PHEW

All these blog problems.. makes me tired.. but it's up and running for the time being. I'm too pooped to post much (fibro gets angry in winter) right now, but soon I hope to update you.

Phew

I'm back.. and yes - I realize that there was porn here for a couple of weeks, and no, that wasn't me.

Gordon, Post Haircut and Dance Move

After his new haircut.. Gordon Cloudlamb feels so much more frisky and alive! He - flying - attacks all sorts of imaginary beasts, proclaiming himself as master of his realm and claims dominion over all that he sees! He's also a heck of a lot cuddlier, and has to wear a coat outside, but he's enjoying the freedom of less hair in the house. He'd get too hot in the house and pant all the time, poor boy! It took two days and a load of patience, but this is the outcome. I still have stray hairs to cut, but thusfar I am pleased with how much he seems to like it. More pics on my Flickr of the haircut session..

And this is Gordon after day 1 of the haircut.. doing his signiature dance moves. SASS, pure unadulterated SASS. This is after a session of rolling on the ground and then licking my hands furiously!

Momentary Bliss Hopefully Extends..

Anyone who's ever seriously tried Yoga, Buddhist thinking, Transcendental Meditation, or just plain staring into space for long periods of time knows the feeling of a perceptional revelation or even just stumbling on a new state of being.
Yesterday, in the middle of a profound meditation session, whilst reading "Taming the Tiger Within" and generally being in a state of solid mindfulness, I stumbled like Alice into a rabbit hole I much enjoyed.
I finally understood some very intense concepts I'd been struggling with - after studying several Yogic and Buddhist texts - and realizing that sent me into a state of deep calm. What concepts?

Primarily, and more potently, the concept that happiness can only exist in the here and now, in a state of mindful focus. I've always been the kind of person that has these inner dialogues:

• I'll be happier once I am thin
  
• I'll be happy when I get married
• I'll be happy when Spring comes around
• I'll be happier when I'm richer
• I'll be happier when I can drive

Sure these are all positive things.. but will they actually intensify happiness?? No, the emotion itself feels only one way. There are different emotions that belong to the happiness "family": contentment, ecstasy, victory, peace, pride, etc... however Happy always feels like happy. Happiness is the orgasm of getting what you want, I think (yep that's my own thought, I blame it on reading all these wonderful books). How do you get an "orgasm" without having huge good things happening in your life, like winning the lottery or instantly being the exact physical shape you've always wanted?

From what I gathered from books and my own understanding, you get this state of happiness by understanding a few things:

• Many of the super duper things we want are really empty shells of what we truly want.
• Most times, when we get those super things, we are less happy than we anticipated, leaving a hunger for more.
• The great things we want are impermanent, but in our minds are eternal in a way.
• The great things sometimes come at the cost of something else.
• The great things can come at the cost of someone else.
• The super things can require more maintenance than you originally thought.
• The super things can break, and the bigger the want, the harder the separation pain.
  

And so on - there are so many things that contribute to why the huge things in life aren't what they're cracked up to be. They're not crap, however, the big things are wonderful too - but not at the sacrifice of feeling like you're unhappy all the time.

When we connect with the small happinesses more often, we feel happy more often - and therefore have more of a happy life. More serotonin, more dopamine, more of the good stuff flows through our body.

So everyday, at least once a day, I try to stay in a mindful state and count all the little things that make me happy - from the colour of the room I'm in, to the fact that I can go see Cute Overload, the fact that I have access to running water and a flushable toilet, etc etc.. the list covers such tiny and seemingly insignificant things - however, once you get started on the list, you'll find that it gets longer and longer faster each day.

During this time, I try to do mindfulness meditation as much as possible daily. You can do it while doing chores, walking, sitting, anything.. and it's really easy. At first when you're trying to get into a mindful state, you may be trying too hard if you think it's hard.. ease up and just look around you without judging anything. Just try not to think about anything, and don't zone out. This isn't about tuning out, it's about tuning in. Tune into the walls, the ground, the furniture, the people around you, your breathing, etc. Tune into everything around you.

Ok so what is the "momentary" part of the title of this post? Well, this morning the state had vanished, as my pain is nasty in the mornings.. it's like waking up in a frying pan. I need to get better at this so that it carries on into the worst of my pain, and so when I wake up I can hit the ground running instead of tumble like a butcher's charge falling out of the abattoir's wagon.

So now that the next step is seen, the work is imminent.

Hard Mornings

You ever wake up thinking about all the bad things in your life - as if someone else is making you think these things?
This morning, upon opening my peepers in vivid grogginess, my bed became bedlam as my grey jello began to cycle through many negative matters. This was completely against my consent, an alien force (figuratively speaking of course) created this mobius strip of frustrations that danced around like candy nightmares forcing me to stay in bed.
I grimaced as the thoughts went through their fourth of fifth cycle..
Too early to meditate, too late to go back to sleep - I force myself out of bed and out of the anger and depression as much as possible - as much as it takes to get out of bed.
Bed is such a prison during these times, because all I want to do is go back into oblivion and dreams. I was such a happier person a month ago, so normal, so "right" and motivated. What the hell happened? I hate what I've stumbled into, and I'm trying my hardest to get out of it. I like a more positive disposition. This is a waste of a post.
At least I get to put another cute pic up to perk someone else up ;) Don't you love it?

Again, don't worry 'bout me, I will get through this insanity. Probably my pills need changing.

Changes

The Year is so young! And with that brings promises and hopes that fill the air with a fresh burst of energy. I want this year to be another pivotal one. I want to be different, better, and happier. Who doesn't?

One thing about changing oneself and attitude is that you're whole world will change as your perspective changes, therefore offering a whole new universe. Out with the old, in with the [sic] mew :)

Isn't this bunny cute? Again, it's from one of the cute therapy sites I visit (see my cute therapy post)

Changes I wish to practice to change myself this year:

• The Eightfold Path - I want to follow this as much as I can this year, every minute of every day. I also want to study the Four Noble Truths more avidly than the past few years. These correspond with Yogic beliefs, but I'm also getting into Buddhism since a good friend of mine gave me a book on Nichiren Buddhism. I'm still more oriented towards Yoga, however.
• Get deeper into yoga - studying the Eight Limbs of Patanjali's Yoga, doing more Hatha Yoga, meditating more, and using my time more profoundly through serious introspection and observation of my surroundings. There is so much time in my life wasted by laying in bed in too much pain to move or talk, I want to fill that time with meditation and contemplation.
  
• Study the Dhamapada - which is Buddhist/Yogic, the Bhagavad Gita more deeply than I have in the past, as well as several other texts on self amelioration, perspective, enlightenment, mental expansion, right living, controlling moods and thoughts, etc etc.
  
• Work on my self esteem through reading, introspection, meditation, affirmations, exercises etc.
  
• Lose weight through moderation, good choices, but not obsession - as food control obsession tends to set me up for a big binge.
  
• Get fit through as much exercise as my illness will tolerate without flaring up. This is a tricky one indeed.
• Do more good deeds, and focus on the good deeds people do to me instead of the bad ones.
• Write more to family.
• Try new therapies for my illness (as usual) in order to get off of disability some day.
• Clean more in little ways each day.
• Read more - I want to finish Shakespeare's complete works, Dante's Inferno, and tons of self help books, yoga books, meditation etc.
• Explore the city more, if my illness will allow.
• Write a novel.
• Be nicer.
  

Some of those are lofty goal - but aim high and you will at least shoot higher than a low goal you would have otherwise set. I have more goals, but those are the big ones. Or the big ones I can remember. Now I have to get to working on a reading.

Hugs to you all :)
Em