WHEN!?
I have been practically bed ridden this week, I feel horrible. Each time I think I've experienced Hell, I regret thinking so - because it gets worse.. and worse.. and worse.
I'm pretty useless during these times, and it pains me to see Gordie playing, and I can't play with him much.. just a few minutes, then I'm sick and dizzy.
So much pain! I never thought I could tolerate this much! It makes me shake and sweat and really sick.
That is my update :)
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Breath and breadth
Ooooh gosh. So sick. Can't stand it! I feel closer to knowing the full definition of physical hell every minute. I had a pretty bad asthma attack today for no good reason. My lungs decided to close up shop for a good minute, then spasmed for the rest of the day. When I mean closed up shop, I mean I could not breathe at all. Not a mite. Open mouthed and wide eyed, I fall into full panic. No thoughts, not even fear. You're clear during these times - breathe!
I tried to relax, relax.. my nails dug into the couch, my back and chest were infested with insects of pain and fire and panic. From the bottom of my chest to the top of my back, the pain is so intense. The pain! There needs to be a new name for that kind of pain! Sweat pours out of me, so much to soak through my tshirt in a couple of minutes, like I've been swimming laps or running up a hill in full Summer heat. Then, there it is, a breath, a single breath - my eyes pour out tears, Alice's tears that fill up and threaten to drown one's dignity. I cry and sob, knowing that my lungs could have decided not to open up. They could have stayed closed, how about that? Ha-ha (Nelson laugh) to my enemies!
On top of a friggin asthma attack from Painland, my pain's generally been worse, I think I have an ear infection, and a stomach bug of some sort. I hate stomach bugs. Intestinal bugs, fine, but leave my goddamn stomach alone.. it's where the goddamn pills go!! So tired.
But, as there always is a but in such sad posts, I'm okay. I'm hopeful, I'm still burning that inner flame brightly. All this pain and I'm still okay, that means something. I'm not brilliant and
hop-skipping down the street, but I'm okay, and that's fine. We can't be greedy with our expectations, that's a might sweet way of getting yourself laid by Unmet Expectations, and getting preggers with Grumpiness. I hate leaving posts sounding like I'm giving up or that I'm beaten, and whatever foe I fight has won. Ha! Whatever. The callouses (sp, why isn't this in the spell checker??) on my soul are growing thicker, and I can get closer to the fire each time.
More like it makes me stronger. Every time the pain gets worse, it's like I get sent down into this deep hole for a few hours - hours of exasperation and anger and frustration and fear.. and then when I emerge, I'm okay. This doesn't come by itself. I usually meditate, read something inspiration, watch something inspirational, create art, play games, call friends, talk to family, hug, and a long list that I can't possibly write out.
Momentum must be started, that first domino falling, in order to dig out of the deep pity holes we have. It won't just come from the sky and rain down glory and candy when I'm down, so it's time to get spunky, creative, and time to stick up your chin and leave a big fat flaming bag of dog poop to the wardens of the pity cage. They sure can beat the hell out of you, but once your resolve comes in with a cake (baked in is an iron file of course), they're screwed ;)
-The picture is one I took yesterday, it's of a flower in my butterfly garden.
I tried to relax, relax.. my nails dug into the couch, my back and chest were infested with insects of pain and fire and panic. From the bottom of my chest to the top of my back, the pain is so intense. The pain! There needs to be a new name for that kind of pain! Sweat pours out of me, so much to soak through my tshirt in a couple of minutes, like I've been swimming laps or running up a hill in full Summer heat. Then, there it is, a breath, a single breath - my eyes pour out tears, Alice's tears that fill up and threaten to drown one's dignity. I cry and sob, knowing that my lungs could have decided not to open up. They could have stayed closed, how about that? Ha-ha (Nelson laugh) to my enemies!
On top of a friggin asthma attack from Painland, my pain's generally been worse, I think I have an ear infection, and a stomach bug of some sort. I hate stomach bugs. Intestinal bugs, fine, but leave my goddamn stomach alone.. it's where the goddamn pills go!! So tired.
But, as there always is a but in such sad posts, I'm okay. I'm hopeful, I'm still burning that inner flame brightly. All this pain and I'm still okay, that means something. I'm not brilliant and
hop-skipping down the street, but I'm okay, and that's fine. We can't be greedy with our expectations, that's a might sweet way of getting yourself laid by Unmet Expectations, and getting preggers with Grumpiness. I hate leaving posts sounding like I'm giving up or that I'm beaten, and whatever foe I fight has won. Ha! Whatever. The callouses (sp, why isn't this in the spell checker??) on my soul are growing thicker, and I can get closer to the fire each time.More like it makes me stronger. Every time the pain gets worse, it's like I get sent down into this deep hole for a few hours - hours of exasperation and anger and frustration and fear.. and then when I emerge, I'm okay. This doesn't come by itself. I usually meditate, read something inspiration, watch something inspirational, create art, play games, call friends, talk to family, hug, and a long list that I can't possibly write out.
Momentum must be started, that first domino falling, in order to dig out of the deep pity holes we have. It won't just come from the sky and rain down glory and candy when I'm down, so it's time to get spunky, creative, and time to stick up your chin and leave a big fat flaming bag of dog poop to the wardens of the pity cage. They sure can beat the hell out of you, but once your resolve comes in with a cake (baked in is an iron file of course), they're screwed ;)
-The picture is one I took yesterday, it's of a flower in my butterfly garden.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Tricks and the Tricky
Gordon and I are learning to speak eachothers' language. I am reading a couple of books and several articles on canine "language" - and I am training Gordon to understand a few of my words. I'm quite silly, naming everything off to him, but I really hope that through this we can both understand eachother in a satisfactory manner..
To date, Gordie knows these words, or at least I think he does: Sit, Lay Down (bit of trouble with that one), Shake a Paw (useful not only for cuteness but grooming purposes), Look (pay attention), banana (he has a squeek toy), Moogurt (his puppet), Cecil (his celery squeak toy!), Kong (another toy), Up, No, Yes, Good Boy, Bad Boy (we call him Carpet Shark.. he likes to bite due to his teething), Mom, Dad, Emilie, Hello (greeting for kisses!), Mouse (a toy he broke tonight, which broke his heart, poor dear), and treats for training purposes. I'm sure he knows more words than that, but those are the words he responds to. "No biting" is on the top of my list.
To date, I have learned a few things about dogs: Dominance and Submission are big in the canine world - looking into their eyes, petting them on the shoulders, giving them food, etc (many more but I am tired) - are all ways that say, "I'm Higher Up than You!". Dogs show signs of nervousness, frustration, fear, and anger (doggy emotions I think are different from human emotions, but I will put my inadequate lables on for the purpose of this post) when you do too many of these, although they appreciate knowing that you are there to protect and take care of them. Dogs have an innate ability to communicate through smells, body language, sounds, behaviors.. Did you know that dogs "Split" up fighting dogs to keep the peace? I didn't. I'm too tired to write everything down that I've learned, but point being - I'm doing my bit too, in order to understand my fluffy cloudlamb carpet shark better ;)
To date, Gordie knows these words, or at least I think he does: Sit, Lay Down (bit of trouble with that one), Shake a Paw (useful not only for cuteness but grooming purposes), Look (pay attention), banana (he has a squeek toy), Moogurt (his puppet), Cecil (his celery squeak toy!), Kong (another toy), Up, No, Yes, Good Boy, Bad Boy (we call him Carpet Shark.. he likes to bite due to his teething), Mom, Dad, Emilie, Hello (greeting for kisses!), Mouse (a toy he broke tonight, which broke his heart, poor dear), and treats for training purposes. I'm sure he knows more words than that, but those are the words he responds to. "No biting" is on the top of my list.
To date, I have learned a few things about dogs: Dominance and Submission are big in the canine world - looking into their eyes, petting them on the shoulders, giving them food, etc (many more but I am tired) - are all ways that say, "I'm Higher Up than You!". Dogs show signs of nervousness, frustration, fear, and anger (doggy emotions I think are different from human emotions, but I will put my inadequate lables on for the purpose of this post) when you do too many of these, although they appreciate knowing that you are there to protect and take care of them. Dogs have an innate ability to communicate through smells, body language, sounds, behaviors.. Did you know that dogs "Split" up fighting dogs to keep the peace? I didn't. I'm too tired to write everything down that I've learned, but point being - I'm doing my bit too, in order to understand my fluffy cloudlamb carpet shark better ;)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)