After downloading and giving advice on the newish app Opinionaided, a great deal of men drew my attention to a problem so many men seem to face: How do you find, woo, and keep a worthwhile woman?
Qualifications: I have been a woman for 30 years, my job includes but is not limited to counselling men and women about relationship problems, I have known many women and men in my life too and have had extensive relationship experience. And I am crazy about learning.. Including the human struggle to find and keep and please a mate.
Note: I think any human being is qualified to give their opinion/advice on such a topic as we are all humans and therefore experts in the human condition in some way. Take any advice you get from amateurs or professionals with hesitation and analysis.. Critical thinking and common sense must be applied to everything you read anywhere.
What is a worthwhile woman? A woman who takes dating and love serious enough not to be flippant, and does not take it too serious enough to be crazed and desperate. A woman who can love and has the capacity to overcome or at least take on the dangers of opening themselves up to love. A woman who is brave enough to open herself to trust but wise enough to know when not to. A woman capable of commitment, tenderness, compassion, understanding, and humor. This does not by any means suggest that she should be obedient or blindly servile.. That is not a good thing. Usually those women are hurt and need healing. That does not mean she is not worthwhile, however, it means you cannot be a lazy man that takes advantage or her pain. A worthwhile woman should be able to spot a worthwhile man.. With the qualities I listed for the worthwhile woman. Worthwhile is sexless, all encompassing.
Flippant: someone who doesn't take you seriously in love is probably closed hearted and might end up cheating or just plain lose interest or you will do that to her. One must be cautious of flippancy but not mistake it for a frivolous sense of humor, or faking flippancy. How do you tell the difference? Ask. Do you take our relationship seriously? Honesty and outright clarity will not phase a worthwhile woman but improve her respect and intimacy with the worthwhile man. If your girl freaks out, do be patient and let her think about the question for a day. She may have her reasons, and the worthwhile ones will explain them if you ask what they are. What are your true reasons for not taking it seriously? Could it be fear that I do not? Could it be fear that our relationship will fail? Could it be history clouding your thoughts? Tell me about it? These questions may not only clear things up and confirm a worthwhile mate, but also bring you closer together in that communication and honesty. Keep the questions away from padding or fancy vocabulary as basic will ring true of genuine motive.
Desperation: people can get desperate, even the worthwhile woman and man. Don't judge too quickly, take your time and ask questions. Sometimes, however, desperation can be a sign of needy, clingy, controlling, manipulative and dangerous behavior. One way to find out if the desperation is bad is by taking your time in the relationship from the first moment.. A desperate yet sane and perhaps worthwhile partner will be okay with that. Bad desperates will get worse over time. Don't commit to any labels until you are sure she is not dangerous. The worthwhile woman will become clear if you say outright: you seem a bit desperate and that unsettles me, I really like you but want to know if you like me for who I am and not just a warm body or hobby. She may be upset or mad, fuming perhaps, but stated without sass and with kindness and honesty: she will understand your concerns and perhaps even benefit from such a query into her motives and outward appearance. Personally when my beloved poses me with criticisms I adore his way. It is not mean or teasing, he is genuinely concerned or thinks I could do better than the status quo. Our honesty brings us closer and we benefit from being checked by eachother. The key to this is honesty, no attitude, and genuine desire for your mate to improve for their sakes.
The bad desperate will probably get MORE desperate and angrier as time goes by. She is not a bad person but is experiencing a bad time in her life - men and women go through desperate phases in their lives - it's a reaction to trauma. But it's not a good time to start heavily committing. If you feel the bad desperate person is worth it, help them with their pain but keep them at a distance! Take it very slow. If this is a person's only issue that bothers you, everything else is good and you really are feelin' it.. Work through it with the person but make sure that you don't do all the work.
Where Should You Go?
Where would such a woman be? That depends on your tastes. Personally I find dating sites will offer a larger selection than just going out. But it is a crap shoot too.. You could meet Her almost anywhere and at almost any time. I want to put a thinking process to work here.
1. Think of the type of woman that excites you. Are you looking for a sportive or sedentary relationship? Are you into goths or maybe classic women? Are you into big girls, skinny girls, short girls, tall girls, tomboys, girly girls, babydoll girls, dancers, clubbers (dance that is), philanthropic girls, mean girls, etc? Each "fishing spot" can be related to each girl type. The Fishing Spot reveals much about the person. Or hunting grounds, as I enjoyed calling it ;)
Think about the places you have already tried. Three of them for this exercise then answer the following: (example to follow)
1. What type of place is this?
2. What activities take place?
3. Stereotypically who goes there?
4. Why would someone want to go to this place?
5. What is the environment like?
6. What vices are apparent there?
7. What hours do you want to go and what is peak time?
8. Do you fit into the "scene"?
9. Is it a good fun place even without meeting someone?
Example 1: Jake
Jake is a large sportsloving bear of a man who loves his opposite like so many of us do. He wants to find a petite feminine woman, sweet and funny, talkative and considerate with a timid side and also a homebody. He is going to examine his "fishing spot". His name and the name of the establishment have been changed.
Place one: Don's Sports Bar and Poolhall
1. A sports bar, pool hall, and local drinking hole.
2. A place to play pool and darts and the occassional arcade tournament on Deer Hunter or Drivin' USA. The bar is substantial and there are six tv's constantly on sports. There is a trivia game socially played.
3. Sports fan, local drinkers and socializers, friends together for the sports and games, heavy drinkers during the entire day, late night partiers, and of course random bar fans.
4. To play games, watch sports, meet people, drink, socialize, etc.
5. Dark, loud, occassional screams of joy or horror, oak furniture, dim pool lights, a mix of games depending on the night, smells like beer and peanuts, relaxed, and down to earth. Trophies and pictures on the wall. Open concept.
6. Drinking, outside smoking, gambling. Overeating on wings and other yummy bar food. Salty.
7. He visits during the day at four to five, and during the evening from nine to two in the morning. Special game nights.
8. Most of the time, Jake is tired of the bar scene but is also tired of being single. He would prefer a change.
9. He forces himself on most nights but still loves to see sports on a better tv. Drinks to make it more interesting but otherwise doesn't overdo it. Trivia has lost its magic but arcade still is okay.
So after answering these questions, Jake then analyzed if that fits with what he wants. Separate the traits, work with stereotypes as most people do and will gravitate towards their roles.. Most times in order to find who they want.
1. Does the place fit your personality? Not quiet but a little. He is a fun guy who likes sports and games, but it is too dark and normal for that part of him who wants something new. Jake isn't some stereotypical pidegeon-hole-able man, not two dimensional. But working on advertising a part of himself is a good step. So this place does fit a part of him. What to take away from this: not the ideal representation, but on occasion. This could be an occasional fishing spot.
2. Does this place flatter your better side? Not so much, although his skills at pool and darts has been known to turn a head. Takeaway: occasionally good.
3. Would your ideal stereotype spend a lot of time here? Not really, Jake replied, but she could stop by on rare occasion. Would she be impressed with you being in this place? Not overly. Maybe slightly amused by his skills. takeaway: occasional, rarely.
4. Does this place offer a high probability of exposing you to your ideal mate? Probably not.
So where, then, should Jake go to have a high probability of finding Her? A place that suits her style. Suits that kind of woman.
I want to impress upon any reader that stereotypes are only for the purpose of probability. Common sense is your best fool in the tackle box of ideal mate fishing. You navigate in a three dimensional world using two dimensional tools, but you need to use common sense to go the rest of the way, otherwise you get a two dimensional girl. Use a gps but keep your eyes on the road and signs.
Back to the road. So where would a feminine, sweet, verbose and funny homebody be?
Firstly, at home. Homebodies will hunt in the internet, when they HAVE to go out, and special occasions. Rarely will they go out on a daily basis. So right there your odds hurt, especially in places unlike their comfort zone. You will primarily use internet, dating sites. You will put a lot of time into this and at times you will want to give up.. But keep at it.
Homebody or Shut-In?
Some homebodies are reclusive people, sometimes anti social, sometimes phobic of wide space or cramped crowds. This might be a big problem, so probe this out quickly! Sometimes it is not a choice, sometimes it is. Don't blatantly come out and ask if the woman is a shut in.. Be tactful, tact being a major skill for attracting women. If you need a mate who is social and city loving, you need to filter people out of the mix.. However borderline reclusive folks can sometimes be swayed back into the social world through slow steps. Point being, if you love her enough.. Compromises can be made. Dealbreakers come later, this article is about finding Her.
There are obvious places we all need to go, and this can prove to be a wonderful way to meet people if you have enough bravery. Places like: grocery store, gas station, dentist's office, hardware store, bus-train-subway stations, corner stores, post office, malls, etc. Why bravery? Well when you go to these places they are not always places that create pick-up situations. You also know very little about them and stalking them around the store to observe them for clues is damned creepy. Some girls like creepy, most do not. You will need to be brave, casual, and cute.
Cuteness is the opposite of creepy!
You might think jokes and humor aren't creepy but they certainly can be the utmost disturbing moments. Cute, on the other hand, is usually a safe bet.
This article is about meeting Her, getting a chance to see her. Following articles will outline the next steps. This serves as only a tip-of-the-iceberg starter article. Although it is long and perhaps not as concise and clean as I would like, I did promise my male friends this a week ago :s
I will write asap on the continuation of where and how to meet Her, and the conclusion of Jake's story.. Juicy!!!! Thanks for your patience guys, I hope this tickles your fancy and I promise more sultry slings for you soon.
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