GRAPE AND PILLAGE!

(Huge Update Post)

Bike Ride

Oh the fun of freedom on three wheels.. Like the ladybug? That's my bell. Today I went on a long (long for me) bike ride by the Ottawa river. I want to get as much bike time as possible before the damnable snow puts a stop to my peddalry. Then I want snowshoes, so I can get wicked photos of beasts at their most winterized. Fluffy. This photo was taken halfway thru my ride.

Weight Loss progress

Yay I lost two pounds this week! Right now I'm doing behavioral conditioning to get me in touch with my non-pill-induced appetite. Harder than it sounds. Although I think this will be The Way to losing weight permanently. I can see myself doing this method every single day of my life and not getting tired of it.. Most diets are a huge pain in the ass.. but this isn't a diet. It's like you're using a computer and you don't know about a core utility program.. like specialized alarms.. this diet-changing method teaches you about the appetite alarm in your stomach... the one which many people (including myself) have learned to ignore. Now I actually FEEL hungry, and can tell the difference between psychological and physical hunger. Huge diff. So now, instead of relying on writing down all calories and all foods - this neat little notification program tells me when to start and stop eating to maintain a proper weight. Nifty. Some people are born knowing where this program is, of course.

Grape and Pill-age

Speaking of pills, I am having a party this weekend with some close friends - and of course I had to run out of painkillers. I have the hardcore twice-a-day controlled release pills, but not the "I NEED RELIEF NOW" pills. I have to stay away from alcohol, my normal method of replacing painkillers.. so basically I'm trying to use my TENS machine more and trying to meditate (I practice Raja Yoga routine, because one fuck up and I'm in big trouble. Emergency clinics don't prescribe Em-Strength painkillers. They prescribe crap like Codeine sometimes, low dose and high itch factor, just like straight Morphine. meditation) as much as possible. I'm paying more attention to my regular HathaOooh but I still like Morphine. Codeine metabolises into Morphine, but for some reason, it doesn't really tickle my fancy. Hurts my tummy more than Morphine. I'm on different pills that I'd rather not broadcast. They are the freedom givers. They free up some RAM for me, which is taken up by randomized pain-to-psyche distraction. A very temporary defrag.. but worth it.

People and Pain

Certain people lower pain... just by talking to them or being around them (etc). Mainly my Mom, my 2 close girlfriends, and a new Manfriend of mine is really quite good at it! - but one cannot rely on others... for a few good reasons... A) they can die B) they can decide they don't want you in their life C) they might get sick of being around you.. hehehe. I don't see my girlfriends as often as I'd like.. and my platonic guy friends.. wink wink.. come on guys, take me out!!!

Doggy and Pain

Of course Gordon helps a lot. Just looking at him and being around him makes me swoon with puppy love!! I groom him, train him, and play with him every day... and in my pain database, which I enter data in daily to track pain and other issues, I refer to my time with him as "PT" - puppy therapy.

Database and Research - Almost reaching the year mark!!

Yup, I have a database for my ails. Right now it's just a shitty spreadsheet, but I'm working on making a better database. I've had it for almost a year, so soon I will be able to work with the data and do something constructive with it. I've already tracked some very important patterns, which I will submit to various research organizations for Fibro, Endo, and CFS. New data, I think, as I am usually up to date on the latest published research in those fields. You can't rely on doctors to help you, Fibrofolks, Endofolks, and CFSfolks.. nope. Get researching, get reading.. I know it's hard at times, but it's worth it. BTW, I also like to make graphs.. hehehe pie charts, bar charts.. 3D even.. of course this takes me a shit load of time since I'm foggy in the head. I'll publish some here when I'm done sending it to the proper research institutes.

Electro-Goodness

My TENS machine was finally approved to be covered by the red-tape-beauties at Essential Health Services!! I was paying 51$ a month for the other one.. Hard decisions had to be made in my budget to incorporate this expense. Now I can go back to massages, and daily vitamins. Frigg, vitamins and supplements seem to be rising in price. I have a 1/2 cup of pills to take each day, including vitamins, painkillers, other supplements, etc. Isn't that funky? For the past two months I've cut on the vitamins and other supplements, so it comes to a 1/4 cup... but I've been feelings like crapola in certain areas. Some of the supplements I take: Spirulina, Multivitamin, extra Chromium, extra B vitamins, MSM, Omega 3-6-9, extra Calcium, etc. Why the extra? Well two main reasons 1) some of the pills I take eat essential nutrients 2) some experts call for more than the norm in terms of nutrients.

So that's the update. I have lots more to say.. but some of it is private and will only be shared with the proper females in my life!! And other stuff is still to come. I'm doing well, getting better inch by inch, am more happy than usual, and that's that! :) Thanks for reading this huge update ;)

Quantum Spirituality #2

Here are some definitions/etymologies before I start blabbering:

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Quantum - from the Latin of the same spelling for "How Great" (could be a question, "how much?" or exclamation, "how great!!" or in speaking of currency (quanti) "how much does it cost?" Introduced by Mark Planck in 1900, popularized by Einstein.
1 a : QUANTITY, AMOUNT b : PORTION, PART c : gross quantity : BULK
2 a : any of the very small increments or parcels into which many forms of energy are subdivided b : any of the small subdivisions of a quantized physical magnitude (as magnetic moment)

Spirituality - from the Latin "Spiritus" for inhalation, breathing, spirit, pride or confidence, spirits (as in, "he was in high spirits")
1 : something that in ecclesiastical law belongs to the church or to a cleric as such
2 : CLERGY
3 : sensitivity or attachment to religious values
4 : the quality or state of being spiritual

Mysticism - from the Greek "Mystikos" meaning the arcane, secret, occult, hidden. "Mystes" for "One who has been initiated".
1 : the experience of mystical union or direct communion with ultimate reality reported by mystics
2 : the belief that direct knowledge of God, spiritual truth, or ultimate reality can be attained through subjective experience (as intuition or insight)
3 a : vague speculation : a belief without sound basis b : a theory postulating the possibility of direct and intuitive acquisition of ineffable knowledge or power


Quantum Mysticism: Margaret Wertheim is the most documented of popularizers of this phrase. New Agers finding spiritual meaning in Science, sometimes bending the rules to suit their own aims. The Kaballah, Hinduism, Tarot, and several other religions (yes Tarot is a religion in my humbly vain opinion) are proposed to be metaphors for modern day Physics of all kinds. I have to agree that they all have multi-faceted interpretations, which could indeed be rudimentary (at least) in explaining certain higher concepts than meets the eye.

Quantum Mind - I haven't been able to find who coined this term.. let me know if any of you find it.

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Now, some concepts....

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To save time, I'm going to copy/paste one from Wikipedia, which is one of if not my favorite site of the internet. So much info.

Quantum Entanglement: "is a quantum mechanical phenomenon in which the quantum states of two or more objects have to be described with reference to each other, even though the individual objects may be spatially separated. This leads to correlations between observable physical properties of the systems.
"For example, it is possible to prepare two particles in a single quantum state such that when one is observed to be spin-up, the other one will always be observed to be spin-down and vice versa, this despite the fact that it is impossible to predict, according to quantum mechanics, which set of measurements will be observed. As a result, measurements performed on one system seem to be instantaneously influencing other systems entangled with it. Quantum entanglement does not enable the transmission of classical information faster than the speed of light." This is one of the crazy behaviors in Quantum Mechanics. One that bothers many scientists, and excites many due to the possibilities. Imagine being able to use that in communications? Forget radio signals or fiber optics.. they'll be the dog's dinner if you can harness this kind of technology. The inventor would be filthy rich. Trump who? Forget webcams baby, I'm talking to you via Atomic twins ;)

Schrodinger's Cat is a Quantum mechanics paradox. (Click on the title to read the article at Wikipedia, for the full article.) Read it! Basically, the experiment talks about the realms of the macro and microscopic meeting. Where do they meet? Is it a clear boundary? Why is the question is so important and ingenious? Well, on the atomic level, physics allegedly has different rules than the macroscopic - so where do the rules begin for one, and end for the other??

These two laws (quantum mechanics and general relativity) are at odds with each other, and yet they "work" in their respective worlds. Quantum Mechanics adds up in the microscopic, on atoms, electrons, quarks, and further down that funnel of the gargatuanly tiny: General Relativity adds up in the macroscopic, on planets, galaxies, and local galactic groups.. etc all the way up that mountain of the mind shrinkingly large. Which is right? Are they both right, and if so, how? Again, thinking of said kitty cat, where do they end and where do they begin? What happens in that No-Man's-Land/Neutral Zone? Or should I say the Twilight Zone.. lol.

Through these thoughts, these contemplations, I am obviously not qualified to honestly be able to think them through. I'd love to be able to. I look forward to getting a bit better and not having to stop every 10 minutes to wait for the fibro fog to clear up - or having to rest my muscles. But there's still some life in my sweet brain, and I intend to keep it that way.

I find that thinking these paradoxical matters over, thinking what lays in waiting for us to discovery, gives me hope and grows the grey matter a little. Just reading about it makes me feel fresher in the brain.

So how does this tie into spirituality? Okay, well in many ways. So many ways this will be an ongoing post collection. I've tagged it "Quantum Spirituality Ramble" for anyone who's interested in following it.

First of all, reading through articles, books, websites, listening to documentaries and podcasts, etc - I feel, and I'm sure you will too, as though there are infinite possibilities. I'm not just talking about the dimensional theory that everything that can happen does happen in different dimensions.. I'm talking about the feeling that comes from understanding how little we know. And the stuff we do know, well, some of it is really wild and out there. Not many of us have access to the genius knowledge that some of these people can understand, not me (at least not yet, I'm always trying to understand an iota here and there, to combine into some kind of layman's knowledge when I'm 89 years old) . And even those who do, I'm sure most of the wisest say they don't know much. Theories upon theories.

So what's to say what's impossible? Are ghosts impossible because everyone in your family says so? Or that scientist on the documentary you've just watched? Are psychics impossible because some group of dubious scientists says it's impossible. Many shows and books I've read on skeptical scientists proving psychics wrong have horrible control groups, horrible tests, and an even more horrible bias.

I'm not saying it's 100% positively true, but I've seen enough to make myself doubt more that it's not true.

I'm also displeased with the other side of the coin, who says psychics are 100% real, and ghosts are 100% real in the traditional meaning of both words. Why? Well, truly, beyond hard science like math and other sciences that "Add up" all the time, we don't know. Mediums like myself could be extremely tapped into a nonlinear space-time, and not talking to ghosts but actually sensing the echoes that flip through time or even dimensions. Other dimensions are believed to exist, taken as a given, by many scientists. Maybe I do not speak to ghosts, but the intersection of another time or dimension. Maybe that is how I see others' futures. Perhaps it's a part of our brains we don't yet understand, a receptive organ we haven't yet identified as such. Deja-Vu could be a spasm of said organ. And like language, perhaps if we do not use it at the appropriate formative age, we lose the ability to fully use it. Maybe something more is happening, something larger.

Perhaps on the twilight zone level between the micro and the macro resides that dimensional rift?

None of these thoughts, probably, are original. I have thought them out myself, yes, but I am sure many people have already thought this way. Therein comes Quantum Mysticism. Where I say maybe, some (not all Quantum Mystics, I'm talking about a portion of that demographic) people say "certainly." So some silly scientist say that mediums have an extra organ to feel out alternate dimensions. They don't need proof, they know. I hate that!! They really put a kink in the real spiritualists.

Spirituality isn't about knowing, it's about feeling and wondering and experiencing things without proof. Spirituality then leads to inspiration to delve into these matters. Spirituality itself means inspiration, and inspiration is breathing - breathing in the matter and antimatter of the universe - and becoming one with all. It's not religion, it's searching and believing in unstructured areas, untrodden paths. It's being blind and feeling out the furniture in a never ending room, the room being our universe. We don't know for sure what's there, but we can feel out boundaries, textures, temperature, etc.. and each of us might sense furniture in different ways.

Science is the light, but right now we only have a candle in the center and a little to the left of the room. One day we might have a candelabra lit, or hopefully a spotlight will blaze one day before our demise.. wouldn't that be grand? Scientists feel out in their blindness a little bit, but they would rather use the candle and get all the information about that small area. I like that approach, but I prefer to feel out and deduce what I can.. and then ask the scientist what they've learned. Perhaps spiritualists can inspire them with theories, to get them to move their candle slightly to the right, and down a bit.

Just the fact that I don't know what lurks in the room excites me. I want to freely explore, and take notes. I want to talk to others, like I am now, and share with them my thoughts. Compare notes.

Why are we in this room? How big is it? Why isn't there more light? What do we keep bumping into three steps from the candle?

Do you like to stare into the lit part of the room, or glare into the darkness?

Does the light or dark frighten you more?

See you next post. Time for me to get back to bed!


- Thanks to the online Etymology Dictionary, and my handy dandy Latin-English dictionary, as well as Merriam-Webster's Online dictionary.

This post and all posts are (c) Copyright 2006 Emilie L.

Quantum Spirituality, Vanilla Addition, and Sexy Science #1

Today I was trying to explain how an earlier interest in atoms opened up a vast spiritual pathway to me, and I found myself unable to vocalize it. Probably the nervousness, probably the weather, probably the pills.. but I just was not able to put it out through my mouth. This is not a rare thing in Emland.. no... I am much better at wording.

At a young age, I don't remember where, I was introduced to certain atomic theories. Like the concept that no one, nothing, ever really touches. Like the concept that most of the universe is space and not matter.. including you. Like the concept that we're all a matrix of subatomic matter, all interconnected, and all the same thing..

Take the first and last paragraph of this post. They are separate, but linked in the pixel matrix on your screen. Unless you need to change your monitor.. lol. Every pixel is connected to the matrix.. and this is on a two dimensional level. We're allegedly connected in three dimensions, some believe in more dimensions, and I agree, than just X, Y, and Z.

Recently I've seen a docudrama that explained a lot of this really well - What the Bleep Do we Know? which really summed up many of my feelings on the universe quite well. Although there's a lot of new age stuff in there that shaves off some of the science.. so if you don't have an imagination.. don't rent. lol. There are a lot of new age spiritualists that show off their theories, and I think they're worth thinking about and not quickly dismissing. Don't take the new age stuff to heart, just the theory if you're all science. I, however, am not all science.

I am a great believer in attitude. The world is 90% attitude, and 10% reality. So, how you look at things determines how you react to things. I once had a guy tell me that my spiritual way of thinking was fine, but he relies on the facts that science gives. He thought that my life was based too much on my imagination and intuition, and that I needed to face science. A fair estimate for someone who didn't know me well, but personally - I face science a lot.

I love the way science adds depth to the smallest molecule, how it delves into the empirical data and finds patterns.. develops theories.. but much of science is theoretical (that I love too). Math I love, 1+1 = 2 is a comfort. I love math puzzles, as long as I'm alone and not nervous. A universal security blanket. It's our linen sheets, milk chocolate, white picket fence, and vanilla ice cream. The answers are universal. But get into talking about Atoms, Photons, Dark Matter, Singularities, or exactly what animates us beyond the tangible - and you get theories for the most part. THAT part of science is exotic, that neighborhood couple who experiment with swing parties, smoke pot, and paint their house pink. Radical! Experimental! An unexplored area of our universe. That's the spirit I feel when I ask myself about the paradoxical existence of a universe (ie. what is outside our universe, and outside that? How can something create a universe?). I wish I had a thousand brains to work on that problem. Chicken/Egg dilemma basically. That is spirituality to me. Thinking beyond the body, way beyond, and self actualizing to the point of no return ... the Rubicon for me was the Atom.

I am also a believer in a nonlinear time sphere. I am NOT a believer in time travel, but I AM a believer in multiple dimensions - (thinking of tesseracts fascinate me!) and I am still working on my opinion concerning infinite possibility - (you know, every choice possibly made has been made, and each eventuality had its own dimension) - and I believe that these dimensions, like X and Y and Z - connect at certain "points".

Moreover, I believe I know just a grain of sand in comparison to nine billion light years about the universe.. and that goes the same for pretty much everyone. Scientists specialize, and may know more about one thing than another - or geniuses might know two grains of sand in nine billion light years.. but pretty much, we know shit in the grand scale of things. I think that is what makes life so interesting, that there are an infinite amount of frontiers for us to explore.. there'll never be a time where we know everything.

Where does the spirituality come in???

I like to think that many things are possible. I think psychic ability could be just another sense, a receptive sense that picks up on alternate dimensions or future occurrences via nonlinear time. Like an echo bouncing backwards, except the wave isn't sound - it's thought or who knows - maybe something as yet unnamed. That's one way that I explain my success. Maybe it's the fact that we're all tied into the energy matrix of all those little atoms, protons, electrons. You can't get away from atoms ;) Maybe it's something else.

more to come, I'm pooped.


Quantum Links
This is a great explanation of the Two Slit Experiment I was talking about earlier ;)

Against Many Odds

"If it is once again one against forty-eight, then I am very sorry for the forty-eight." Margaret Thatcher (a favorite lady of mine)

I'd say against all odds, but I'm trying to be reasonable - and all or nothing phrases often are unreasonable. Often but not always. Anyway, pretty much all my pills have a warning upon their little while label which pisses me off on some level:

"May cause severe weight gain."

Well duh. You could have told me that, as I struggle to stay at a reasonable weight. I'm trying harder and harder, and hopefully I'll get on a decent plateau of good behavior in order to reach my ideal weight: 176. Why 176? Well I visited this site that calculates your healthy weight according to your height, age, and sex, and it gave my BMI weight as well. The BMI is insane. Apparently Brad Pitt is obese according to traditional BMI. Ridiculous. 176. Good number. Hard when you're on 7 different pills with 7 "Severe" weight gain side effect. Frustrating to say the least. I'm lucky I'm not 300 lbs.. which is my phobic weight... I fear it more than any other phobia I have.. although I trust in myself that I will not get there, I'm just too stubborn for that.

Which is not to say that is a gross weight at all. But it is a bad weight for someone 5"8 with an illness that causes intense weakness, muscle fatigue, and sleepiness. It's hard to climb the stairs when you carry that much weight.

I'm all for big people. I like the way we look. I like the comfortable feeling of laying around on someone without feeling mostly bones. But my ideal weight is 176, and that would put me again into wearing non-plus clothing - medium/large. Weird. I have to upload this photo of me when I was skinny.. it's too funny. I have it on my magnetic board to remind me that it's possible.

So against many odds, I'm increasing my efforts to lose weight. Through the pain, I see that it's important. 176!!


The image was created by me in Terragen, copyright 2006 Emilie L. I call it "The Peaks of Imagination".

Breath and breadth

Ooooh gosh. So sick. Can't stand it! I feel closer to knowing the full definition of physical hell every minute. I had a pretty bad asthma attack today for no good reason. My lungs decided to close up shop for a good minute, then spasmed for the rest of the day. When I mean closed up shop, I mean I could not breathe at all. Not a mite. Open mouthed and wide eyed, I fall into full panic. No thoughts, not even fear. You're clear during these times - breathe!

I tried to relax, relax.. my nails dug into the couch, my back and chest were infested with insects of pain and fire and panic. From the bottom of my chest to the top of my back, the pain is so intense. The pain! There needs to be a new name for that kind of pain! Sweat pours out of me, so much to soak through my tshirt in a couple of minutes, like I've been swimming laps or running up a hill in full Summer heat. Then, there it is, a breath, a single breath - my eyes pour out tears, Alice's tears that fill up and threaten to drown one's dignity. I cry and sob, knowing that my lungs could have decided not to open up. They could have stayed closed, how about that? Ha-ha (Nelson laugh) to my enemies!

On top of a friggin asthma attack from Painland, my pain's generally been worse, I think I have an ear infection, and a stomach bug of some sort. I hate stomach bugs. Intestinal bugs, fine, but leave my goddamn stomach alone.. it's where the goddamn pills go!! So tired.

But, as there always is a but in such sad posts, I'm okay. I'm hopeful, I'm still burning that inner flame brightly. All this pain and I'm still okay, that means something. I'm not brilliant and hop-skipping down the street, but I'm okay, and that's fine. We can't be greedy with our expectations, that's a might sweet way of getting yourself laid by Unmet Expectations, and getting preggers with Grumpiness. I hate leaving posts sounding like I'm giving up or that I'm beaten, and whatever foe I fight has won. Ha! Whatever. The callouses (sp, why isn't this in the spell checker??) on my soul are growing thicker, and I can get closer to the fire each time.

More like it makes me stronger. Every time the pain gets worse, it's like I get sent down into this deep hole for a few hours - hours of exasperation and anger and frustration and fear.. and then when I emerge, I'm okay. This doesn't come by itself. I usually meditate, read something inspiration, watch something inspirational, create art, play games, call friends, talk to family, hug, and a long list that I can't possibly write out.

Momentum must be started, that first domino falling, in order to dig out of the deep pity holes we have. It won't just come from the sky and rain down glory and candy when I'm down, so it's time to get spunky, creative, and time to stick up your chin and leave a big fat flaming bag of dog poop to the wardens of the pity cage. They sure can beat the hell out of you, but once your resolve comes in with a cake (baked in is an iron file of course), they're screwed ;)

-The picture is one I took yesterday, it's of a flower in my butterfly garden.

Tricks and the Tricky

Gordon and I are learning to speak eachothers' language. I am reading a couple of books and several articles on canine "language" - and I am training Gordon to understand a few of my words. I'm quite silly, naming everything off to him, but I really hope that through this we can both understand eachother in a satisfactory manner..

To date, Gordie knows these words, or at least I think he does: Sit, Lay Down (bit of trouble with that one), Shake a Paw (useful not only for cuteness but grooming purposes), Look (pay attention), banana (he has a squeek toy), Moogurt (his puppet), Cecil (his celery squeak toy!), Kong (another toy), Up, No, Yes, Good Boy, Bad Boy (we call him Carpet Shark.. he likes to bite due to his teething), Mom, Dad, Emilie, Hello (greeting for kisses!), Mouse (a toy he broke tonight, which broke his heart, poor dear), and treats for training purposes. I'm sure he knows more words than that, but those are the words he responds to. "No biting" is on the top of my list.

To date, I have learned a few things about dogs: Dominance and Submission are big in the canine world - looking into their eyes, petting them on the shoulders, giving them food, etc (many more but I am tired) - are all ways that say, "I'm Higher Up than You!". Dogs show signs of nervousness, frustration, fear, and anger (doggy emotions I think are different from human emotions, but I will put my inadequate lables on for the purpose of this post) when you do too many of these, although they appreciate knowing that you are there to protect and take care of them. Dogs have an innate ability to communicate through smells, body language, sounds, behaviors.. Did you know that dogs "Split" up fighting dogs to keep the peace? I didn't. I'm too tired to write everything down that I've learned, but point being - I'm doing my bit too, in order to understand my fluffy cloudlamb carpet shark better ;)

Prince Gordon the Cloud Lamb - Day 1 complete!

So we've had Gordie for a day now, and last night was certainly a learning experience. He is SO active at night!! I got bitten by many a mosquito taking him out to the bathroom. But he's so sweet, I can't even get frustrated at his not wanting to sleep. Of course it was his first night, and I didn't want him to get too stressed, so I spent a lot of time with him. Tonight we're going to keep him in his lovely and spacious crate... I will try NOT to listen, my folks are going to keep an ear out, as I have the softest heart I know.

When we used to babysit my eldest nephew regularly, any cries he'd make would strike me in the heart and I'd start getting teary.. yeah I know I'd be a bad Mom!!! I get upset when babies cry, and puppies are no exception. Of course, as I was taught back in the babysitting times, I have to think about what's best in the long run, and not so much in the short run. Short run - all I want to do is cuddle with Gordie, do whatever it takes to make that tail wag or see him sleep, but long run - that kind of babying will lead to a spoiled and overly attached doggie. I must get that through my emotional skull!!!!

It was beautiful this morning at 4:30am, the Sun was coming up and hitting the whispy clouds - lightening them up like neon signs too far away to read. Me and Gordie were outside, he was going to the bathroom and I was stopping him from getting into trouble, and it was a great moment.

Painwise I see a difference in having Gordon around. I have tons of pain from all the excitement - the 4 hours in the car, the weather, lifting Gord in his crate, frequent squats to get down to pick him up or pet him, laying on the floor.. etc: however, through all this pain, I am happier and more tolerant of the pain. I'm exhausted too.. I feel like my blood is as light as helium, running through my veins with chaotic undercurrents of sleep. It's too hot. I hate hot weather. I like it cool, not cold, but cool. Maybe even a little crisp.. just not jaw tremblingly cold.

Last note: I'm going to take a few posts off the blog.. so if you see things disappearing, it's all part of the plan.

It puts the IM in Impersonal

I got rid of MSN Messenger and the Plenty of Fish profile (online dating site) in one shot.

Instant Messaging? Oxymoron wih most...

Instant messaging is a waste of time for me -maybe not for others, especially long dist relationships who can't afford the long dist phone costs. It's frustrating, time consuming, and it forms negative habits.. I can't tell what one really means without hearing a mood.. without seeing face or at least hearing breaks or peaks in the voice.. I get annoyed by sarcasm or just plain online rudeness. Faceless, great for creeps to hide behind. I get annoyed also at how I respond to these people.. and I hate waiting and waiting while someone takes their bloody time to reply to a simple sentence, so I get annoyed/frustrated with them easily. Why not just email me if I'm to wait so long? Am I supposed to just sit here and stare at this screen? I like multi-tasking, sure, but when I'm conversing with someone, I really like it to be a real-time conversation. Also, people can hide behind their messenger and lie their asses off, and there's no way to tell. My main beef with instant messages: impersonal interpersonal communication, lifeless and one dimensional. Like having sex through a sheet, or being blind and deaf when you're not (blind-and-deaf people must want to slap IM'rs and say "get off your ass and meet people in person"). If I am to talk to people, I want the whole real raw deal, where I have all my senses to take the experience in.

Why did I get rid of POF?

There were too many guys who were either rude, cruel, frustrating, and just not right for me. There were a lot of nice guys too, which I hope continue emailing me, but the negative experiences were just too much. Real life is just so much more visceral and exciting, and I'd prefer to talk in real time.. call me impatient, but I don't think human beings should wait 15 minutes to hear the answer to "what's up"?

I'm going to let nature take its course, put my trust in bigger forces.