For a long while I've not written here due to pain at my desktop computer. I have a new interface, so hopefully I will be able to write more. Recently, yet more research has proven that journalling is good for what ails us... Including pain.
I am lost when it comes to where to start, what to do with the blog.. Brainstorm. Fibroventing and info, app reviews, Gordie, life. Sorry this sounds just like a boring regular blog. Maybe it won't, maybe it will.
First, bad. Then good.
Fibromyalgia has done a good job at painting me into a tight corner. Pain and symptoms continue to escalate. The pain scale goes:
0-10. Zero being no pain and ten bring the worst pain imaginable. My imagination for that ten worst possible I can imagine grows further than I am comfortable with. It scares me greatly that the pain keeps getting worse. When I was in high school it made me grumpy, especially since I didn't know I had fibromyalgia.. I always thought I was just a wimp. But as it got worse I started to see doctors about it. Growing pains. Depression. Bad excuses that I knew could not be right. So I started to focus on the most localized pain, the uterine pain. PCOS, endometriosis, fibroids.. Confirmed. But some of the symptoms didn't fit. More doctors, more tests. More pain, and more disabling effects. Fired from two jobs for going to the emergency room more often than they'd like.. Then the diagnosis. So I have it. People around me, not my immediate family, started to say things like "I thought you had endometriosis... Not fibromyalgia" and "so why is it disabling now and not in highschool?"and "if you're in so much pain, why aren't you screaming?" and "you must be exaggerating or faking because you don't look sick or in pain."
Of course there was much more stupidity in quotes, but I want to continue.
This infuriated me, of course, especially coming from people close to me. I was blessed with wonderful parents, and they always knew the truth of my pain because they saw the effects every minute they were around me. Others judged upon their experience, their thoughts, their ignorant crap. People I respected, or at least tried to. Long story of course.
I had two friends that mostly understood what I went thru, one that really really understood out of those two. One I thought did wholly but turned out there was a lot missing. Both very nice people and deserving of happiness, but of course you saw the past tense there in the first sentence of this paragraph. As the illness grew thicker and deeper roots, became worse exponentially, I became less and less relatable, and so did they. I changed into something alien. More misunderstandings lead to more fights, and they needed things of me I could not supply.
Thus as things withered, my heart ached and hardened to what was to come. The last respective straws loaded on my back and I was not able to support it anymore.
Another person was so obviously disgusted and doubtful of my condition that it came to harsh situations I would rather not get into. It continues, I think, but no longer am I getting words about it. To this person... I am a liar, lazy, slobbish, and just plain wimpy. I should toughen up! I should work full time! I should be stronger and tough it out. This is a painful thing for me, but there is nothing i can do.
For anyone who has an invisible illness, this is a fact of life: some people will be disgusted with you, distrustful, and disappointed. Why?
That question haunted me for quite some time, but along the way I have discovered aspects of the possible answer.
People that are disgusted and disappointed in people with invisible illness are usually people that try too hard in life, sacrificers, and work their butts off to less result than they expect. Working too hard in life means they put in more effort than is physically and mentally safe, and they do not achieve balance. They start getting seriously diminishing returns for the heavy workload they impose upon themselves and they see that as unfair. They work for the approval they think you should also seek from them. These people are prone to frustration filled panic attacks or even nervous breakdowns. Every time, these people have a distorted self image in intellect or body or personal value or spirit. I have met many, and they all carry a sick heavy burden. They fill their lives with "achievements" and other things to casually boast about to bolster their broken self image. Compliments do not easily work on these people and are usually seen as a jealous or sarcastic thing. It is scary to see how many people are exactly the same. Insults also have a weird response in that they are seen by these people as compliments most of the time and depending on the insult obviously. Insults mean the person is painfully jealous of this skewed person, hurting in envy, and therefore the philosophy of this person is strengthened... Although I don't insult these people I have heard their reactions to others' insults.
The biggest point here is that analysis is so much healthier than letting these people further sicken you with their hurtful reactions to you. You have the power to disable THEM. But also pity their sadness and sickness so as not to get too bitter.
Bitterness is something invisible illness will create.
I have a great deal of bitterness towards many groups. For instance, smokers who smoke around me. I have asthma which is brought on mostly by smoke. Yeah people have the right to live freely, but do they not also have the right not to have a fucking asthma attack every time they wanna leave the house cause some asshole is exercising their right to slowly kill themselves? ( Overdose is better, as lung cancer is one of the most painful and horrible ways to go.) I don't care if people smoke in their own houses, farms, or apartments, whatever. Smoking sections are a great idea! People who have asthma or people who just don't want to increase their chance of lung cancer would know exactly where to avoid. But every time I want to walk outside or open my window I run a great risk of having an asthma attack that can be terrifying on it's own without having a flare of fibromyalgia pain which always follows even minor asthma attacks. And having to put steroids in my body where otherwise I would not have to. Crack, heroine, coke, whatever people do I don't care so long as it just hurts the smoker, shooter, or drinker, snort-er.. smoking hurts everyone around you, people that have their freedoms buttfucked just so you can look cool and feel less withdrawal.. Oh and get that nicotine rush. You know you can get liquid nicotine? I hear it lasts longer and feels "deeper".. Although you have to watch the dosage, it can be fatal. Liquid nicotine also doesn't have tar and arsenic as far as I know.. Smokers really get screwed getting hooked on these things with the concoction of crap the smoke company is putting into cigarets. It's like they wanna see what people will tolerate before quitting. I think nicotine in safer forms should be used therapeutically. It is indeed used in this way, bow ever not as often as perhaps it should due to the cigaret stigma. And of course regularly used causes withdrawal when not taken properly. Imagine being able to have your buzz without withdrawal and addiction? There won't be a research company with enough bodyguards and brass balls to research how to take the withdrawal out of smokes.
I know withdrawal very well. I have to deal with it. It's part of pain management and stupid laws that come from people who abuse painkillers for kicks. Another bitterness.
Anyways, if you are a smoker and hate what I just said, think about it I depth. I can't open my window because my neighbors smoke outside near my window. I can't walk around securely outside my own home due to the smoke, without the inhaler of steroids I have to take mainly due to smokers. Expensive inhaler. Hundreds of dollars a year I have to pay for. The steroids cause side effects like weight gain. Which leads to my favorite point smokers reply when they read or hear a smoke rant..
That smoking is equal to over eating!
The most retarded comeback.
I don't care if you smoke. I care that it makes ME sick. Overeating makes the person overeating sick, not everyone around them.
Common retort: sure overeating hurts people around them.. Like parents teaching kids to overeat. That isn't a result of over eating, that is a result of one of several things, complexity too hard to explain in one article. Briefly, I think most smokers reach for this argument trying to say how it is different from smoking without understanding it is a commonality of the issues. Any bad habit you have will be emulated by your children, and continually if you do nothing to discourage it. From working too much, eating disorders, chemical vices, to nail biting. Overeating and smoking are no different in this respect, however they differ in the overall effect of the habit. Differ, but both are still very detrimental to health.
This is not a discussion about which is worse for the individual, this is what is worse for the people around you health wise.
Full adults usually won't adopt overeating from hanging out with over eaters. It's not healthy for people prone to any addiction to hang out witheach other while the addiction is being satisfied. An inherent overeating or addiction disorder has to be in place, as healthy adults who are well adjusted do not usually just get hypnotized into addiction. Addiction is a monster, an illness to many.
The second retort, usually in a socialist health care system is that over eating drains as much money from the system as smoking... But is that true? Not only are the health ramifications of the smoker to be considered, but also the peripheral sicknesses from those within the area of the smoker when the smoking is taking place. Then the progeny of both. Then, most intriguingly, the effect of nicotine and other pollutants from those butts thrown haphazardly or even properly disposed of in landfill. Very interesting research is readily google-able.
My point, also, has nothing to do with righteousness on my part. I do many polluting things, as most of us do, I have vices, I am fallible and inconsistent at times. My point, which usually is twisted in conversation due to angry people, is that: I am tired of having to go out of my way to avoid on a daily basis smoke that could be fatal or at the very least terrifying and extremely uncomfortable.. Either way I experience side effects from the med I have to take daily due to it.
Wouldn't you be mad? Or would you take it up the butt (pun intended) so as not to upset the crankiest demographic? Well maybe second.. I won't be drawing any religious cartoons any time soon.
Also, the point is that I am not for abolishing smoking.. I actually think there should still be smoking areas for those who smoke. Smart areas that are contained and properly furnished for comfort. I am also for smoking bars, where all people including serving staff and management are fine with it.
Anyways I know this entry lacks cohesion but I have to write in sessions as not to worsen my condition. Frustrating, but tolerable indeed.