When you're sad...

Before I go to sleep... it's been a rough day, but I got through it! I'm still here!!

My wisest life tip:

When you're sad, look at as many cute pictures as you can.. and don't give up, because somewhere out there, something ubercute is going on, something that makes this world worth all the daily crap it throws at you. Somewhere a kitten is grooming a baby mouse. Somewhere, a manatee is smiling at the sky. Somewhere, one species is helping another get through the muddy bog of this life.

Before you die, make it a point to spread the sweetness of this planet, as you make your way through the tart sorrow of suffering, and you will be a success.

I love this picture.. either I found it on Cute Overload or Imreallysad.com (My two fave websites). Anyways, interspecies love is elite sweetness.

Children and Fibromyalgia.... Controversy!

I love children, especially my nephews. They're awesome, and my life has taken a turn for the best having them in my life. They're bright rays of sunshine in any amount of darkness, even the worst days I have are brightened by just thinking of them.

I've always wanted to have a little girl (of course a little boy would be great too), teach her everything I know, empower her, make sure she has high self esteem, teach her Yoga and meditation, dress her up in cute velvet dresses!! I want to have the same relationship with her that I do with my Mom, as that is the most special relationship in my life. I want to protect my daughter, entertain her, and give her strong faith and spirituality so that during the darkest times, she knows where to find the light. I want to teach her games and read her all the books she likes. I want to keep her healthy, feed her right, exercise her right.. you know, just keep her safe in every way. I have names picked out, and my favorites are: Evelyn, Maria Louisa, Wilhelmina (Mina), Emma, Rose, Ruby, Penelope, Marie-Neige (Neige is "snow" in French), Athena, and Serenity. *Sigh*! I would be open with her, and hope she could talk to me as openly as I do with my Mom.. And I would want her to look at me as a mom, friend, and guide through this beautiful and terrible world. I'd also make sure to show her the horrors of the world slowly, desensitize her from it so she's not too fragile.. make her strong mentally and get her into self defense.. but I would emphasize the fact that the world is more beautiful and wonderful than it is terrible and horrible. But we must always be prepared and not ignorant. Ooooh I would cook with her, teach her how to crochet, sew, knit; I'd teach her all I knew about computers, too!! I'd teach her how to read Tarot!

(If I have boys, I have also picked names during the years!! Thomas, Armand, Kenneth, Xander, Oliver, Julian, Leonard, Malcolm, and Timothy/Timmy..)

Just thinking about it excited me to my core, and makes me think I would be able to do it - no matter what shit symptoms my fibro was throwing at me. I see my Sister in Law and my Mother, two great mother role-models.. both of them go through sometimes crazy circumstances (pain, cancer, being away from family, working), but are successful Mothers. Forces of nature, like water eroding huge mountains - and those mountains are Kids! So much to do, every minute of every day.

But is it fair to my child, me being so sick sometimes? Can I be selfish enough to try and have kids? I'm not the only fibrofolk with that controversial thought. Right now as it stands, here are some limitations I can foresee as being critical, opposed by a solution. I am writing this to people in a similar situation.. people that have fibro and wonder if they "can" or "should".

1. Many fibro folks have meds that they can't drive whilst taking (I hallucinate AND take the meds, so I can't drive): Taxis! Don't have the money? Find someone who will drive for less, a family member, or someone who will drive in exchange for another service (haha, very funny).

2. Pain Points are easily triggered by kids: painkillers can be taken after nursing is complete. The TENS machine can help by leaps and bounds if you know how to use it correctly. Otherwise, you're going to have to toughen up to the point of sainthood. Possible. Although I've never ever gotten mad at my nephews for hurting me, they don't know what they're doing! They don't know how much it hurts.

3. Stress makes fibro worse: plan around this with those around you. Make sure the father isn't a spazz that has the patience of a 2 year old, make sure he's supportive, educated in your issues, and that you've known him for enough time to make this conclusion. Make sure your finances are in order before you conceive, including life insurance, education funds, retirement plans, etc. Make sure the home is totally prepared for baby, everything is uber-organized, as this reduces stress. Make sure everyone around you is aware of your schedule, including a nap if that' s at all possible. Etc. Make sure you have friends that are supportive of you as well (ie, don't call you drunk in the middle of the night, or show up unannounced) - I would get rid of anyone who hinders your efforts as a mother. With Fibro, anything that causes you undue stress must be removed. Good friends and family will de-stress you for the most part!!

4. You'd have to get off painkillers, some of my other meds, for a while before and during preggerness - no way around this that I can tell. Some medications you take can be taken during the pregnancy. Talking to your doc or pharmacist may put you into a panic attack, so relax and make sure you've taken your anti-anxiety pills before you hear what you'll have to get off, and for how long. I made the mistake of asking during a stressful time.. lol. Oh, and be sitting down. ;)

5. I sometimes need naps at inconvenient times - not sure what to do here. I would probably neglect housework and live in a messy place and put 100% of my attn. on kids. I would say "screw you" to anything else that must be done, and sleep when the kid/s sleep. If anyone would have a problem with that, they're not the right partner for someone as challenged as a fibrofolk.

6. Single Mom - what if the father were to leave me? or I would have to leave him due to abuse or dead-beatness? Normal-Health single moms have enough Hell without illnesses. The only thing I can suggest here is that you get to know your man/partner as much as possible. Don't rush into baby making. Also, get several opinions on this partner (male or female, sorry if I've been sexist here), and don't even consider baby making until you've seen them:
a) Mad/Frustrated - will they hit things, get violent?
b) With Children, at least for a whole day or overnight.
c) Depressed, apathetic - will they still take care of you and baby?
d) With their mother or mother figure - says a lot about someone.
e) With you during a bad pain/fatigue day - you want to see how they'll react to you feeling like crap.

7. Fibro-Fog and child rearing: Fibrofog is basically like temporary retardation, no kidding. You are slower witted, hung over, and generally your brain is not working very well at all. Anyways, what happens when you have a bad case of it and you need to make smart decisions? Well first of all, you have to keep trying different medications until you find the right combination. The TENS machine helps fibro fog, as does circulation therapy, proper hydration, proper supplementation of the diet, proper diet - and getting an allergy test done (some allergies bring on the fog). No alcohol! No Pot! No drugs except the ones you are prescribed, and less fog will overcome you! Be prepared, have a digital assistant if you can (PDA) with all the notes you need, or a tape-recorder with several messages to help you. Proper sleep helps, but that is not always possible. Also, stay away from Aspartame, MSG, and foods that have ingredients that need a scientist to interpret. . Stay away from strong chemical fumes such as cleaners, tar, etc - as that can trigger a fog session.

8.) What happens when the pain is too much? Well, there's not much you can do other than take your pain meds on time, take a warm bath in the morning and evening, use a TENS machine, pain relief creams, get regular massages if that helps, etc. You are going to need a support system of SEVERAL people. Don't live in the middle of no where with no friends or family to help you, and make sure your partner knows what to do. Is it ethical to rely on so many other people? That depends, some people WANT to help you.. but if the people don't want to help, well that is the issue. So make your support base BEFORE you think of having a child.

9.) What happens if my disease is passed onto my child? Fibro is NOT proven to be a genetic disorder, however many still stick to their opinion that it is. My grandmother has fibromyalgia, but my father and the rest of her children do not. Same with her other grandchildren, all clean of fibro thus far. So why chance it? Well, everyone has some thing they can pass on, whether it be heart problems, lung issues, a long history of mental illness or breast cancer or high blood pressure or MS, etc. If all of us who have something horrible in our genes did not have kids-there would be no kids!! And our lives would be horribly empty. Think instead of all the positive traits you have to pass on. I'm intelligent, compassionate, spiritual, helpful, curious, a problem solver.. etc etc. I would like more people like me on this planet. What about you? Aren't there many good things about you that you'd like to propagate. Also, if your child gets your disease, you know how to stop it from escalating, you know how to get it diagnosed, you know how to treat it. They don't have to go through the years of mystery diagnosis, medicines you didn't have to take, operations you didn't have to have.. Yeah it's not 100% justifiable.. but like I said, if we all had to be perfect in order to procreate, well then we'd be screwed as a species.


Now for the CORE of what I think is the real question.

Extreme Fibro Fatigue (CFS): In my inner fight, this is one of the most valid points against having kids when you have FMS/CFS. This is what I have the most trouble with, it's not the pain - it is the fatigue. You can do more about pain than fatigue. Children need plenty of energy from mothers. They need you to exercise with them, run around, play a lot, and generally explore the world. They can't do that if their mother is immobile most of the time. They deserve energy and ability - not fatigue and disability. That is my opinion, again.

Personally, I have set myself a plan. I will give myself some time to get better. I will continue trying all the treatments I can, including the treatments for my fibroids and endometriosis that I've been doing for years. If I am better for a full year in the future, with the right support base (including partner.. lol) - to the point where I can work and clean house without being too tired and pained - I will be able to have kids. I was once like that, and I have faith that I will be like that again.

If I don't get better, well - I will not let that ruin my life. I will live my life on the alternate path and be just as happy. I don't believe that I should sentence myself to a life of sorrow if I can't have them. I can travel, paint, write, get dogs etc. I know women who have lived rich lives without kids.

What if the partner I'm with in this childless future absolutely wants to have kids and I can't? Well, I won't stand in the way of them having kids, I'd let them go! It would hurt (depending on how long I'd known them), I'm sure - but I'm not the kind of person to stand in the way of one person's set destiny. By destiny I mean what they have set out for themselves - you know "I want to be a lawyer, have kids, and have a cottage in Southern Ontario" or "I want to be a published author and visit Paris" or "I want to be a soldier and have ten kids back home." Whatever you choose for yourself and can't do without, that's your personal destiny. What if you are in the same situation but don't want to let your husband/wife go? Well you don't have to! It's up to you and your husband/wife!! I'm just thinking about this since a great deal of the men whom want to have children, and it's non negotiable. Now that I'm getting closer to 30, I want to think about all this so that I can have a firm opinion, in order to prepare myself. I want to know what I think so others know what I think. Lol.. I am so tired, and making next to no sense. It's a hard day today, hence me writing instead of doing anything.

There is what I'm thinking about lately. Why? Well my 26th Birthday, my nephews, something my doctor said, and my hormones are really making me think about my future. I'm getting older and I need to start seriously considering what I want to do with my life, I can't just let things happen on their own.. that's like riding an unbroken horse, blindfolded. I like to take that blindfold off by questioning, and breaking in the horse with contemplation. You also make a map of life through planning, I think. Less people get hurt, including yourself.

Okay, enough seriousness! I like to keep this in perspective and see how much time I have.. I'm so relatively young.

Monorail Cat

(the pic comes from a friend who frequents Brunchma.. I love this picture, it shows the comic genuis of the common kitty.)

The Yoga Sutras

(I write this as I wait for paint to dry on some final touches of a painting I'm working on..)

The Yoga Sutras by Patanjali sit in the corner of my belief foundation like a thick granite block. So many versions are out there, translations that is, and one of them particularly sticks out... but I can't seem to find it anymore. ARG. I printed it out, so luckily I have a copy of this favoured version, and I intend to publish my own interpretation of it.

Here are some free online versions you can peruse. Some of them have completely been changed to house different schools of thought.. I don't know if I agree with that, but I want to give variety here.
The Yoga Aphorisms of Patanjali
The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali translated by Charles Johnston
The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali as translated by "BonGiovanni"
The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali-Yoga.Org
The Yoga Sutras as translated by Chester Messenger
The Yoga Sutras as translated by Sanderson Beck
The Yoga Sutras as translated by Tibetan Master Djwhal Kuhl (I Really like this one)

Ok that's enough example ;)

Now, I hope to interpret it without using Gods or Psychic phenomena.. No new age flare, just basic and concise. To make it available to anyone, not just those who've studied the Sutras.

Hellraiser Remake!!!!!

Crazily Creepy

Is this not the coolest? Try watching it in the dark when you're alone.

What I've Learned from Paintings: Triage

When a painting isn't going right, I paint over the bits I don't like.. even if I'm almost done. It's going to extend the time you work on the painting, but you'll never get over that little or big mistake in the painting. Might as well trash it if you don't feel like going through all that work.

Working on a painting now, I've had to do that three times already... and now I'm waiting for the fourth to dry (acrylic, won't take long). It's one of the prettiest paintings I've done (I'll put a picture up later) and a new series of works, some of which I intend to sell or exhibit. You can't exhibit something, sell something, give something, if there's a mistake on it.

If you're tired of painting, and it's time the painting is done, be done with it. If it's aesthetically pleasing, go with it and send it out into the world. If not, put it aside and try again later when it's more fresh and you're ready for a big challenge.

Sometimes we need to stop, eyeball our situation, and decide whether to power through, put it on the back burner, or just stuff it in the garbage. Whether that is a painting, a novel, a friend or other relationship, a home improvement project, a blog post.. lol, career, etc - (just random ideas). If you're not willing to put your guts and heart and pulsing mind into the thing, then it's time to do some triage!

Some things are obviously harder than others.. paintings are simple.. just gesso over the canvas and start again, or hopefully your palette colours are still wet and you can just go over it.

Right now, only my paintings (I paint a few things at once to minimize paint loss from drying) are needing triage, happily.

This pic came from my favorite site: Cute Overload.

Smoke Angels

The picture to the right was something I saw on Astronomy Picture of the Day.. something that I view.. well, daily. I love it altogether too much.

It's called a Smoke Angel, created by planes. Beautiful isn't it? Click on it to see a HUGE version of it. Reminds me of Evangelion. Imagine seeing it for yourself, in the cockpit of a plane as you turn around to get a good look?

What is a smoke angel? Here's what APOD said:
" Explanation: What type of cloud is that? It is not a naturally occurring one. Looking perhaps a bit like a gigantic owl monster, the cloud pictured above resulted from a series of flares released by an air force jet over the Atlantic Ocean in May. The jet that released the flares, a C-17 Globemaster III, is seen on the right. The flares release smoke and the resulting pattern is sometimes known as a smoke angel. The circular eyes of the above smoke angel are caused by air spiraling off the plane's wings and are known as wingtip vortices."

Owl monster, I love that. It's one of those haunting images you can't wrap your brain around.. You think about it, you look at them, but the scope and beauty of the thing, as well as the pollution, make you mesmerized.

GRAPE AND PILLAGE!

(Huge Update Post)

Bike Ride

Oh the fun of freedom on three wheels.. Like the ladybug? That's my bell. Today I went on a long (long for me) bike ride by the Ottawa river. I want to get as much bike time as possible before the damnable snow puts a stop to my peddalry. Then I want snowshoes, so I can get wicked photos of beasts at their most winterized. Fluffy. This photo was taken halfway thru my ride.

Weight Loss progress

Yay I lost two pounds this week! Right now I'm doing behavioral conditioning to get me in touch with my non-pill-induced appetite. Harder than it sounds. Although I think this will be The Way to losing weight permanently. I can see myself doing this method every single day of my life and not getting tired of it.. Most diets are a huge pain in the ass.. but this isn't a diet. It's like you're using a computer and you don't know about a core utility program.. like specialized alarms.. this diet-changing method teaches you about the appetite alarm in your stomach... the one which many people (including myself) have learned to ignore. Now I actually FEEL hungry, and can tell the difference between psychological and physical hunger. Huge diff. So now, instead of relying on writing down all calories and all foods - this neat little notification program tells me when to start and stop eating to maintain a proper weight. Nifty. Some people are born knowing where this program is, of course.

Grape and Pill-age

Speaking of pills, I am having a party this weekend with some close friends - and of course I had to run out of painkillers. I have the hardcore twice-a-day controlled release pills, but not the "I NEED RELIEF NOW" pills. I have to stay away from alcohol, my normal method of replacing painkillers.. so basically I'm trying to use my TENS machine more and trying to meditate (I practice Raja Yoga routine, because one fuck up and I'm in big trouble. Emergency clinics don't prescribe Em-Strength painkillers. They prescribe crap like Codeine sometimes, low dose and high itch factor, just like straight Morphine. meditation) as much as possible. I'm paying more attention to my regular HathaOooh but I still like Morphine. Codeine metabolises into Morphine, but for some reason, it doesn't really tickle my fancy. Hurts my tummy more than Morphine. I'm on different pills that I'd rather not broadcast. They are the freedom givers. They free up some RAM for me, which is taken up by randomized pain-to-psyche distraction. A very temporary defrag.. but worth it.

People and Pain

Certain people lower pain... just by talking to them or being around them (etc). Mainly my Mom, my 2 close girlfriends, and a new Manfriend of mine is really quite good at it! - but one cannot rely on others... for a few good reasons... A) they can die B) they can decide they don't want you in their life C) they might get sick of being around you.. hehehe. I don't see my girlfriends as often as I'd like.. and my platonic guy friends.. wink wink.. come on guys, take me out!!!

Doggy and Pain

Of course Gordon helps a lot. Just looking at him and being around him makes me swoon with puppy love!! I groom him, train him, and play with him every day... and in my pain database, which I enter data in daily to track pain and other issues, I refer to my time with him as "PT" - puppy therapy.

Database and Research - Almost reaching the year mark!!

Yup, I have a database for my ails. Right now it's just a shitty spreadsheet, but I'm working on making a better database. I've had it for almost a year, so soon I will be able to work with the data and do something constructive with it. I've already tracked some very important patterns, which I will submit to various research organizations for Fibro, Endo, and CFS. New data, I think, as I am usually up to date on the latest published research in those fields. You can't rely on doctors to help you, Fibrofolks, Endofolks, and CFSfolks.. nope. Get researching, get reading.. I know it's hard at times, but it's worth it. BTW, I also like to make graphs.. hehehe pie charts, bar charts.. 3D even.. of course this takes me a shit load of time since I'm foggy in the head. I'll publish some here when I'm done sending it to the proper research institutes.

Electro-Goodness

My TENS machine was finally approved to be covered by the red-tape-beauties at Essential Health Services!! I was paying 51$ a month for the other one.. Hard decisions had to be made in my budget to incorporate this expense. Now I can go back to massages, and daily vitamins. Frigg, vitamins and supplements seem to be rising in price. I have a 1/2 cup of pills to take each day, including vitamins, painkillers, other supplements, etc. Isn't that funky? For the past two months I've cut on the vitamins and other supplements, so it comes to a 1/4 cup... but I've been feelings like crapola in certain areas. Some of the supplements I take: Spirulina, Multivitamin, extra Chromium, extra B vitamins, MSM, Omega 3-6-9, extra Calcium, etc. Why the extra? Well two main reasons 1) some of the pills I take eat essential nutrients 2) some experts call for more than the norm in terms of nutrients.

So that's the update. I have lots more to say.. but some of it is private and will only be shared with the proper females in my life!! And other stuff is still to come. I'm doing well, getting better inch by inch, am more happy than usual, and that's that! :) Thanks for reading this huge update ;)

Grooming Tips for Dogs

So cute, and so hard to snap a picture of: Gordon!

This is after his daily grooming. I brush his hair, remove all eye gunk, pluck ear hairs (some breeds require this to prevent wax mats), I also cut any hairs that are in his way... lol. He's getting better and better at tolerating this.

TIPS for doggy owners:

To remove really stubborn eye gunk, goo, or crusties - encrusted like mats in the hair near eyes: wet a kitchen paper towel with warm water (test on you skin (delicate skin like inner wrist), and massage the mat for about 2 minutes. Use a fine tooth comb, and comb AWAY from the direction of the eye. If it's still too tough, massage for 2 more minutes, then try again. Still not coming out? Use the comb to hold the mat, and then use small scissors (with rounded points) to cut it off completely. This cutting method is used often, as it has the added bonus of preventing future, more complicated, mats. Eye crusties are a pain in the butt, but they won't be such a problem if you handle them EVERY day or every two days. This will also cut down on tear stains that cause those dark circles under the eye. I don't so much mind the look of them, but I'd rather Gordon be comfortable without the crusties!!! - Now getting the dog to stay still is the challenge.. lol. And it depends on the dog. I put Gordon between my legs and keep him in a lock. Sounds kinky? Then you're messed up ;) heheheheheh

I love grooming time, and I try to do it every day at the same time. Dogs love schedule.. they become stressed when their schedule is messed with, and they calm down when the schedule is pristine and regular. Grooming time is usually after my breakfast and his breakfast (always eat before your dogs). I start with an overall brushing, and end with things he hates!! Lol.

Try to end with anything close to the eyes, and anything close to the feet. Did you know dogs are ticklish between their toes? So cute. I've gotten my worst tickle war wounds from Gordon's front feet.. gosh he gets so excited.. lol.

Ear plucking can also be a hard task, but if you do it a few times a day, a pluck at a time, every thing's okay. Even once a day is acceptable if you know how to do it. Reach in, not too deep, and pinch some hair between your thumb and forefinger, and pull it very quickly. Some dogs might bite, in that case, be sure to have a treat BEFORE the dog bites. Of course we never treat our pups for biting. Bad idea ;)

That's enough for that, I hope you enjoy the new pic 'o' Gord!!!