flip through time or even dimensions. Other dimensions are believed to exist, taken as a given, by many scientists. Maybe I do not speak to ghosts, but the intersection of another time or dimension. Maybe that is how I see others' futures. Perhaps it's a part of our brains we don't yet understand, a receptive organ we haven't yet identified as such. Deja-Vu could be a spasm of said organ. And like language, perhaps if we do not use it at the appropriate formative age, we lose the ability to fully use it. Maybe something more is happening, something larger.

Perhaps on the twilight zone level between the micro and the macro resides that dimensional rift?

None of these thoughts, probably, are original. I have thought them out myself, yes, but I am sure many people have already thought this way. Therein comes Quantum Mysticism. Where I say maybe, some (not all Quantum Mystics, I'm talking about a portion of that demographic) people say "certainly." So some silly scientist say that mediums have an extra organ to feel out alternate dimensions. They don't need proof, they know. I hate that!! They really put a kink in the real spiritualists.

Spirituality isn't about knowing, it's about feeling and wondering and experiencing things without proof. Spirituality then leads to inspiration to delve into these matters. Spirituality itself means inspiration, and inspiration is breathing - breathing in the matter and antimatter of the universe - and becoming one with all. It's not religion, it's searching and believing in unstructured areas, untrodden paths. It's being blind and feeling out the furniture in a never ending room, the room being our universe. We don't know for sure what's there, but we can feel out boundaries, textures, temperature, etc.. and each of us might sense furniture in different ways.

Science is the light, but right now we only have a candle in the center and a little to the left of the room. One day we might have a candelabra lit, or hopefully a spotlight will blaze one day before our demise.. wouldn't that be grand? Scientists feel out in their blindness a little bit, but they would rather use the candle and get all the information about that small area. I like that approach, but I prefer to feel out and deduce what I can.. and then ask the scientist what they've learned. Perhaps spiritualists can inspire them with theories, to get them to move their candle slightly to the right, and down a bit.

Just the fact that I don't know what lurks in the room excites me. I want to freely explore, and take notes. I want to talk to others, like I am now, and share with them my thoughts. Compare notes.

Why are we in this room? How big is it? Why isn't there more light? What do we keep bumping into three steps from the candle?

Do you like to stare into the lit part of the room, or glare into the darkness?

Does the light or dark frighten you more?

See you next post. Time for me to get back to bed!

- Thanks to the online Etymology Dictionary, and my handy dandy Latin-English dictionary, as well as Merriam-Webster's Online dictionary.

Quantum Spirituality, Vanilla Addition, and Sexy Science #1

2006-10-15T18:04:00.000-04:00

Today I was trying to explain how an earlier interest in atoms opened up a vast spiritual pathway to me, and I found myself unable to vocalize it. Probably the nervousness, probably the weather, probably the pills.. but I just was not able to put it out through my mouth. This is not a rare thing in Emland.. no... I am much better at wording.

At a young age, I don't remember where, I was introduced to certain atomic theories. Like the concept that no one, nothing, ever really touches. Like the concept that most of the universe is space and not matter.. including you. Like the concept that we're all a matrix of subatomic matter, all interconnected, and all the same thing..

Take the first and last paragraph of this post. They are separate, but linked in the pixel matrix on your screen. Unless you need to change your monitor.. lol. Every pixel is connected to the matrix.. and this is on a two dimensional level. We're allegedly connected in three dimensions, some believe in more dimensions, and I agree, than just X, Y, and Z.

Recently I've seen a docudrama that explained a lot of this really well - What the Bleep Do we Know? which really summed up many of my feelings on the universe quite well. Although there's a lot of new age stuff in there that shaves off some of the science.. so if you don't have an imagination.. don't rent. lol. There are a lot of new age spiritualists that show off their theories, and I think they're worth thinking about and not quickly dismissing. Don't take the new age stuff to heart, just the theory if you're all science. I, however, am not all science.

I am a great believer in attitude. The world is 90% attitude, and 10% reality. So, how you look at things determines how you react to things. I once had a guy tell me that my spiritual way of thinking was fine, but he relies on the facts that science gives. He thought that my life was based too much on my imagination and intuition, and that I needed to face science. A fair estimate for someone who didn't know me well, but personally - I face science a lot.

I love the way science adds depth to the smallest molecule, how it delves into the empirical data and finds patterns.. develops theories.. but much of science is theoretical (that I love too). Math I love, 1+1 = 2 is a comfort. I love math puzzles, as long as I'm alone and not nervous. A universal security blanket. It's our linen sheets, milk chocolate, white picket fence, and vanilla ice cream. The answers are universal. But get into talking about Atoms, Photons, Dark Matter, Singularities, or exactly what animates us beyond the tangible - and you get theories for the most part. THAT part of science is exotic, that neighborhood couple who experiment with swing parties, smoke pot, and paint their house pink. Radical! Experimental! An unexplored area of our universe. That's the spirit I feel when I ask myself about the paradoxical existence of a universe (ie. what is outside our universe, and outside that? How can something create a universe?). I wish I had a thousand brains to work on that problem. Chicken/Egg dilemma basically. That is spirituality to me. Thinking beyond the body, way beyond, and self actualizing to the point of no return ... the Rubicon for me was the Atom.

I am also a believer in a nonlinear time sphere. I am NOT a believer in time travel, but I AM a believer in multiple dimensions - (thinking of tesseracts fascinate me!) and I am still working on my opinion concerning infinite possibility - (you know, every choice possibly made has been made, and each eventuality had its own dimension) - and I believe that these dimensions, like X and Y and Z - connect at certain "points".

Moreover, I believe I know just a grain of sand in comparison to nine billion light years about the universe.. and that goes the same for pretty much everyone. Scientists specialize, and may know more about one thing than another - or geniuses might know two grains of sand in nine billion light years.. but pretty much, we know shit in the grand scale of things. I think that is what makes life so interesting, that there are an infinite amount of frontiers for us to explore.. there'll never be a time where we know everything.

Where does the spirituality come in???

I like to think that many things are possible. I think psychic ability could be just another sense, a receptive sense that picks up on alternate dimensions or future occurrences via nonlinear time. Like an echo bouncing backwards, except the wave isn't sound - it's thought or who knows - maybe something as yet unnamed. That's one way that I explain my success. Maybe it's the fact that we're all tied into the energy matrix of all those little atoms, protons, electrons. You can't get away from atoms ;) Maybe it's something else.

more to come, I'm pooped.

Quantum Links
This is a great explanation of the Two Slit Experiment I was talking about earlier ;)

Heart Rate and Fatigue: The Emlucy way to Rejuvenation!

2006-10-14T21:26:00.000-04:00

With Fibro, Chronic fatigue, or simply being out of shape, the fatigue can be worse than anything else you've got. Not for me, I'd take the fatigue over the pain, but that's not a choice. What is a choice is helping the fatigue go away.

(The picture right is one I found on a cute site.. probably cute overload.. lol. It's friggin adorable.. so much it makes me grit my teeth!! love it)

What I've been doing lately is Target Heart Rate exercise, and it has been helping!! What's more, it can help pretty much anyone.. I said pretty much, but if you have a heart condition or some kind of jazz that'll be worse if you exercise.. don't. I do this at my own risk... and it has been causing more hurt, but at a good reward. I have had a little more energy. It's small, but for me - I'll take anything I can get.

Basically, I read through all my fibro books, cfs books, and related books - I read article after article on the Internet, I talked to my health care professionals, and then lastly I talked to people with fibro - and compiled this exercise regime!! Recently a few fibro and cfs friends have asked that I share my regime. Really it's not mine, it's just traditional health stuff we've heard over and over again.. but usually that stuff if the golden stuff, if you get my meaning.

Emlucy's Target Heart Rate Rejuvenator! ;)

Firstly, you're going to need a heart rate monitor - or you can do it manually. Find your Resting Heart Rate (RHR). Here's how:

Get nice and leisurely - relax, lay down, don't sit up!! Just get as relaxed as possible for 20 minutes. Then I want you to take your pulse. (See how many times your heart beats in 60 seconds OR use a heart rate monitor. I suggest a heart rate monitor, as if you have FMS or CFS you may lose count or have a crap time at multiplying if you're taking the quarters route).

My RHR: 65

Okay, now I need you to calculate your Maximum Heart Rate MHR. Women, subtract your age from 226, Men - subtract your age from 220. Personally, I just round the number.

My MHR: 226 - 26 = 200

So, the heart rate range is 65-200 - - then I rounded my number to 70 - just to make the next step cleaner and easier for Fibro Foggers and ADD'rs.

Next plot out on a piece of paper a little graph that looks like this:

70-80-90-100-110-120-130-140-150-160-170-180-190-200

Then, find rough half, quarter, and eighth points. Here are 14 numbers, so they divide 7 and 7 so between 130 and 140 is the half point (135) and then the quarter points would be the middle number of each of the seven. Highlight the numbers.

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70-80-90-100-110-120-130-135-40-150-160-170-180-190-200
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Okay, now you have your graph!! I put this on a magnetic board, to keep track of progress AND to remind me to exercise. So what do you do with the graph? Depends how sick you are:

If you're really sick, or really out of shape, your first week of exercise will focus on the first quarter: in my graph that would be 70-100. You want to do an exercise that keeps your heart rate in that zone for 15 minutes three times a week. Can't do it for 15? Do it as much as you can and then increase as you start getting healthier.

If you're moderately sick or moderately out of shape, start in the second between the first eighth and the second eighth. In my graph, that would be 80-120. Get yourself in that range for 15 minutes three times a week to begin.

From these two, you get the hang of it. Just increase accordingly.

What kind of exercise should you start off with? Work with what you have. I have a recumbent exercise bike, so that's what I use. You could use a treadmill, DDR, do Tai Chi, Yoga, Pilates, walking, jumping.. anything. You don't need fancy equipment. Oh, and watching scary movies doesn't count.. as that will build up adrenaline which won't be used if you don't work out. Get moving. Dancing to music is great. Just keep your heart rate in your beginner target range.

Increasing the workout to strengthen your heart, increase your energy, and lengthen your stamina is the next step:

After about three weeks, or less depending on your health, do it every second day, then every day for 15 minutes. At the same time, increase your target range by one eighth when you're ready. Never get up to your maximum heart rate, as you're asking for a flare up. Don't be silly!!!

You'll want to keep it within 5/8 and 3/4. After you can easily get in that range, you'll need to just increase the length of exercise, not the heart rate. You may never get there, that's okay. Take it to where you CAN. If you can only take it from 50%-60%, that's super! If it's only 30%-40%, that's still good!! Don't feel bad. Every inch on that graph counts!

I've noticed great results from this. Sure it's only a little bit to normal peoples' standards, but to someone with CFS it's like finding buried treasure! Every bit counts to better heart health.

When it's firmly part of your schedule.. you can move onto strength training.. that'll be next. I hope this is helpful!!

Against Many Odds

2006-10-13T10:51:00.000-04:00

"If it is once again one against forty-eight, then I am very sorry for the forty-eight." Margaret Thatcher (a favorite lady of mine)

I'd say against all odds, but I'm trying to be reasonable - and all or nothing phrases often are unreasonable. Often but not always. Anyway, pretty much all my pills have a warning upon their little while label which pisses me off on some level:

"May cause severe weight gain."

Well duh. You could have told me that, as I struggle to stay at a reasonable weight. I'm trying harder and harder, and hopefully I'll get on a decent plateau of good behavior in order to reach my ideal weight: 176. Why 176? Well I visited this site that calculates your healthy weight according to your height, age, and sex, and it gave my BMI weight as well. The BMI is insane. Apparently Brad Pitt is obese according to traditional BMI. Ridiculous. 176. Good number. Hard when you're on 7 different pills with 7 "Severe" weight gain side effect. Frustrating to say the least. I'm lucky I'm not 300 lbs.. which is my phobic weight... I fear it more than any other phobia I have.. although I trust in myself that I will not get there, I'm just too stubborn for that.

Which is not to say that is a gross weight at all. But it is a bad weight for someone 5"8 with an illness that causes intense weakness, muscle fatigue, and sleepiness. It's hard to climb the stairs when you carry that much weight.

I'm all for big people. I like the way we look. I like the comfortable feeling of laying around on someone without feeling mostly bones. But my ideal weight is 176, and that would put me again into wearing non-plus clothing - medium/large. Weird. I have to upload this photo of me when I was skinny.. it's too funny. I have it on my magnetic board to remind me that it's possible.

So against many odds, I'm increasing my efforts to lose weight. Through the pain, I see that it's important. 176!!

The image was created by me in Terragen, copyright 2006 Emilie L. I call it "The Peaks of Imagination".

Gordon Update!

2006-10-06T11:23:00.000-04:00

As asked for, MORE GORDON!!!

Age: 4.2 months.

Weight: 9.75 lbs.

Level of Sass: 9/10.

Language:
Sit, Lay Down, Stay, Come, Leash, Roll Over, Shake a Paw, (toys) Mr. Sock, Mr. Celery, Mr. Moo, Walk, Brush, Training Time, Sit on your Pillow, PP outside, Snout (to clean his eyes we must hold onto his snout, he hates things getting close to his eyes), Car Ride, the Boys (he loves my nephews), Jump, Dance (a variable of Jump), good boy, bad boy, bedtime, Up, Down.. I am sure there is more, but I am sleepy. All training sessions are meant to give him more grip on what we are saying, he's a Gemini doggy and likes to get in on the conversations we have. Also, he knows many of these terms in French instead of English, as we are a bilingual family. And, well, he's a Bichon Frisé!!

He's pretty skinny, when we put his little coat on, you can really tell the skinniness. I want to send in the photo of him in his sweater to magazines, so I am not going to put it here. I am also going to enter the photos into calendars :) I don't want to enter him into physical competition, as I have seen dog shows and don't want him to ever go near those things. Not that they are evil, but Gordon is a family man, not a show man. We don't intend on breeding him or making him look like a froo froo girly dog! HE IS MACHO! hehe.

He loves to lick and cuddle, he actually gives hugs - he puts his front paws on either side of my neck and squeezes, licks, and then gets down. I understand this is a domination thing, but I just love it too much. I'm his equal in this house I think, but my Parents surely are good at showing him they are the bosses. To Gordie, I am his teacher, his sister maybe, and his playmate.

Favorite Games:
Hide and Seek, Fetch, Tag, and Tug.

Pet Peeves (heehee!):
People who bother him when he's taking a nap, having anything close to his eyes, having his ear hairs plucked (a must-do for Bichon ears, as they tend to get long inner hairs that mat and wax, and then plug), Squirrels, Lemons, not playing when he wants to play, barking dogs, too much light when he's trying to nap.. what a diva.., people taking off his sweater when he's cold, the Vet, that People Food isn't for Doggies (we don't feed him human food), okay he has lots of Peeves, but I'm getting sleepy.

More to come on Gord, and thanks for your comment, Colleen!!

TV Lineup

2006-10-05T22:57:00.000-04:00

I watch TV. It's easy to do when you're in pain and fatigued. Usually I'm doing other stuff, but I'll get to that lately. Let's start with what I LOVE to watch this season.

Monday: Corner Gas - a cute sitcom, funny, and wonderfully Canadian. It's very calming and silly. I enjoy this half hour show, and don't miss it. This week it's supposed to be a Fight Club inspired episode, except it's Fondue Club. I love the small town silliness.

Tuesday:
House A really thrilling medical drama, with a great cast, great writers. Sure it can be a little formulaic, but it's not a bad formula. I love the characters. Exciting, funny, silly. Hugh Laurie is in it, of Black Adder, and Wooster and Jeeves .. or is it Jeeves and Wooster.. anyways I used to watch it back in London. Anyways, he's excellent in it, unique, original, and very different from any other character I've seen him play.

Rescue Me - oh this show is so sexy.. Dennis Leary plays an angry and patriotically Irish firefighter in New York City. Lots of sex, steamy and heart-bracingly delicious sex scenes. Lots of brutality, action, etc. I love it.

Wednesday:
Bones -A great Anthropological crime solving show, using high tech equipment (some fantasy I think), and really getting the human element in. It's very warm, friendly - the camaraderie and interpersonal relationship evolution makes it so much more organic that some crime shows.

Lost - I love a good mystery. If you haven't heard of this show, where have you been hiding?

Night Stalker - Paranormal journalism. X-Files and the Chronicle mixed together. It's not very funny, more serious.. but I still like it.

Thursday:
Ugly Betty - I like this show, but I can see myself disliking it in the future. I don't like when good people get screwed, bullied, and humiliated.. it's just not my fun. But I love the character of Betty, her Family, and some of her new coworkers. I like the female empowerment vibes, and I really enjoy most of this show. Just not the bullying!! But it's a great div ice to build to a proper catharsis.

CSI - my second fave show of the week, after Supernatural. I love CSI in Vegas. I love all the characters, I love the writing, I love the direction, I love the actors, I love everything about this show. I love working my brain on a mystery.

Friday:
Supernatural - my favorite show of all times. LOVE IT. I am so happy it's back for a second season. Great looking art direction (and cast.. rrrrow), great stories, great plots, great characters, great acting.. these guys make Classic Rock cool again. These are really freaky stories and wonderful special FX make them come alive. I can't express how much I love this show.

Saturday:
Jericho - for the laughs. This is THE most predictable series ever known to man. Me and my Mom watch it, and I can predict everything down to the minute. It's not my psychic powers.. that's for sure. Feels like this show is an instruction manual from the government to scare voters into voting republican.. See? This could happen.. the terrorists could bomb us, and THIS is what you have to do.. and BTW, we were right about the plastic sheeting and tape. It's maudlin and quite hard to watch if you expect it to be a serious show.

Sunday:
Eureka - a mad scientist town. Funny, quirky, science fiction in present day. This also gives off a "The Chronicle" vibe. Very cool new show.

Now, whenever I'm watching tv, I HAVE to be doing something else. Otherwise I feel like I'm "wasting" time. So I Sudoku to sharpen the grey matter, I draw, I cut out articles from magazines and recipes, I play Pyramid, I play with Gordon, I do gentle Yoga (still not able to do much exercise. I work on novels. My favorite exercise is shopping. Doesn't matter if I can/do buy something, as long as I am out and about in the social world. Staying home too much gives the cabin fever!! Anyways, I like to watch tv as long as I can do something else at the same time.

Getting sleepy, later gators :)

Melding..

2006-09-24T23:04:00.000-04:00

My Fibro site, Invisible Thorns, is now in this weblog. I just didn't have time to have many online projects, so I am thinning out things, and merging. So I'll just be posting more subjects on this weblog. As well as more of GORDON!

The picture to the left is from the Tulip Festival a few months ago, which I took whilst swooning as I was surrounded by so many more beautiful blooms. :)

Ongoing Review: Guild Wars free Nightfall Weekend Event

2006-09-22T10:20:00.000-04:00

Post 1 - Preparation and Downloading.. in other words, antici-----pation.

As the loadscreen for the new Guild Wars Nightfall preview begins, a ticker showing how much I have to download before I can play shows up. Click above pic to see the screenshot.

From today, Sept 22nd (after many hours of waiting due to Guild Wars staff having very understandable problems) until Sept. 24th, everyone gets to preview Nightfall. If you haven't played GW yet.. I suggest you try. You have a lot of downloading to do, so GO GO GO!! (Click there and start!)

After you download the client and get the access key in (get the same access key as your friends, don't pick Europe if your buddy picks America, you won't be able to play together apparently) you still have more downloading to go, in the way of updates .. but my connection is DAMNED slow.. so just sit back or get a sammich or go for a walk in the woods and by then you'll be able to play NIGHTFALL!!!

I'm so excited! I am in so much pain today due to no more painkillers (est sept 19th, and not of my own volition) and this is just what I need!! The fatigue and withdrawal symptoms, not to mention the full brunt of fibro all-over pain (more to come on all this later) has really disabled me.. but Guild Wars always makes me feel freer, able to run around and succeed at something other than getting through a day. Sounds silly, sure, but when it hurts when you breathe and try to move... you take what you can get ;)

MORE to come on the Nightfall preview, including more review, my own screenshots, bla bla.

Post 2 - Differences in Nightfall so Far! (pictures to come if/when I have the energy/time)
1. Heros - better than henches! You can equip them, distribute attribute points, assign which skills they should use, and order them around!
2. Command your Team - You can command your team with a little green flag, or individual heros.
3. More Quests - Collectors and merchants are in on the game so far. They give you relavent items (armor merchant gives you stuff with which to craft armor, for example). I'm not sure if this is only for the event, to really get people to level fast in order to enjoy the game as much as possible, but in any event, it's a good tutorial on how to use each merchant.
4. Experience Boosters - so far I've noticed them at pretty much each resurrection shrine, these NPC's give you a command writ to execute a specific species (plant species, bugs, skales{yup, they're baaack}) - including an "aura" that gives you more EXP when you kill these specific species. Cool! Great idea!
5. Beautiful new characters with interesting skills. The Paragon, a new Warrior class with a divine twist - spears are their weapon of choice, they implement stances and shouts. Reminds me of the Amazon class in Diablo 2. The Dervishes - the one I chose to focus on after trying both for a very short time, are holy reapers and enchanted mages who use scythes as their weapon of choice. The costumes for both classes are outstanding. Of course I haven't played THAT long.. on and off during the day when I wasn't at the friggin clinic.
(more to come)

Post 3 - Second day playing, continuation of list
6. School! Instead of running around from specialist to specialist (like in Factions and Prophecies) - Nightfall brings a little school, an encampment, where you can talk to experts about skill types, professions, etc. You can learn skills from these experts as well, and get starter weapons. The downfall to this is that you get less EXP from, let's say, Factions. In Factions, what's great is that you get 50 xp just for talking to the Headmasters, then a good 600 for the first specialist, then 1k xp for the second. Then you get another 1500 or so from talking to Master Togo. With Nightfall, you get xp in this school, only when you complete the head teacher's missions. The good thing about that, however, is that you aren't tempted to go through the rigors of doing all of the teachers (each profession, 3 teachers..) and waste a good chunk of time with each new character. If you're like me, and enjoy making new characters, Nightfall is A++ in this regard (as well as others, but one topic at a time). In this school you have targets that don't hit back, foes to practice on, and pretty flamigoes to tame. ;)

Post 4 - Impressions today

I find the game to be a perfect facet in the Guild Wars family, thus far. I'm finding it harder to progress in the game now, and I can foresee some issues in that department. I'm not one of those (lucky) computer players that plays hours in a row.. my pain issues make sure I turn it off and come back every once in a longish while to continue playing.. so it's hard sometimes to stay in the power leveling groove. After yesterday and today, a 20-45 minute chunk at a time, I've reached level 7 with my Dervish-Monk - and I'm already slightly stuck. Now if this wasn't only a weekend, I'd work on my armor, I'd get runes, I'd try out different henchies, etc - Pie! - but right now I want to get a good testing, and not get attached to this particular set of skills (as it can throw off my other GW character grooves. If you're a player, you know what I mean!) or maps. BTW, I got some screen shots of the map's beginning for ya..

Crappy Day?

2006-09-19T18:09:00.000-04:00

I've had a crappy nightmare of a day, what about you?
To cheer myself up without bothering others any more than I already have.. lol.. I surf the internet for ridiculum.
Pjotro - The Man with the Musical Suit made me giggle.
Iiiiiiiiii made me also giggle. Picture the dancing guy in the last link dancing to this.
Want to get something unique for that special someone, Christmas is coming...
This made me feel better about my life.. and also sad for some reason?
A dating service that makes me feel less depressed about the middle east crisis.
This one's precious.. bad fads

More to come later, I'm pooped.

My Photo of a Bee

2006-09-18T08:36:00.000-04:00

This was a great little bumble. What an exhibitionist! She stayed there for a good five minutes, turning around and around for a photoshoot. I have a rather large file of it on my background, you can see all her little unshaved leg hairs.
I love this flower too, looks like someone sprayed yellow silly string on it.. okay that's not very sophisticated of my critical eye - but cuteness often brings levity to my often crushing mental gravity. It's nice not to think of harsh things, and just enjoy the gems of nature.
Click on the photo to visit my Flickr.

Wow! What Darling Philanthropy!

2006-09-16T08:09:00.000-04:00

Oh!!

Click on the pic to see more cute pictures from "I'm Really Sad" dot com, or to add this cute and essential badge to your blog or website or online tomfoolery. I'm not sure which category our blog falls under.

This post also marks the Adventures of Em and Gordie's restarting of my old trend: neat web things of which I report on and share.

My Quote!

2006-09-13T23:19:00.000-04:00

I wanted to share with you a quote I thought of whilst chatting briefly on MSN.

"Bragging displays surprise that you succeeded, because you're positive you suck. " -Em

I brag sometimes... and I'm positive I am abhorrently deficient in a few things. Or at least clumsy.

What I'm Doing Now

2006-09-10T19:05:00.000-04:00

I'm not doing much. Taking care of Gordie, as he is taking care of me (my heart strings especially). Apart from that, I'm really delving into my art. Photography, Sketches, Painting ideas..
I have some really cute pictures of Gordon that I have to resize before uploading.. so darned darling he sometimes makes my eyes tear with the sight of his loveliness. What a fluffy pile of sweet perfection! I can't wait to share the photos with you :)

(I call this photo "Alien" - I took it of a moth who was waiting to have her portrait taken on my front door)

Art and the Carpet Shark.

2006-09-05T13:37:00.000-04:00

Art
This week I've been working on an exciting painting. It's like putting together a puzzle. I don't want to get into the concept, as I find that can mess things up... especially on such a doozie. I love complicated art, art with more layers than one can see. Art with bits and pieces that only the mind can put together in a subtle way, and only those who're in touch with that subconscious can put together. Also, art that pertains to specific arcane subjects, subjects that the general public wouldn't know about, only the indoctrinated... or some art critic in the year 2105! I love the thought of people looking at my art and seeing something of themselves in it. It enlivens and lights my heart.

Carpet Shark
Gordon is doing very well. I want to tell you about our ritual for saying:
Hello!

I walk down the stairs.
Gordon Sees me.
He waits, I wait.
I sit on the floor.
He runs to me like a mad cat.
He and I rub noses.
He and I kiss said noses.

-Now, this can go either of two ways:

1. Shark Hello

Gordon bites my hand, licks it a bit, then bites a little more. More biting!!!
"Gordon: no bite!!!!!!" I say as calmly as possible, as not to arouse his prey drive any more. I want to shriek, but I know in doggy language it could mean: I'm excited, more more more!
Gordon still bites.
I get to higher ground: the couch, or just stand up and stretch. Stretching and yawning is calming to canines.
Gordon makes this sneezy sound and licks my foot for a good 30 seconds. Maybe even a minute, depending on my deliciousness that day.

I think the shark greeting means: why were you gone so long? I missed you and I will bite you in punishment!!!!

2. Cloud Lamb Hello

Gordon licks my hands and nuzzles me.
I kiss him on the snout, ears, and top of his head.
Gordon cuddles me and makes me into a nest.
I sigh with utter contentment and rest in heaven as he sleeps.
Gordon licks me in his sleep.

Aww.. he did that this morning. I love it when he does that. Soon I will have to go down to the ground floor - right now I am upstairs - so we shall see which one he deems applicable.

This too shall pass?

2006-08-17T19:37:00.000-04:00

WHEN!?
I have been practically bed ridden this week, I feel horrible. Each time I think I've experienced Hell, I regret thinking so - because it gets worse.. and worse.. and worse.
I'm pretty useless during these times, and it pains me to see Gordie playing, and I can't play with him much.. just a few minutes, then I'm sick and dizzy.
So much pain! I never thought I could tolerate this much! It makes me shake and sweat and really sick.
That is my update :)

Breath and breadth

2006-08-13T23:25:00.000-04:00

Ooooh gosh. So sick. Can't stand it! I feel closer to knowing the full definition of physical hell every minute. I had a pretty bad asthma attack today for no good reason. My lungs decided to close up shop for a good minute, then spasmed for the rest of the day. When I mean closed up shop, I mean I could not breathe at all. Not a mite. Open mouthed and wide eyed, I fall into full panic. No thoughts, not even fear. You're clear during these times - breathe!

I tried to relax, relax.. my nails dug into the couch, my back and chest were infested with insects of pain and fire and panic. From the bottom of my chest to the top of my back, the pain is so intense. The pain! There needs to be a new name for that kind of pain! Sweat pours out of me, so much to soak through my tshirt in a couple of minutes, like I've been swimming laps or running up a hill in full Summer heat. Then, there it is, a breath, a single breath - my eyes pour out tears, Alice's tears that fill up and threaten to drown one's dignity. I cry and sob, knowing that my lungs could have decided not to open up. They could have stayed closed, how about that? Ha-ha (Nelson laugh) to my enemies!

On top of a friggin asthma attack from Painland, my pain's generally been worse, I think I have an ear infection, and a stomach bug of some sort. I hate stomach bugs. Intestinal bugs, fine, but leave my goddamn stomach alone.. it's where the goddamn pills go!! So tired.

But, as there always is a but in such sad posts, I'm okay. I'm hopeful, I'm still burning that inner flame brightly. All this pain and I'm still okay, that means something. I'm not brilliant and hop-skipping down the street, but I'm okay, and that's fine. We can't be greedy with our expectations, that's a might sweet way of getting yourself laid by Unmet Expectations, and getting preggers with Grumpiness. I hate leaving posts sounding like I'm giving up or that I'm beaten, and whatever foe I fight has won. Ha! Whatever. The callouses (sp, why isn't this in the spell checker??) on my soul are growing thicker, and I can get closer to the fire each time.

More like it makes me stronger. Every time the pain gets worse, it's like I get sent down into this deep hole for a few hours - hours of exasperation and anger and frustration and fear.. and then when I emerge, I'm okay. This doesn't come by itself. I usually meditate, read something inspiration, watch something inspirational, create art, play games, call friends, talk to family, hug, and a long list that I can't possibly write out.

Momentum must be started, that first domino falling, in order to dig out of the deep pity holes we have. It won't just come from the sky and rain down glory and candy when I'm down, so it's time to get spunky, creative, and time to stick up your chin and leave a big fat flaming bag of dog poop to the wardens of the pity cage. They sure can beat the hell out of you, but once your resolve comes in with a cake (baked in is an iron file of course), they're screwed ;)

-The picture is one I took yesterday, it's of a flower in my butterfly garden.

Tricks and the Tricky

2006-08-09T01:30:00.000-04:00

Gordon and I are learning to speak eachothers' language. I am reading a couple of books and several articles on canine "language" - and I am training Gordon to understand a few of my words. I'm quite silly, naming everything off to him, but I really hope that through this we can both understand eachother in a satisfactory manner..

To date, Gordie knows these words, or at least I think he does: Sit, Lay Down (bit of trouble with that one), Shake a Paw (useful not only for cuteness but grooming purposes), Look (pay attention), banana (he has a squeek toy), Moogurt (his puppet), Cecil (his celery squeak toy!), Kong (another toy), Up, No, Yes, Good Boy, Bad Boy (we call him Carpet Shark.. he likes to bite due to his teething), Mom, Dad, Emilie, Hello (greeting for kisses!), Mouse (a toy he broke tonight, which broke his heart, poor dear), and treats for training purposes. I'm sure he knows more words than that, but those are the words he responds to. "No biting" is on the top of my list.

To date, I have learned a few things about dogs: Dominance and Submission are big in the canine world - looking into their eyes, petting them on the shoulders, giving them food, etc (many more but I am tired) - are all ways that say, "I'm Higher Up than You!". Dogs show signs of nervousness, frustration, fear, and anger (doggy emotions I think are different from human emotions, but I will put my inadequate lables on for the purpose of this post) when you do too many of these, although they appreciate knowing that you are there to protect and take care of them. Dogs have an innate ability to communicate through smells, body language, sounds, behaviors.. Did you know that dogs "Split" up fighting dogs to keep the peace? I didn't. I'm too tired to write everything down that I've learned, but point being - I'm doing my bit too, in order to understand my fluffy cloudlamb carpet shark better ;)

Gordie Update

2006-07-26T00:56:00.000-04:00

So my little cloud lamb is settling in well enough. I am pooped and having a massive fibro flare up.. but I am so in love with him. He likes to bite me lots, but I'm teaching him not to do so. I'm also teaching him "Drop it" "Sit" "Stay" "Find it" and of course the basics like housetraining and crate training. I haven't been all that successful in crate training.. My folks are doing a lot of it tho.. it's mainly my Dad's dog, but I am the secondary owner. I hate saying owner next to a dog. . . it's not something you really own, but someone you bring into your pack.

I was totally not prepared for how much work this was going to be, and how painful. I also didn't count on having this huge flare up. I almost went to the hospital today to get knocked out with some more serious painkillers.. the ones that come in liquid form. Always better than the ones that take a pit stop in your stomach. I also have a kickass liver that tends to filter most things out. Not that I'm complaining.. lol. If I had to make this decision over again (endorsing the puppy buying) I would have waited until my symptoms were more under control. As it is now, I play and feed and train and all that a doggy mommy should do, but I can foresee a week from now being bed-ridden Em if I'm not careful.

Luckily, I have Moo-Gurt on my side (See above photo). This means less bites to the hands and arms. Thank goodness and my Mom for it! My Mom sewed on an extra arm-protecting faux lamb "fur" (?) onto it and I now have less trauma! He's so cute, he'll do this thing where he runs around the house like a grey hound after a fake bunny. We laugh heartily.

Alright, I am pooped and need to sleep. More to come :)

Prince Gordon the Cloud Lamb - Day 1 complete!

2006-07-21T13:18:00.000-04:00

So we've had Gordie for a day now, and last night was certainly a learning experience. He is SO active at night!! I got bitten by many a mosquito taking him out to the bathroom. But he's so sweet, I can't even get frustrated at his not wanting to sleep. Of course it was his first night, and I didn't want him to get too stressed, so I spent a lot of time with him. Tonight we're going to keep him in his lovely and spacious crate... I will try NOT to listen, my folks are going to keep an ear out, as I have the softest heart I know.

When we used to babysit my eldest nephew regularly, any cries he'd make would strike me in the heart and I'd start getting teary.. yeah I know I'd be a bad Mom!!! I get upset when babies cry, and puppies are no exception. Of course, as I was taught back in the babysitting times, I have to think about what's best in the long run, and not so much in the short run. Short run - all I want to do is cuddle with Gordie, do whatever it takes to make that tail wag or see him sleep, but long run - that kind of babying will lead to a spoiled and overly attached doggie. I must get that through my emotional skull!!!!

It was beautiful this morning at 4:30am, the Sun was coming up and hitting the whispy clouds - lightening them up like neon signs too far away to read. Me and Gordie were outside, he was going to the bathroom and I was stopping him from getting into trouble, and it was a great moment.

Painwise I see a difference in having Gordon around. I have tons of pain from all the excitement - the 4 hours in the car, the weather, lifting Gord in his crate, frequent squats to get down to pick him up or pet him, laying on the floor.. etc: however, through all this pain, I am happier and more tolerant of the pain. I'm exhausted too.. I feel like my blood is as light as helium, running through my veins with chaotic undercurrents of sleep. It's too hot. I hate hot weather. I like it cool, not cold, but cool. Maybe even a little crisp.. just not jaw tremblingly cold.

Last note: I'm going to take a few posts off the blog.. so if you see things disappearing, it's all part of the plan.

GORDIE!!!!!

2006-07-20T17:59:00.000-04:00

Meet Gordie, my family's new puppy! He's sweet beyond belief!

He's six weeks old (rounded down)

Loves to play, kiss me, follow me, and snuggle while we take a nap.. and I've only known him a day!! It was hard to pick him from his brothers and sister, as they were all super cute and playful.
So far I've cleaned up a few accidents, taken him outside and twisted my ankle on a squirell hole in the ground.. also spraining my wrist in the process of stopping my fall.. but I'm still very happy!!!! He's already showing how much he loves me with all his kisses.. especially his ear kisses!!

More to come :)

It puts the IM in Impersonal

2006-07-15T21:47:00.000-04:00

I got rid of MSN Messenger and the Plenty of Fish profile (online dating site) in one shot.

Instant Messaging? Oxymoron wih most...

Instant messaging is a waste of time for me -maybe not for others, especially long dist relationships who can't afford the long dist phone costs. It's frustrating, time consuming, and it forms negative habits.. I can't tell what one really means without hearing a mood.. without seeing face or at least hearing breaks or peaks in the voice.. I get annoyed by sarcasm or just plain online rudeness. Faceless, great for creeps to hide behind. I get annoyed also at how I respond to these people.. and I hate waiting and waiting while someone takes their bloody time to reply to a simple sentence, so I get annoyed/frustrated with them easily. Why not just email me if I'm to wait so long? Am I supposed to just sit here and stare at this screen? I like multi-tasking, sure, but when I'm conversing with someone, I really like it to be a real-time conversation. Also, people can hide behind their messenger and lie their asses off, and there's no way to tell. My main beef with instant messages: impersonal interpersonal communication, lifeless and one dimensional. Like having sex through a sheet, or being blind and deaf when you're not (blind-and-deaf people must want to slap IM'rs and say "get off your ass and meet people in person"). If I am to talk to people, I want the whole real raw deal, where I have all my senses to take the experience in.

Why did I get rid of POF?

There were too many guys who were either rude, cruel, frustrating, and just not right for me. There were a lot of nice guys too, which I hope continue emailing me, but the negative experiences were just too much. Real life is just so much more visceral and exciting, and I'd prefer to talk in real time.. call me impatient, but I don't think human beings should wait 15 minutes to hear the answer to "what's up"?

I'm going to let nature take its course, put my trust in bigger forces.

Stalkers

2006-07-13T09:55:00.000-04:00

I'm really not cool with stalkers, especially really fervent ones that keep on coming and coming year after year. It's sad, and makes me dislike and distance from the internet. Taking a break is hard.. online is like an addiction. It takes so much less energy than RL, and for someone who's chronically fatigued, that can really be attractive. Right now I'm trying to get healthier and try to escape the bonds of my illness, and sometimes the net is just what I need to escape for a few minutes.
Crazy people have access to the net, and this is the problem. It'd be nice if you'd have to have a license to log onto the internet, with demerit points for being an ass.

Anywho, that's my quicky of the day ;)

Clearing One's Head from Overload

2006-07-12T13:34:00.000-04:00

We walk to clear our heads, exercise, sleep, eat, drink, whatever. There are so many ways to clean up the mess that can be the brain. Lately I've just been listening to a lot of music, exercising, and .. well, the pain ironically helps. Very distracting. Tends to put my focus back on what's really important.

I've also been getting away from too much online chat. Sometimes it can be fun. But I need a break from the internet sometimes. Computers. I love them, but sometimes they take up so much time.. so much time doing nothing at all. Just staring at a bright screen hurting eyes and hands and one's sense of reality.

Some online stuff is really worth time, like Cuteoverload (like Paxil without the side effects), or anything that makes you smile. Keeping in touch is good. Working is good.

I find that computers are a really great place to escape to when reality is just a little much. But then, if you go too far into the escape, you can forget yourself, lose yourself in the binary fantasy world. You become what you read, who you talk to, who you see yourself as in this fantasy. And then the real life people around wonder what the hell is going on.

As soon as I start seeing myself slip, I take a break from whatever is causing it, and then come back when I'm myself again. I'm too much of a sponge.. but at least I know when to wring myself out ;)

So if you're wondering why I'm gone.. I need to do some RL stuff.. Adventures if you will! Then I can write about more interesting stuff.

Pain

2006-07-10T04:41:00.000-04:00

My pain keeps me up from sleeping. I see the clock tease me as it tells me it's 4:50. At least I slept a few hours.
My bones hold in them a near-breaking feeling, and my eyes are tearless from anger.
Of course this is my fault. I wanted to feel normal, I wanted to soak it up. I wanted to be a girl, but of course I put aside the consequences knowing full well what they could be. I'm making it sound dire.. how can it be dire if it happens so often?

I'm cool. Regrets of my normal neurosis wash over me as I try to regain some semblance of sleep.. why do I act the way I act sometimes? I am such an excitable person, I enjoy laughing at the conductor as I travel these rails..

Frustrating Echoes

2006-07-09T13:16:00.000-04:00

Inside the golden flecks of my eyes, (pictured right without alteration or colour enhancing) the dancing jungle greens, and the rainbow rusty reds.. I glaze over for a moment and see the environment in slow motion. There's a distortion in the world, a certainty that these eyes will see more pain.. more sludge, more anger, more tears. Looks like I had blood tears in a halo around my pupil.
Of course they will see more of my nephews laughing, hugs from family members, tears of joy, kisses, romantic looks from across the room as a man takes an interest in the eyes. These moments created the gold and greens.
Not a depressing thought either way.. intensity is experience, right?

Bing Bong Brothers... on Repeat

2006-07-09T11:27:00.000-04:00

I love this.. does it make me a bad person?

heheh

Summer Poem: Moment's Purpose

2006-07-06T15:19:00.000-04:00

Summer hot and Summer furious,
Meandering far and deeply Curious,
I walk the paths so slowly searching,
While the watchful crow is perching,
Cannot miss a moment's purpose,
Cannot waste this beauty's surplus,
Pine and clover flower air,
Sunbeam here and Shadow there:
How painfully gorgeous this world.

(C)opyright 2006 Emilie L L. Picture and Text.

Dragonfly Haiku

2006-07-06T15:09:00.000-04:00

Dainty Wings U n f u r l
Stained glass, Darkened window Pane
You'll die soon, not now.

-From my Flickr Collection, I was so inspired by the dragonfly shots. They are quite elegant to say the least. (c)opyright 2006 Emilie L L. Pic and Text.

Cute Therapy :)

2006-06-28T11:11:00.000-04:00

I posted this on my website on invisible illnesses/disabilities and I thought you'd enjoy it:

One thing I firmly believe: cute things make the world easier to handle. Here are a list of sites I visit when I'm down in the dumps and need a non-medicinal pick-me-up... drugs are often laden with side effects, so if cuteness works for you as a supplementary therapy, use it - use it - use it!! (To come next month: funny/joke links)

Cute Overload
Pet of the Day
Yuebing, the sweet and talented Rabbit
Rate My Bunny
Rate My Kitten
Hamster Tracker
Amazing Cat Collection
Awesome Cute Wallpapers
Cute Cartoon Wallpaper Background by Meomi Design
The Daily Kitten
Giant Rabbit Rescue
Cats in Sinks
Kitten Pics
Adorablog
Flickr: Bunnies Unite! Photo pool
Disapproving Rabbits!(there's a second page too!)

More to come, so if you want more cute links, stay tuned to this post. :)
Last Update: June 28th

.The.Beauty.Of.Community.

2006-06-20T18:18:00.000-04:00

I've been searching for this for so long.. it's a way to find new authors.. without relying on others. Word of mouth is great, but sometimes I like the computer aspect.
Most of the music I listen to was found by playing LaunchCast Radio, Pandora and the Music Genome project. I have found many great artists this way also, by way of computerized and community based sites.
I have also found a lot of interesting websites by using such community based internet sites such as Stumble Upon - (a super duper place where you get to vote sites as good, tag them with keywords, etc. It's a Firefox toolbar. Awesome.)

What's great about the internet (another great thing) is that community thrives on it! People get together and meld minds, to a certain extent, and knowledge flows like beer at a Frat house. No longer do we have to rely on MTV, Much Music, friends, family, or ET to tell us what's new out there.. no, we can wander into the great busy marketplace that is the net and gather up pieces of ourselves. We find ourselves sometimes by sampling things around the world, finding what we like and what we don't, and it's a lot easier with grandiose variety.

Links:

Gnod - The Global Network of Dreams, where I found Gnooks, the similar author search this article is about. The search has a little bug, where the first suggestion for authors you might like tends to be the artist you enter.. say you like it and it'll show you some other authors of similar taste.

Picture above right is a photo I took last year of fern.

+

2006-06-15T17:32:00.000-04:00

Vast and grey, the smoke covers the craggy ground. I walk through it, my ankles tickled by the choking smoke, sleeved forearm over mouth, towards what I think is North. Sky as black as ash, the only light comes from glowing fissures in the ground - a cool volcano rumbles beneath. My naked feet feel the textures on the ground which my eyes cannot see. Listless voices light up the void, they whisper intelligible pleas. My hospital gown catches on a jagged peak, and pulls me down into the gap. The gap swallows me forever.

Love: My Definition is This

2006-06-13T10:34:00.000-04:00

I feel single again. I have been single for a year and a bit, but now I feel it. My emotional torture is starting to turn into the mating calls of a marmot. Bark... bark bark!

The garden of faded and fresh scars of past relationships haunt me like a distant group of men telling me how uninteresting I am, and another group telling me how overly interesting I am. They all contradict each other. Stalkers, humble admirers, likers, haters, detestors.. I tend to strike up passion one way or another.. which is flattering.

Recently my heart was in a loop, a loop fed by history, misunderstanding, and illusory tickle. It's hard for people to tell me "hard" things, as they're worried about my health. I get that, I respect that. Now things are all sorted out and I have traveled through my anger, sadness, more anger, more sadness, and have let the chitin on my heart shed to reveal a shinier and more hopeful muscle. I feel like my heart is like an insect, each time it learns a lesson it goes through a difficult molting of its exoskeleton and grows bigger - stronger, and beats more fervently.

Single is not bad. Don't get me wrong. I like not having to wait for people to phone me, waiting for them to open up, or knowing that they're not really in it for the right reasons.. I hate having to face up to having to break off a relationship, or having someone break up with me.. there's never a good way. Someone's going to get hurt. If you're hunting for a relationship, be prepared for the tiger to attack you. Very rarely will you find Amoris Domesticus (that is HORRIBLE Latin but I'm not serious enough to pull out my dictionary), maybe half domesticated.. but it'll still have teeth.

Wait, before you start hearing the bishop from the Princess Bride "wove, twooo wove.." - I want to give you my tastes on love... I'm not into 24 hour candy love. Not that sweet love isn't great, I love that, snuggles and giggles and wide smiles all day.. but it's not my full definition. Not by far. There are a few kinds of love in the Book of Em. Most love types cannot be tolerated in great amounts.. with the exception of a couple.

(Disclaimer: this is MY definition, I'm not thinking this is be all and end all, but I'd like your comments.. I miss your comments.. hehe)

Rainbow of Love

Gossipy love: Love where you just can't wait to share gossip with your mate. You want to laugh with them about all the silly things, places, and people you experience during your day, and life, and hear about their silly encounters. You make fun of stupidity in all its forms. You're partners in sharing light hearted anecdotes, secrets, and more. By the way, I'm a big believer in gossip... We're social animals, and gossip is a way to share your morals, beliefs, and "rules." For example, sometimes you gossip about someone doing something illegal: you are testing the person you are telling this illegality to, to see where their own personal boundaries lay. I do the same with "scenario" questions... that's another post all together. Back to the matter at hand.

Sweet love: being lovey-dovey, holding hands, writing cute cards, sharing a cute private language, pet names, buying stuffed animals, all that jazz. That Splenda Candyland that makes the heart blow up like a hot air balloon and float around cloud nine. I love this kind of love. It's puppy love.. innocent, darling.

Fiery Love: this is the passionate "I need to be touching you now" kind of love. The magnetic and unstoppable force that rides the emotion to its highest peaks. Ferocious, sweaty.. it can be heaven to be with them, hell to be without them. This manic depressive state is certainly the most fun I've ever had.. even if it is rare and very brief with most people. I love the need, the gotta have it.. it distracts from pain, gives hope, and more purpose in existing. This is more sexuality than anything, chemistry I think.

Powerful Unspoken Love: this is the protective and invincible love, the rarest gem. This is complete trust (rare for me), no doubt that you'll ever part, that kind of love that would make you die for someone. Forever, loyal, faithful, and sure.

Dark Love: this shares a little bit with the last paragraph, but it goes further. This is the partners in crime, the killer instinct in love, the destructive. The primal violent hatred that springs forth from someone trying to get between you. This is the love that goes to far, that pushes you into another world. The love that makes you die once you've lost it, makes you a zombie. The kind that weighs your heart down with the lead of immortal attraction. Soul Mates, true Soul Mates - once you discover eachother, there are no other human beings on the planet. It's called dark for a reason though.. as if only one of the two has it, it turns into stalking, suicide, or worse. Ideally, both people have it, and everything's good. Too good ;)

Constructive Love: what i mean by this is a partnership love that makes you want to build a life together- get a home, have kids or pets or both, get married, do some home projects, go on holiday together.. The feeling of accomplishment, ambition, "future planning". "When we get our own place, we'll get a dog and a cat, we'll paint the walls all different colours, then we'll get married on a cool May morning."

Escapist Love: this is where you spend time in a fantasy land. Role playing, what-ifs, vacations in a faraway or secluded place, forgetting the real world and making up your own reality. This is a love best served sparsely, in my opinion.

Calm Relaxing Love: when being together makes everything okay, calm, relaxing. You lay in bed all day and smile once in a while. It's very natural, very right. You breathe better, you think more clearly, and you're less selfish, less worried.. you know. Quiet. Peaceful. Like a day at the beach on a lovely day: unless there are man eating sharks that have legs, feet, and amphibious lungs. Or jellyfish stings.

Silly Love: you clown around all the time, belly laughs, your focus is to make your partner laugh as much and as fervently as can be. You take nothing seriously and shrug off anything that tries to be serious.

Have I forgotten one?? I might add to it if I find something else.

My point is that a right mixture of these is what I see as a Perfect Love. Some more than others. Like you're making a really complex meal.. you don't want too much salt, too much hot pepper, too much sugar, too much water, too much flour, too much wine.. you want it to taste good, not over or underwhelming. I think what kinds and ratios also depend on the person, situation, time, and you of course.

If you're in a relationship, what mix of these do you have? What would you like to have? What did you have before that vanished? What has grown? It's interesting to track the progression of a relationship... it's like it never stops changing.

If you're single, what do you want? What mix is your perfect mix? I'm asking myself that. What mix was your perfect past relationship?

What other kinds are there? Please let me know so I can add.. I am such a collector. Nothing better than collecting information.

Now I'm sick of talking about love. The word is like eating rock candy - too much and your tongue gets all sore and cut up. Plus the longer the post, the shorter my attention span. There are a multitude of other things I want to explore.. But I have emails to respond to. You be good, and FEEL FREE TO COMMENT ;)

Art - Rustfire

2006-06-12T18:04:00.000-04:00

Profiles
Before I deleted the first version of this website, I was starting work on Artist profiles.. artists that really do it for me. I intend to revisit the artists I already covered, as well as continue. I also will share my own works here.

My Works

Here's a computer painting I did a while ago I wanted to share with you. It's called Rustfire and I created it whilst in a rather .. upset mood. I enjoy him greatly. It expresses pain mainly, also frustration released through anger, and tension released through violence. I enjoy the textures I accomplished, as well as the colours that shine through.

Today

I'm not too bad. I am starting to sleep more.. so the shreddies that are my brain are a little more stable. Yesterday was a little bipolar (I don't have manic depression btw.. just depression.. lol) good and bad times. I got really depressed then I was uplifted by many great conversations both online and off. I also took some great pictures I'll have to share later.

T o m o r r o w
I hope to get a photoshoot of more flowers, trike around, oh yeah - for those of you who just started reading: I own a trike. I love it. It's an adult trike and doesn't look like the one you used to have as a kid.. unless you were really lucky.

I'm so annoyed about Tuesday.. Spam Evolution... Today's Ramble

2006-06-07T22:25:00.000-04:00

Spam mails are a fetish of mine. I love how people phish and rat around for hits, email addies, and info - not love in the sense that I like when it happens to me - but love in the sense that it's evolving. The ghost in the machine smiles at me as I read through my bulk bin, eating spam up with my delete key.
The latest mail trend I've noticed is: "I'm so annoyed about ______", that blank filled in with a random day of the week. I count how many I get in a day, my various email accounts filling up like rain barrels during a Summer downpour. I used to hate it, and hate that I had to delete them.. or hate that I would get trapped by one. Yep, I've clicked on a link or two in my younger years, much younger years. When I first heard of Spam.. BBS's never had spam. I miss dailing in with my 14.4 downloading crappy jpgs and thinking it was the coolest, little QBasic programs.
I used to program QBasic... I miss it. So simple. I tried getting into VB, but found it to take too much attention in those days when I was hunting for the hairy hunk of flesh known as a boyfriend. Then I got into highschool and the Internet became more accessible. 14.4, bah, I got me a 28.8! RAD. I got me some Hotmail. Damn, I was hot shit getting the net first out of all my friends. I miss not being a slave to the net. I miss not knowing what LOL is and :) - I was a Super Highway virgin, now I'm a Net Junkie, ravaged by all the stuff crammed into my head every day. So much info.. so many people.
I see you, I see you in that car adjacent to me on the Super Highway, I live next to you in the Global Village. We all hate those pest home owners on the corner of the street that send us spam.. cooking BBQ's of Phish at night... and I don't mean the folk band. There goes the cybernetic neighborhood.. now moves in the Gore Mongers, now moves in the Pedos, now moves in the Anorexic Pride DIY sites and the terrorist planning complexes.. what the hell happened to our Global Village?
It's a mirror, so of course it's going to have beautiful support groups and cute baby animals, as well as pictures of people with their faces blown off and they're still breathing. We as humans frighten me sometimes, not because we look at harlequin babies with fearful eyes between fingers, but because so many people are surprised by the fact that there is so much darkness on the net. The good thing about this matrix neighborhood is that we can build firewalls around our swimming pools and picture windows, we can't do that in real life, damn municipal laws. I'd love to build huge concrete walls around my house... then I could safely lay naked in a hammock reading computer magazines and drinking a huge glass of privacy. I have very nosey neighbors that sit in their lawn chairs facing my house. Yeah. They BBQ really late at night, or should I say morning. Reminds me of the 'Burbs movie for some reason.
I'm not pointing fingies here, I'm as sick as I think I could be, I just keep it to myself. My true fetishes secret from everyone I know, just the way it should be. You got skeletons, tell your priest, your psychologist, your cat - but if you tell your friends, well then you've stopped being friends and started being in a whole new relationship... a group of naked apes - if you show me yours, I'll show you mine kinda thing. Privacy is golden. Keep your fetishes, religion, dark morals, and secretive murderous tendencies to yourself, and you'll have much better friendships in my vain opinion. I love the word Vain, Vanity.. like truffles on the tongue and down the throat... I am vain and arrogant. I am paranoid and suspicious of everything and the kitchen sink....

Although emphatically, my darkness does not break any laws, I try to stick on the right side of that line. I hate hurting people...

So while I listen to Charles Brown and Jimmy Smith on my internet radio, I try to forget how deeply twisted human beings can be, including me (maybe especially me), and sink into a bubble bath of blogs, friends' emails, Cute Overload, and online gaming. That's the good side of the neighborhood.

Ahh, it's good to climb out of a hole.

S T R E S S ? What the f*ck is that?

2006-06-06T20:49:00.000-04:00

If you want people to leave you alone, tell them you're lonely.

I, as it happens, am starting to feel something akin to loneliness, and now that loneliness is becoming resentment and silly sardony. I don't hate anyone for clearing the area around me, I understand it, but I personally am the kind of person that mother-hens people to death.. whenever anyone is sick, I'm there like a sticky nurse. Well if it's serious. I research their drugs, the conditions, and try to help. Not everyone likes this of course. When people can be helped by me, I help.. it's not just a self-less thing, it's actually a control thing.. I want to make everyone feel good because I can't feel good. Well, not without drugs.. or.. well, the sweet kisses of a lover. I am single... for now. I've never been single for too long, I think Nature takes pity on my lack of physical pleasure.

Speaking of drugs, I am getting off the painkillers slowly again. Slowly as hell, since cold turkey is just retarded when you have fibro.. makes you worse (i've done it a couple times). Although I must say it's an Everest to quit the only thing you have that gives you physical pleasure (massages even hurt, but they help ease tense muscles). Food does it too, but I'm on a diet. Always with the diets. Anyways, it's hard. Why am I doing it? I am never going to be cured of this, unless science strikes a deal with the Ferengi-minded pharmaceutical companies to let a cure come out.. So why delay myself getting used to the fact that I am going to feel agonizing pain for all my life? These painkillers make me stoned, sleepier, and not to mention eat away my brain and what else do I have but my brain at this point?

Whatever.. I just can't afford to be alone. People frustrate the hell out of me.

Invisible Illness Links

2000-01-01T22:57:00.000-05:00

Here are the links that were on my retired fibro website :) (I'm incorporating the site into this blog, I just don't have the energy for too many blogs)

(ever growing!)

FMS/CFS Foothold

Open Letter to Those Without FMS/CFS the letter that started the watershed of other fms/cfs letters.

Ten Resolutions is an essential read, an excellent site. Make sure you read this.

A Hummingbirds Guide To M.E. (FMS)

FMS-CFS Canada "Compassion in Action" has great information and resources.

Fibro/Myofascial Pain Syndrome/TMJ at the Invisible Disabilities Association of Canada.

Advice to a New Patient By Bruce Campbell (no, not Ash)

Immune Support.com FMS/CFS News, articles, chat, etc. Great!

Chronic Pain Haven - articles on chronic pain.

Paintracking.Com is an excellent guide to FMS. It also has links to warn you again questionable products and services/treatments. Excellent.

Quackwatch is an essential site that talks about dubious treatments, products, etc. Good to check out weird therapies.

Pain.Com This page will be profiled on the blog when I have time, but if you need to find a pain clinic - this is the place. A must for pain sufferers, visit the Site Map to take full advantages of this site..

CFS and The Alexander Technique by Martin Finnegan

Friends and Kindness By Mary Campbell

Managing My Fibromyalgia also visit the "Flare-Up Management article here which has good ideas.

Fibro Weblogs

Pain News and Updates super!

Fibromyalgia weblog by Gambling Housewife is a great fibro blog with news, personal experience, and more. Love it.

Borg of Space is a cool blog about Ingeborg, who has severe ME in the Netherlands.

Girl Interrupted is a sweet weblog written by a girl in her late twenties. She has a good proactive attitude, too!

Fibromyalgia Weekly is a new weekly Podcast (audio, you can download the mp3 files) on FMS and CFS. A must-hear.

ProHealth Newsletter FM Edition AND new links to go to the sidebar

2000-01-01T22:54:00.000-05:00

Hey All,

I love the Prohealth newsletters. I suggest you enroll. They also have a great CFS Newsletter that I get. It's often, informative, and reminds you to keep on researching, reading, and hoping.

Click here to visit Prohealth

Here's a great "coping corner" at Immune support too:

Click here to visit the Coping Corner

------------------------------

"Critical New Piece of Fibromyalgia Puzzle Found?

Pieces of the Fibromyalgia puzzle are slowly falling into place, and researchers are moving toward a unified theory that explains the etiology and pathogenesis of the disease.

While the conviction among the majority of Fibromyalgia researchers is that Fibromyalgia represents a significant sensitization of the brain and spinal cord, some leading researchers have recently formed a theory that takes the "Sensitization Theory" a step further, to what can be called the "Hippocampus Hypothesis" or "Dopamine Hypothesis." This fascinating theory states that FM is primarily a brain dysfunction resulting from stress-induced physiological changes to a part of the brain called the hippocampus and to the important neurotransmitter that it regulates - dopamine.

Specifically, the hippocampus is extremely sensitive to stress, and in fact is the brain organ that enables us to respond to environmental stressors in a way that helps us avoid danger. The best example of the beneficial stress response is when our ancestors crossed paths with a saber tooth tiger - an immediate "fight or flight" response was mandatory to ensure survival. Studies have shown that chronic stress, however, can contribute to a disruption of normal hippocampus function. The hippocampus plays a major role in pain perception and memory formation, and it is involved in controlling the production of that crucial brain neurotransmitter, dopamine. Dopamine abnormalities have been linked to "restless leg syndrome," increased pain, and feelings of self doubt, anxiety, and problems with memory formation.

If the "Dopamine Hypothesis" is correct, then it is reasonable to assume that drugs that restore normal dopamine levels and activity in the brain should have a therapeutic effect when administered to Fibromyalgia patients.
And this is where the "Dopamine Hypothesis" picks up steam. Andrew Holman, MD, recently conducted a controlled, double blind study of the drug pramipexole with several Fibromyalgia patients. Pramipexole, sold under the brand name Mirapex™, is approved for treatment for Parkinson's disease - a primary dopamine disorder. Patients experienced significant improvement in their symptoms. Another drug that affects dopamine and has been approved by the FDA as a treatment for restless legs syndrome - ropinirole - also met with remarkable success in another recent Fibromyalgia study conducted by Dr. Holman.

All told, the Dopamine Hypothesis looks promising for several reasons. It ties in nicely to the pathogenesis of the disease - that the onset of Fibromyalgia frequently occurs during times of prolonged or intense emotional or physical stress, when the hippocampus may become overworked and become dysfunctional as a result. And it ties into the fact that dopamine, which is largely regulated by the hippocampus, may cause many of the symptoms of Fibromyalgia when its levels are unregulated.

I would like to acknowledge Patrick B. Wood, MD, and Dr. Holman for their brilliant work with brain imaging, neurotransmitter physiology, and creative pharmaceutical approaches to normalizing/regulating dopamine in Fibromyalgia. Their work has proven beneficial to many Fibromyalgia patients and may hold promise for treatment of millions more. I applaud their bold, creative, and compassionate work.

Dr. Wood explains the Dopamine Hypothesis in easy-to-understand language, using computer generated graphics and patient and doctor interviews in the acclaimed Fibromyalgia DVD "Fibromyalgia: Show Me Where It Hurts" To purchase a copy of this DVD, please visit the ProHealth store.

Wishing you health and hope,

Rich Carson
ProHealth Founder and CFS Patient"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Great Tool for Trigger Point and Referred Pain : Trigger Point Therapy (quick review)

2000-01-01T22:52:00.000-05:00

Great, a Must Have Tool for All Fibromyalgia Sufferers!
This is a book I use almost daily. I love it. Commendations to Donna and Steven Finadno for writing a book that eases trigger point pain! As someone who suffers from acute trigger point discomfort, I wholly believe that this is a powerful tool in releasing some, if not all, the tension and pain from certain points. It also gives great insight into how to stop the tension from beginning in the first place, correcting posture, habits, and basically the way you move yourself in general. It makes you more aware of your trigger points, as an interconnected bodily web. It treats trigger points as they should be treated, holistically.

The Short Circuit of Trigger Points to Referred Pain
Many people I've talked to, that have trigger point issues, are unaware of how unusual trigger points behave. They don't usually understand that if you have a pain in your neck, for example, it may be due to pressure points on your shoulder being stimulated. Or if you have pain in your jaws, it may be your neck, or even your shoulders causing the pain, or the opposite. Headaches, similarly, can be caused by neck or shoulder issues.

Reference Guide
At the end of the book is an EXCELLENT picture to page reference guide called the Pain Pattern Index (p. 229-235). Basically, it shows body parts arranged by area groups (posterior, anterior, legs, etc), each group has several little pictures with red dots. Those dots show where the pain is, so if you feel pain in your jaws, it'll show you what muscle group is being triggered - and the page number where you can find RELIEF!! How often I have said whispered thank-yous to this book.

Long Term Solutions
What's great about this book is that it teaches you how to be aware of your trigger points, so that you avoid setting off the painful chain reactions.

However...
This is not a book to be read by a lay person. I recommend that if you are not familiar with anatomy, that you get yourself a pocket guide to anatomy - especially musculature. It's not a super advanced medical book, so don't be too daunted!! It's just easier if you know your muscles and your bones!

My Quick Review:
+ such a great overall tool
- hard for lay persons to read
+ Pain Pattern Index
+ causative factors of trigger point activation
- I would like to see more points explored.
+ stretching exercises and strengthening exercises
+ well organized
+ excellent graphics!

Go, get it now!!!

Art Therapy for Invisible Illnesses

2000-01-01T22:48:00.000-05:00

Why Art Therapy?
The thing about invisible illnesses is that they're invisible. It's harder to fight what you can't see, and this site, primarily, is about uncovering and soothing the invisibility. Art therapy is the perfect way to gain visibility of your problems, and to start understanding your state of living. Why is seeing it so important? We're very visual creatures, and seeing things, or even touching them if you take it one step further and want to create a sculpture, tapestry, etc, makes thing more real - more understandable. It's the tangible that gives more control. More of our senses can play with the ideas and problems, and come up with solutions and uses. Our brain is a magnificent machine capable of thinking subconscious and unconsciously, and creative representations of our problems can REALLY help with your inner brains to work things out.
I was recently inspired to do the art therapy page via Lisa Sweet's digital Art as some of her pictures hit my disease right on the nail. It triggered the Art Therapy gene in me and I have since then done a lot of art therapy.
I wasn't ready yet to put it into words, as I wanted to explore the mode of this therapy more. I needed to BE art therapy before I could pass it on to you.

This series will be focusing on issues that groups of illnesses face, not just one illness. I hope it can be used by just about anyone, and you don't need a lot to start off. Pencil and paper, pen and paper, canvas, digital paint programs, whatever you have at your disposal.

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Power comes from knowledge of the self, and what better way to understand an invisible illness than by exploring its character. For each of our personal disease/symptom profile, we have the ability to give a face or a shape to it, thereby giving that tangible extra cut to the jigsaw puzzle. I won't deeper into the value of characterizing your symptom, because I deeply believe that the value is personal, individual to each case and each symptom.

I hope you find this exercise valuable, for that is what I strive for. I will go through each step using myself as an example, as I have full and constant access to myself ;)

(This part will be important in future posts:)

Identification and Exploration: Symptom Synopsis
1) Pick a symptom. For this, I will pick carpal tunnel.
2) Describe the symptom, not as you would in a medical journal, but describe what it does to you personally. What does it feel like? Wrist, hand, and arm pain. Tingling jolts. Paralysis of fingers. Disfiguring of joints. Intense electrical bursts of burning sharp pain. Aches.
3) What brings on the symptom? (If the symptom is just there and nothing causes it, jot that down). Using hands, bad weather changes, bad hand posture.
4) What alleviates or at least helps the symptom? (if nothing helps, just put nothing) Wearing braces on the hands and wrists, anti-inflammatory, pain relief rub.
5) What feelings do you have about this symptom? Anger, resentment, frustration, exasperation, impatience, ignoring, sadness.
6) What are your fears about this symptom? That I will one day completely lose the use of my hands, that I will have to be operated upon, that the pain will get too intense for my mentality to uphold.
7) How does this primarily alter your life? I am not able to use my hands in many ways anymore. It makes me feel more disabled, I can't use the computer as much as want or sometimes as much as I need to, in order to stay social, productive, and connected.

Hold on to these notes, as you may want to further explore this symptom in another mode.

You may feel like you're in complaining mode, but this is a good kind of complaining. We're exploring, not complaining. Be as honest as possible and you'll get more out of this exercise. Now the next parts come in different flavours: abstract, symbolic, and realism. Today's post is all about abstract expression! More specifically, today's post is the first in the abstract series:

-Simplified Abstract Project-
You can go wild on the design of an abstract work, it's so much fun and you don't have to worry about making it "good" or "pretty". It can be a scribble, a coloured shape, a big mess of blotches.. This is but ONE technique of abstract, as I am not about to write them all down.. Remember the carpal tunnel???? ;) Be patient, and if anyone is interested, I will eventually get more posting out there.

1) Reread your synopsis of your symptom, and jot down any further notes you have about it. Include any feelings, any themes you find, etc, and really study it for a while longer. Take a day to think about it, or sleep on it. Sometimes dreams will activate the most amazing insights.

2) Get out your piece of paper, or paint program, and first figure out what shape this symptom is.. is it a triangle of sharp pain? Is it a square, like a cage? Is it a thin rectangle like a cruel confining dog run in which you pace? Is it a circular cycle of repetition? Or is it something more complex? Try to limit your first try with a single shape, then as you further develop your style, move onto multiple shapes. You can go wild with shape selection, you can even do blobs or slashes or holes or whatever you want. In my example (below left) I have made a blob/spike shape to represent dull aches and intense sharp pains.

3) What colour is the symptom? Is it red with inflammation? Is it blue like a bruise? Is it dark grey for dull and maddeningly mundane? Is it a festering green? Is it a blossoming green as in it has a life of its own? Is it a rusty colour that's being worn away by the elements? Explore what colour it would be. I used greens and yellows to represent an acidic feeling for the base. More to come on colouration when I talk about details.

NB: It's important that you focus on the symptom and not on how the picture "looks". Use the looks as a bookmark for certain thoughts, but don't use the image alone to make it attractive. It's not supposed to be good or pretty, it's supposed to help you explore. You might be as good as William Waterhouse, but this isn't about "good". If the colours clash, that's okay. If it looks childish, that's okay! Actually, that can be a very good thing, as you are unabashedly and uncaringly expressing! Unconditionally! GO WILD, but stay on track.

4) Now for a background, you can do this step as #3, and switch that one for this one, but I like doing the background next. It helps set the mood for the details, but doesn't colour the subject - the symptom. But again, your choice. For my Simplified Abstract, I have made the background bruise blue and frustration purple, gradated as they feed off each other. I also added a "halo" effect around the bulbous part of the shape, I'm not sure why logically - but it felt like that. Upon further exploration, it feels like a halo of pain, like an area of pain that's not tangible. THESE are the little things, the details, that will come out.. jot these down.

5) Details aren't needed. I give this option for further exploration, but also as an opening to the next abstract project. To add details is to explore the symptom in details, to see the minute connections and conditions important for further inspection. I will go through what I did:

-I added the red veiny marks to show inflammation, and the pulsing pain that comes with it. Some of the shape is lacking in red, because carpal tunnel also restricts circulation to certain parts of the hand... causing tingling and paralysis.

-I added the wiry white squiggly lines to represent sharp nervous electrical pain.

-I added the black spidery mark to represent a growing "Evil" feeling pain, something I fear and hate. The idea that I might not heal from it, the idea that I may have to stop using my computer at some point, or stop painting with my hands.. Although I know that there are other ways of typing. Mouth-Pen typing is possible.

-Lastly, I have added little blue balls at the end of the sharp edges to represent bloated pain, like my fingers are going to pop!

You can even name it, write a short poem about it, or use it in an upcoming art therapy project. I call this: "Tendon Wrangling Gone Wrong." It's not something I'd hang up on my wall, but I learned some things from this experience. For example, I learned that I ignore the pain far too much, and use the computer without pause far too much. I must learn to take more breaks!!!!!

I would LOVE to see what you come up with, so please feel free to add a link to your picture in the comments, or email me your picture, etc. Adding a description of how you came up with it would also help others understand the process. Also, if you learned anything, that would be a bonus to hear!

I can't wait to share the next exercise with you! Stay positive, stay proactive, and productive in your search, and you will find meaning and perhaps overcome something bulky in your way.

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This is part two in the series of Art Therapy for Invisible Illnesses. In this part, we will delve into a simplistic (it's best to start simple and build up) symbolic mode of painting. Please refer to the Previous Post which contains the format for symptom exploration. You can use your own method to profile a symptom, and for the purpose of this post, I will profile another one to give you more ideas. I have also simplified the format of the profile, you can copy/paste it to a text file if you wish, in order to fill it out or print it out. Click here for a printable format symptom profile sheet.

Example Symptom Profile
1) Symptom: Fatigue
2) Characteristics: sluggishness, energy draining, sleepiness, foggy mind, slow reaction time, lowered memory function, comprehension skill lower, low stamina...
3) Triggers: stress, weather change, pills, exercise, mental activity, pain, general illness cause.
4) What eases it: good sleep, good diet, exercise (vicious cycle), good stable weather, other pills, happiness, ease, certain non-drug treatments.
5) Feelings associated with it: I feel caged, enslaved by it, frustrated, fearful, stressed, annoyed, alarmed, exhausted emotionally, antisocial, lazy, persecuted, lesser..
6) Relevant Fears: that I will continue to be this tired, that I'll get morbidly fat, that people think it's only because I'm lazy, that people don't understand and won't ever understand, that one day I'll fall asleep in a dangerous place, or faint in a dangerous place or situation..
7) Lifestyle Effects: disabling, can't do a quarter of what I used to when I wasn't so sick, I can't go anywhere alone for long, I sleep a lot, I get faint from it.

Now, we use this profile to seek symbolic parallels, imagery, things we can use to symbolically express the chosen symptom. If you don't want to analyze it long, try to think:

What images are first conjured when you think of the symptom? With fatigue, I think of a heavy-lidded and pink eye, sleepy and wary of the day. That leads me to think of a ball and chain on eyelids.

For your symptom, it may be harder. Say you have something more abstract, and it's not easy to come up with images. During which times, go through the symptom profile and try finding symbols for the way you FEEL about an illness, what you fear about it, or how it changes your life. For example, in this example profile, I can also get a ball and chain imagery from the trapped feeling of being so fatigued.
Another example would be a digestive disorder, specifically an inflammatory or nervous intestinal disorder may be hard to characterize. Sure you could draw intestines that are red and inflamed... but symbolism is more about comparing it to something else in order to make parallels which offer insight. You could draw a long winding road, along jagged red rocks, with cars whom have spikey tires riding on it.. and if this involves serious constipation - then make those cars in a traffic jam (I am not joking about these disorders so don't get insulted) or if it is more watery - make the road flooded.
More examples? Well let's say you have severe neck pain - perhaps you could draw a church with a broken steeple. If you have a reality disorder (hallucinations) you can show this as a more psychedelic expression, like a magenta dragon blowing white flames that end in humanoid shapes, seen only by one character in the art work but not the others...
Or, if we were to use the last post's ailment of Carpal Tunnel - that can be a hard one. You could show lots of wires that have bunched up and there are little bumps along the tubing. The cables could be hooked up to one of those industrial digging machines.. Okay, so I am not going to get deep into it.. use your wonderful imagination to create your own Art Therapy masterpiece.

Let me explain what I came up with. I call it: "Fatigue in Butter":

I wanted to express the chronic fatigue body as something finite, a weak solid, something that melts under pressure. Butter. The smooth stones represent the weight of fatigue, the stressors that cause the fatigue, and how fatigue wears through a person. The background shows a dirty sunrise, as people with severe insomnia know: sunrise without a sleep-filled night can be a hateful thing. You want more time to sleep, more opportunity to beat the monsters of sleep. If you could only sleep, you could get those damned boulders off your back and get "solid" again. The purple foreground symbolizes bruising, as fatigue hurts. People without severe fatigue might not know this, and so it's another reason I included it: as I want to express. This is what art therapy has done for me: I've been able to make tangible the invisible, so that the invisible thorns become easier to contemplate. I'm a big believer in contemplation, meditation, deliberation... it can really help you deal with things, solve problems, come up with game plans, or solidify something your subconscious and unconscious may be having problems with.

A note about Art Therapy
So many people with invisible illnesses suffer from the thought: what if I'm crazy and I'm not physically sick? Why do they think that? Well because if it's invisible, you're the only one going through it 100%. This may cause doubts in others, or they might just not understand, or you might doubt that they believe you since they can't possibly know what you're going through. One way to help this is to get it on paper, digital or pulpy paper, and show it to loved ones, or just have it around for yourself. Just being able to see something, (or if you can't see - then sculpt it! then you can FEEL it) and solidify it can do wonders for the psyche. Just try it! Get that pencil, that paper, and get your feelings out. It may be hard at first. You may have too much to get out, that's why I'm suggesting you take it one symptom, one step, at a time. And start very simply... cartoonish, childlike, and build up from there. You'll find it a lot easier since you'll be under less pressure to produce the next Mona Lisa or Guernica or Self Portrait with Baked Beans. If you can't do your own art, go through art websites, books, magazines, museums, and try to pick out a few pieces that express your feelings. Get a postcard of this art, order a print, cut it out of the magazine, or whatever, and keep it in a scrapbook of your "symptom similar art works". This can be a touchstone for your feelings without actually having to do the art work... however give your own work a try if you can.

Can't use your hands or one of your hands?
I've learned to use my left hand for many things (my mouse hand is my left, and I do most computing with it, as well as writing with it on some days), and taught myself to be tolerably ambidextrous, and I'm working on learning mouth painting. Why? Fibro-enhanced Carpal Tunnel syndrome! I see it as an opportunity to be a quarter as good at alternative body-part painting as these guys , Mouth and Foot painters. My family and I have long supported these artists, and they send us beautiful calendars, bookmarks, and postcards that BLOW ME AWAY! How cool is it? Mouth painting is darned hard, and if you just take a look at the utter craftsmanship that come from feet and mouths.. well, you'll be motivated to say "get bent" the dreaded hand impairment. Okay, one step at a time!!! Don't put too much pressure on yourself, just know that there are alternatives to using the right or left hand you're so used to ;)

Ok, more to come. Good luck with your paintings, and send 'em in!

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Pain Tool: Drug Store Pain Patches - Reviews and How-To's

2000-01-01T22:46:00.000-05:00

THIS POST IN IN PROGRESS, but since i am taking so long to complete it, I thought you might enjoy perusing it now! I will add to it as I get more experience with the patches, so you may call this a perpetual post.

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, ask your doctor before using these, read the packaging carefully, and be an informed consumer. I have fibro and may be more sensitive to these patches, and I am not allergic to any of the products I have tested (well not much). This is simply a post on my findings. Also, remember that as you age, your skin gets thinner and therefore is more susceptible to burns and irritation from these patches. A more careful testing period is recommended, but more recommended is that you talk to your doctor. For heating patches, it is recommended that you wear them OVER cloth or clothes in order to minimize possible burns.

Intro
Finally, after a month of testing and documenting, I have an article that I am sure can help sufferers of fibro and fibro-like pain. Pain patches, if you're not allergic to them, should and must be part of your pain-relieving toolkit. I will talk about the rest of the toolkit as I find the tools, but this article is all about pain patches and how they can help YOU!
I have severe pain from Fibro, and if my pain is under 7/10, these patches works wonders. If I have a pain level of 6, it'll bring it down to a 5 or 4/10 through distraction of nerves, as well as the mind. As the nerves feel a strong sensation other than pain (be it menthol or capsacin, etcetera), they focus their attention on the "louder" pain, so as long as your pain isn't intense.. this is a good plan. Some of them also have the added bonus of aromatherapy, or increasing circulation, but enough intro - here's the data I collected. I'm no scientist, so don't laugh at my lack of professionalism here, friends. ;)

Product Name: Rub A535 Dual Action Patch
Type: Menthol-type
Application: Big patches, best to cut them down to a smaller size, otherwise it's hard to keep it from sticking to itself.
Stickiness: 5/10
Can you unstick and restick the product? Not well.
Comfort of Patch: Good, but very "gooey" - which might be off-putting to some users.
Sensation: At first it's cool and wet, then it gets warmer and warmer. The amount of warmth may disturb some users around more sensitive spots (neck for example). Unlike some patches, I always knew it was there, the distraction level from my pain was well worth the extra price you pay with this.
Pain Relief: The sensations are distracting, and if you use the patch properly, this distracting action will trick the brain into feeling less pain.
Time Active: 2.5 - 3.5 hours.
Smell: Menthol (minty)
Best Area to Apply Patch: Back.
Overall thoughts: I like this patch, it can last over three hours and works quite well. The only thing I would say that would be a problem here is if you're allergic (read package before purchase) or if you don't like the "gooey" feeling at first.. It's a little bit more expensive, but the patches are bigger, so if you cut it down, it's a good price as the lesser priced ones are usually smaller and work for less time.

Product Name: Tiger Balm Patch
Type: Menthol, Camphor, demontholised mind oil, eucalyptus oil, and capsacin (bonus marks on the packaging for having the ingredients!!)
Application: VERY sticky, if you get it on your fingers and fingernails, you need to work hard to get it off (as you do NOT want to get any of these pain patches' stuff in your eyes!!!). Good size, and otherwise application is simple if you're paying attention. This is not a patch that you can put on while you're multitasking.
Stickiness: Not bad at all 7/10.
Can you unstick and restick the product? Yes, twice or even three times.
Comfort of Patch: Good, feels nice, doesn't hurt. Breathes well.
Sensation: cold, and then much later it gets warm. On sensitive places it may hurt, as there is capsacin!! It may also leave a red mark under the patch. But, as I will post in future about capsacin: the more you use it, the less it hurts and the more it kills pain. But that doesn't mean you should cover yourself in it and go in shock, silly. Use in moderation, a little tiny bit at a time. You may want to cut capsacin patches in little tiny squares at first, and apply them to your lower back (unless it is already irritated, burned, etc, then you're asking for extreme pain and you need help ;).
Pain Relief: Good distraction from pain. Intense cool is refreshing and calming.
Time Active: 3 hours.
Smell: Strong smell, but the aromatherapy benefits of this product aren't lost on me! It's a calming smell, as well as it gives mental clarity (which fibro people and cfs people need due to exhausted mind), and positivity. Oh, and minty smells curb hunger, which is also good since a good percentage of those with FMS and CFS have overeating disorders connected to pain and mental symptoms (more on that in the future).
Best Area to Apply Patch: Anywhere! If the smell bothers you, you might want to stick the patch below the breastline. Also VERY good for carpal tunnel pain - put it on under your wrist brace(s) and it really stops mid-level pain.
Overall thoughts: Good price, good product. Fair and if you like the smell - wonderful! I like that the package has information, as many of the others didn't have the info for me.

Product Name: Deep Heating Patch
Type: Methyl Salicylate
Application: Easy.
Stickiness: Good, best out of all that I tested. 9/10.
Can you unstick and restick the product? Yes.
Comfort of Patch: *Do not apply to very sensitive areas, as this does have quite a punch to it* - if applied to not-so-sensitive areas (neck fibro points), it's amazingly comfortable. It's VERY bendy.
Sensation: Cold, then VERY warm to hot. If it's on a sensitive place, it might burn and prickle, and leave a bit of a red patch.. so test it!!
Pain Relief: Very good at distracting from pain. Thumbs up.
Time Active: 2-3 hours, however I've just noticed that the pack says no more than 2 hours and no more than twice daily! Let my mistake be a lesson: read the packaging thrice and not just twice ;)
Smell: Strong menthol smell, but I find that nice.
Best Area to Apply Patch: Lower back - it's heavenly there.
Overall thoughts: This patch also earns an A. Why? Well if you use it properly, and test it before you commit to spending a couple of hours with it out of doors (where you can't readily take it off) - you'll love it. What sets this patch apart? Well the intensity of the heat combined with the fact that you can cut it into shape (unlike some other patches I will talk about later) AND it sticks really well. Good combo over all. But again, I warn you: test all patches before going out and being unable to strip it off if it starts to burn.

Product Name: ThermaCare Heatwraps
Type: Heat cells with activated charcoal, iron powder, sodium chloride, sodium thiosulfate and water. (Actually produces heat.)
Application: Very easy.
Stickiness: Excellent.
Can you unstick and restick the product? I have re-stuck this product over 3 times and it still held.
Comfort of Patch: Very comfortable if used properly.
Sensation: Heat is generated by the ingredients reacting with air when product is unwrapped. It produces a lot of heat, like a real heating pad, but without the troubles of a wire/plug, or having to reheat it (like the Magic Bag). Very nice, increases circulation, relaxes muscles. This is great during menstrual cramps! Very cool.
Pain Relief: Great for muscle cramps, especially back muscles and abdominal muscles.
Time Active: 8 hours.
Smell: No smell.
Best Area to Apply Patch: Comes in different formats for different body parts (ie back, neck, arm) - all spots are good. However, it gets VERY hot and if you're sensitive, this can hurt. Sensitive places like the neck may get burned, so follow the directions carefully on the package, including the nice insert that comes in each box. I like it on the lower back, between shoulders, and on lower abdomen during menstrual cramps.
Overall thoughts: I love this patch!! It's called a wrap, ok, but I had to include it into this experiment, as I was curious from the commercials . This is an excellent patch and if you can use it - it's a great tool for easing lactic acid buildup that fibrofolks get so easily during workouts. It's a great tool for any woman during her period. It's a great tool for anyone who gets sore muscles. It isn't great for overall fibro electric pain, but great for muscle relaxation - and anyone with any disability, who gets frustrated by the disability or easily gets muscle strains needs to try this patch - of course read the package and consult your doctor!! One note, during one of the tests, I have asthma, my lungs got bothered after using this patch.. but not during all tests. *Update note March 7th: I have had similar irritation to my eyes after having the patch on my neck. I recommend that if this happens to you, remove the patch completely, or transfer it to a body part further from the face. I recommend thighs, calves, lower or mid back.
Update again, in March: more breathing and eye problems when wearing these patches. Keep in mind, I'm a very "allergic" person ;)

Product Name: Icy Hot Patch

Type: Menthol, and a list of other non-med ingredients listed at bottom back of package.
Application: I'm not sure if they have smaller patches, but this pack has HUGE patches that must be cut down. Cut BEFORE you remove the plastic layer!, otherwise you'll have a heck of a time.
Stickiness: Good.
Can you unstick and restick the product? Yes, I've re-stuck this product three times (with each I did at least three re-sticks) and it passed with acceptable limitations. That is, clean the areas you want it to stick to, as with all patches, and make sure there is no moisturizer or other product underneath.
Comfort of Patch: Great. Very bendy.
Sensation: Cold and hot at the same time. Comfortable. Less "gooey" than other patches.
Pain Relief: Great at distracting from mild to moderate pain.
Time Active: Unknown - between 3-6 hours. It depends on what area you apply it to. You will notice it more on the neck for longer, but will stop noticing it on the back after 3 hours. This is great on the wrists, neck, ankles, knees, and upper back - as it is longer than some patches.
Smell: Strong menthol. The "yummiest" menthol smell of the ones I tried, however. ;)
Best Area to Apply Patch: Mentioned under "time active".
Overall thoughts: Good patch. I like it, and I like the fact that it lists all ingredients on its package, for those of us who have strange allergies. I love the smell, it's a very fresh candy-mint smell. It's also very cutable, for areas that require tailored patches (fingers, thumb, upper neck, etc) -and great for making small patches to cover a larger area. (I will talk more about this Dispersal Technique later on in this article.

Product Name: Absorbine Jr. Pain Relieving Patch
Type: Camphor, eucalyptus, menthol.
Application: Easy, good.
Stickiness: Good.
Can you unstick and restick the product? Yes, and the residue from where it was stuck before will continue to deliver pain relief / distraction.
Comfort of Patch: Good. The intensity might be a bit much for some, but I find it effective.
Sensation: Very cold (but not actually cold)
Pain Relief: Good, distraction level is higher than some.
Time Active: Recommended 1-2 hours, but can remain effective longer than that on sensitive areas like the neck.
Smell: Earthy mint smell.
Best Area to Apply Patch: Neck, back.
Overall thoughts: This is noticeably more acute in its cold sensation than other patches, which can be good if you need a good distraction from your pain. It has good stickability and so can be transferred from one place to another if you want, a few times.

Product Name: Deep Cold Pain Patch
Type: "Natural Menthol 4.26%" - (Icy Hot had 5%)
Application: Easy. Points for directing people to cut patches. I like good suggestions and directions.
Stickiness: 6/10
Can you unstick and restick the product? Yes, I would say twice, and thrice it loses adhesive ability.
Comfort of Patch: Good, bendy. But has a "gooey" feel at first, like A535.
Sensation: Cool. Comfortable, gentle.
Pain Relief: Good distraction, like many other patches.
Time Active: Suggested 1-2 hours, however CAN last longer.
Smell: Minty smell, soft.
Best Area to Apply Patch: Neck, back.
Overall thoughts: I like this patch. Whatever other ingredients sets this off from other patches, the difference is slowly noticeable. The effects start off subtly and build up gently.

Product Name: Tensor Heat Therapy
Type: Ingredients react to air, like ThermaCare - it actually creates heat - as illustrated with a heat-vision photo graph montage on the packaging.
Application: Great, easy.
Stickiness: 6/10
Can you unstick and restick the product? Yes, but after the second time it unsticks easily. I use sticky tape to restick it after that.
Comfort of Patch: Good! After a few hours the skin underneath builds up some sweat, so people who don't like that may find it uncomfortable. Unlike the ThermaCare, this breathes less easily (causing that sweating). I LOVE this patch, it feel comfortable to me.
Sensation: Like a sunbeam is hitting that part of your body on which the patch is stuck.
Pain Relief: Great for menstrual cramps, muscles aches, lactic buildup in muscles, strains, tension, etc. A great tool for relaxing muscles and bringing circulation to the affected area.
Time Active: 10 hours!!!!
Smell: None
Best Area to Apply Patch: Back, abdomen, neck - etc,
Overall thoughts: I absolutely love this patch. It's a great tool to relax muscles and increase circulation to the affected area. I have my irregular hell period right now and it's really helping with cramping.

Uses of Pain Patches: How to Add this Tool to your Pain Relieving Arsenal!

I) Precautions

First, make sure you're not allergic to the patches.
Next, make sure it doesn't interact with any topical medication you're using (or ingested otherwise).
Test the product on your arm for a short time, then a longer time, and frequently check for burns or other reactions.
Read the packaging twice or thrice - better safer than sorry.

II) Different Tools for Different Jobs - Don't use a wrench when you need to use a saw.

There are different reasons to use these patches:

Distraction from Pain

This will mostly work on mild to moderate pain. During a 7/10+ pain attack, it may not do much of anything.
It's not a substitute for pain meds your doctor prescribes, but can be used WITH the pain medication.
Be an informed consumer, be wise, listen to your doctor, your brain, and your gut. If you don't like the product, there are other products that can help you.
Also, make sure you're not allergic to the product, because then you'll have a negative pain distraction!
Try out different patches for yourself. Everyone is different, and what distracts me - may highlight someone else's pain. You may react differently.

Increasing Circulation and Heat

Cold muscles can add dramatically to fibro pain and other pain disorders - so these warming (ThermaCare and Tensor) patches will help this. Use on cold days, or on cold places (as people with circulation disorders can have cold body parts regardless of Summer/Winter temperatures), and it will heat up the part for 8-10 hours!
I have found that the extra circulation helps with the healing process on strained muscles. People with impaired healing (due to lack of proper sleep, immune system dysfunction, etc) might find that their muscles heal a bit faster, and with less fuss. I certainly was impressed, although don't expect miracles, friends, stay realistic!
Menthol based patches might FEEL hot, but I doubt they actually get hot. Or if they do, it's probably due to the patch trapping body heat in? Anyways, the air-activated ingredients in the ThermaCare and Tensor patches actually generate heat. I hate to repeat, but I want to get the point across. THEY ARE AWESOME!

Relaxing Tension

With pain disorders, and any disability really, frustration commonly breeds without proper outlet, and muscles tense up. We all have our bad spots: tense shoulders, achey lower back from tension postures, neck pain, etc. Heating patches and even the menthol-based patches can aid in relaxation of these muscles. Either heating the muscles, aromatherapy, distracting soothing menthol patch sensation, etc, these things will all lower tension in the body, mind, and soul.

III) Odd findings
During my study, (remember, I have fibro and other issues that may be responsible for these findings) I used menthol-based patches on my legs at times, and each time it made my legs hurt more. The pain I used them for was the nervous restless fibro pain, like withdrawal pain. I'm not sure what this means but I will look into it.

IV) Finding the Right Spot
I suggest drawing a map of your body (even if it's a simple stick figure) and test out which spots are helped by patches, and which places to avoid - and mark it down on that "map". Of course you must use common sense. Never put any of these patches on mucus membranes, sexual organs and areas, etc!! Otherwise you're in for an ouch, my friends. It would be useless for me to give you my map, as all bodies are individual when it comes to sensitive spots and numb spots - due to fatty deposits, muscular places, places that have been operated on, burnt, etc. I suffered a bad burn when I was in my teens, and there's NO WAY you should put a patch on irritated, burned, or previously badly burned skin.

V) Carrying a "Distraction" in your Mobile Toolkit
What do I mean by tool kit? Well, I'll let you in on my toolkit so far. With me, where ever I go, I take pill-form meds with me, as well as hand sanitizer (I have a compromised immune system so I err on the side of caution) small cut or folded menthol-based pain patches in a locking plastic bag, a small portion of pain cream (more on pain cream in a future post), a bottle of water with A very small amount of salt in it (dehydration adds to mental fatigue and physical fatigue), a cracker pack (in case I need to take a pill that requires food in the stomach, and so forth. I will post about the toolkit later, but what it is basically is a kit you can take with you that will help you in the case of emergency - but also it can help you go out more often. How? Well sometimes when I'm out and having a pain attack, I have to come back home asap. That can waste time, money, and make one very frustrated, as you may have paid to get to that place (taxi, bus), you might not get out a lot (if you're like me you get out a few times a month at best), and it's nice being out with people and sights to see. A change of vista. The problem with this is that it must be as light as possible, as anyone with pain, weakness, etc - really can't carry a ten pound bag and have a good time.
So that's the great part of pain patches: they are light, compact, bendy (except for some heat patches), and discreet. They fit in the toolkit with ease, and can be applied a the bathroom stall, or in public if it's not hard to get to with dignity.

o{---Progressive Muscle Relaxation---}o

2000-01-01T22:43:00.000-05:00

Here is a quick exercise I'd like to share with you today, as I am sharing it with friends, family, etc - in order to promote this meditation that has helped me much in the past and present. Today is elections day in Canada, so all Canadians in stress/pain: this is dedicated to you :)

(I suggest you do this while listening to calming music, like SomaFM Radio's Drone Zone, or Radio Tabla):

Lay down with a pillow under your head and another one under your knees (optional, but it's more comfortable)
Breathe in slowly through your nose for a count of 6, and out through your pursed lips (like you're whistling, but without sound) for a count of 15. Get used to this breathing for a few minutes before you continue to the next step. (This is easy to memorize, but you can also copy and paste this into a word document and print it out if you wish.)
Think of each muscle from your toes to your nose, tense them all up for that inward respiration (6 seconds or count to 6) but tense them up only once, and then relax them all slowly for a count of 15. Another option for this is going through each muscle at a time from toes to face, each breath cycle being one more group. The optional method is more effective, but it takes a lot longer, of course depending on how down to detail you get. I suggest you can also just focus on muscle groups: leg muscles, abdominal, arms, neck and shoulders, and face.
Continue breathing, and feel like your body is slowly melting into the carpet, like a marshmallow in the microwave or snow under a warm joyful sun.. This should relax you plenty. Do this for 15 minutes to an hour (or more!), and your body will release plenty of happy endorphins.

For some free Audio Meditation Lessons, click here