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Friday, May 11, 2007

Fibro Awareness Day (May 12th) Entry #1

~If you have fibro, I suggest searching YouTube for Fibromyalgia, ME, CFS, FMS... there are some really amazing videos out there.~

I'm pooped - Emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. (breaktime-back!) I'm trying to stay positive, but the pain is worse than ever. Yesterday my teeth felt like they were burrowing needles into my gums.. the pain was so intense and so unrelenting, I hate this disease with a passion. Today I can't sit up for more than 5 minutes without my back feeling like it's been beaten for a few hours. My eyes are blurring all the time, sometimes I can't see the computer screen without leaning forward and squinting hard. Sometimes I hallucinate so much I just close my eyes and lay in bed, watching the images painted on the insides of my eyelids. The anxiety is the worst it's been in years. I'm so scared, so paranoid, so terrified of the future. Feels like I'm always being hunted, stalked, watched, judged, targeted by some unknown that I know is irrational. I am paranoid about everyone, even my family. I know it's stupid, but my brain's nooks and crannies don't seem to. I meditate, but my fatigue gets the best of me and I just pass out for a few minutes. I'm so sleepy. I need good sleep. The first thought in the morning is about the pain that woke me up, screaming to get help - but no one can help. I want to get a massage again, but my pain is too bad. The slightest touch lingers on my skin with a bruising burning pain. I want human touch, but it hurts way too much. Constantly thinking people are out to get me.. worse since I've started to walk outside due to the good weather.. people seem to need to call me fat.. like they can't resist it. OCD? Who knows. The last thought before bed? Please God, let me sleep. Let me get more than an hour, let me be able to get to sleep without self hypnosis and a handful of pills. I don't want to count backwards from 1000 and then back again a good ten or fifteen times before I either drift off into sleep or give up and watch TV while trying to calm my anger down. Insomnia makes me angry. People are always judging.. she's not sick, she's a fat lazy leech on society. She's lying, exaggerating. Why won't she stop complaining? It can't be that bad or she'd off herself.

The shrinks who did my psych eval said I'm not "depressed". Does thinking constantly about how terrified you are about life have a name? Does it have a name when thinking of death makes you smile? One day it'll all be over. One day you'll be free. One day you won't have to hurt, be sick, be judged, be a burden, be a leech. Even if there is no heaven, even if I've hallucinated all my dreams of heaven being real, I'd be free of constant pain.. constant torture. There is no way to make the torturer stop... I can't tell him the truth, there is no ransom, there is no end of the war.. there's only pain till death.

But they'll find a cure... they say. Maybe, and I have so many hours of prayer and hope that one day they'll cure us. They'll cure us instead of laugh and judge.. they'll stop Death from being a comfort, and turn life into a comfort.

I'm being broken down block by block, my personality is fading, my mind is slowly obsessing over how to stop the pain, and I feel more and more like Alice down the rabbit hole - only I'll never reach the bottom. I fall and fall, reality becoming a fable... losing my sight, my hearing sharpens to pain me, every touch painful.. I forget what pleasure feels like.. Hold on, hold on.. don't let go of yourself. I'll never let go. Are these pills making me worse or better?

My life has become simple. Struggle to sleep, deal with pain all day, try not to binge(food), pills pills pills, panic, sadness. Luckily there's also: Family, friends, my Gordon, art, music, short walks when I can, occasional shopping, and Guild Wars.

Will I continue to progressively get worse, as I have over this decade? That thought I try to banish when it arises. I hate being serious. Pain makes you more serious. I wish I could have a holiday.

Chins up, my FMS/CFS/ME friends. One way or another, it'll get better.

1 comment:

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