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Wednesday, December 20, 2006


I feel rather discouraged in relationships today. Like somehow the world of dating is just not meant for me. How'd you like to be the guy that turned someone off dating.. lol. Not even the guy who grabbed my boobs in the Ottawa art gallery turned me off dating. I guess this might just be the straw that broke the camel's back. My need to hump and kiss and cuddle and feel romantic love is just not as strong as my need for emotional and physical self preservation.

Is choosing to be celibate the ultimate freedom? You can go out when you want, do what you want when you want.. no responsibilities, no fights, no friction.. no trying to please someone constantly... no worrying if they're cheating on you - or if some slutty sly girl is gunning for your man... no waiting to go to bed, no sharing a bed or blankets, no worrying about farting or snoring when you sleep, no worrying about if your legs are shaved or not, no worrying about when and how he's going to say I love you for the first time... or when he'll propose (I've only been in one relationship where I wondered that.. the rest I knew were not the marrying kind).. no stupid friends you hate of his.. no friends poisoning them with their "advice"... no complaining about if you're showing enough love or too much - am I too clingy? Does he hate me? Is he using me? Is this some big prank someone's setting up just to see me break into little pieces.. well those last three are probably a product of paranoia - which is a product of so many fucked up relationships.

Would being permanently single be such a bad thing? Or would millions of married folk pray to be in your shoes?

Who knows.. Maybe I am just not attractive as a mate. Maybe I am Em the friend, the fuck, your distraction, your temporary plaything.. the plan B in case you can't find Miss Right. I dislike that notion, but I still can wonder it, can't I?

I need to get my thoughts out, my anger at the men who've hurt me all these years. 11 years of dating.. a long time to be disappointed over and over again. Maybe you've done it more years. Of course, the promise of true love is always a good lure. A cruel lure.

Maybe my heart's still open. Maybe I still believe things can work out in my romantic life. I've lost touch, trying to stay happy - keep my head and heart above the dangerous and caustic waters of depression. I sit myself down each time I get depressed, read a book on Buddhism or Yoga or happiness.. or I talk myself up for a good 10 minutes.. it helps. My head goes under water a few times a day, but I will find that island where I can relax away from the threat of depression. Maybe Christmas will cheer me up. Don't you just love that picture of the cat?

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