What I learned this year....

Here are some things I learned this year. In no special order...

• A man about to retire is happy, a man who's just retired is confused, a man in the second month of retirement is frustrated and angry, etc. Retirement is like a little death, and not the holiday that was planned.
• Have patience with people when you'd want them to have patience with you. Especially when you're being a grumpy bum.
• Nice guys are normal guys with a "nice" mask and a reason for wearing it. Bad guys are normal guys with a "bad" mask on, and a reading for wearing it. Normal guys are guys who either are enlightened enough not to wear a mask, or too lazy to bother.
  
• Men like to show me pictures, videos, and in person shows of their genitalia. I don't know why, but it's funny to talk about over dinner with friends.
  
• Puppies are a lot more work than I thought. But they also add a certain unique fullness to life, and a reason for me to get up in the morning. Also, Gordon is a great name for a Bichon Frise with a penchant for kisses.
• Eating Binges are an addiction and need to be treated as such. They're not the same as drug addictions, but the temptations are everywhere - and food is accessible everywhere and every day. Cheaper than illegal drugs. Although I'd rather be addicted to binging than crack or meth. Especially meth. Anyways, as soon as you see it as an addiction and treat it that way, it get easier, and hope is more tangible for recovery.
• Guild Wars, Silk Road, Eve Online are all incredibly addictive.
• Cute pictures have the power to turn a frown into an awwwwwww :)
• If someone or something appears too good to be true, be suspicious - it is too good to be true and you're about to get sucker punched.
• If you make a goal, in order to reach it - you have to work on it everyday, as well as your motivations for said goal. If you leave it alone for too long, it'll disappear over the horizon.
• TENS machines work.
• The old concept of one bad deed against you taking up the same space as 10 good deeds in the thought loops of the mind. Rude people, mean people, etc.. It's good to forcefully remember the good deeds on you, list them, and then the bad deeds seem much less important.
• People will never fully understand that touching my arms hurts like hell.. lol.
• I let out only a little bit of myself at a time when getting to know someone - I used to be an open book. When did that happen?
• Blocking people isn't an insult, it's a preventative medicine. Especially men who need to send me penis pictures involving small stuffed animals.
  

That's it for now, time for me to go and celebrate a little. More on 2006 later.

Artistic Inspiration Turned Toxic

Here's a great Koi Fish tattoo design a friend of mine emailed me when I was working on a painting for another friend.

It was a great source of inspiration, although she never gave me the source of the painting. I'm still looking for the source, as I hate to add a photo without knowing at least the environs of whence it came.

Lately I've been extremely inspired to do art, almost devotionally so. The problem with being overly inspired is that it imbalances the artistic process.

Inspiration, of course, is only a small part of the artistic process. Here is the recipe for good artistic production, in my opinion:



1. Inspiration and Drive to Create, a non subjective feeling
2. Time and energy to create the piece
3. A clear idea of what you want to create - and in what medium
4. Patience and Focus to Create (ie. Sit down or stand up and work on the thing)
5. A good skillful day.. some days are sloppy skill days, especially if you've been working your brain too hard.
6. Work, of course
7. Persistence to finish the piece, and finish it well

If you just have inspiration and nothing else, your work is going to be crap and you might as well just throw the canvas or sculpture in the trash! I have painted over several paintings that I just hated, simply because I was lacking in many departments... even though the inspiration was there. With that particular painting I spoke of (the fish one) I had a hard time.. I painted it over a few times, it was a rushed thing-a gift with short notice.. I need to have freedom of time to create something really impressive.

During times of nearly no inspiration, I've created my best works.. usually when my attention span and energy were balanced and life was low stress. Sure the works lacked the punch of inspiration-fueled work, but they were so much more detailed and beautiful.

Inspiration and drive must be tempered in order to be of any use, as it is in any situation in life. When you're just overly enthusiastic and impetuous - things just don't get done as well as they could, it's sloppy, it's lacking in finer "details", lacking meaning. Without being tempered, inspiration can build up enthusiastic energy and drive us mad from lack of productivity - lack of manifesting this inspiration.

Without being a proper conduit for this powerful energy, and letting it build up and fester like a compost heap, inspiration is toxic. You feel shitty because you can't do anything with it, you start blaming your skills, your resolve, your effectiveness in whatever area this inspiration comes from. You stop producing and start brooding. Further down the line you could stop the hobby, job, or whatever it is, entirely. How toxic is that?

Many of my clients have had this occur to them. This desire, this need, this ecstatic energy comes over them to (create art, run a business, travel, etc) but there lacks the tempering to ground this energy. Many have quit being in business, many have quit being artists, many have quit traveling.. too much hassle! Too much frustration! Too many negative feelings! I feel so sad when I hear this, and of course I counsel them to take steps to temper this energy - usually a lot before this kind of negative toxicity happens - if I can catch it in time.

How does one temper desire? Well in art, what I do is artistic exercises. You work on the skill in detail, in small steps. (Again in relation to art) Perspective exercises, shadow and light exercises, realism exercises.. you just work on your craft in small ways here and there - and as often as possible. Daily exercises work quite well. Of course I need to work on this more, as I am stuck in that inspiration rut. It's a good idea to write down all the ideas you have when you're inspired, even the little ones, as in my opinion, that is the best way to utilize inspiration.. when you're in a hard working mood, you can bring those inspirations to fruition.

Sleepy!

Still okay :)

I just don't want to worry friends - I'm okay, I just needed to vent!!

I'm doing well and from time to time I just need to express the anger I can't express to certain people or anger I just don't want to express to family.

Ooooh rabbit on a scale!! I love chubby animals.. nuthin betta

Stale Biscuits

I'm still feeling out of sorts. I thought I'd write about it... and post a cute pic ;) which has little or nothing to do with my thoughts.

Missed
I feel like I've missed the bus
Standing on the platform at dusk
Broken shoes unwalkable cracked
Not dressed for this weather
A note with a number, a hope, snatched
By the wind, by fate, by digits unseen
The bus is gone and where
Do I go from here?
Walk?

It's like apathy is growing within me, a dry urge to foresake the future and live apart from the herd. It's a deep disgust, a fight-or-flight reaction. I just don't trust other people all that much, and recent events have made me trust them a lot less. Thus is the refrain in my head.

Of course there's still the positivity - but it's so abstract now. Like a little rabbit that runs away if you get close enough to alert it with your scent. I want to grab it and feel positive always, potently, and with a zest I used to feel before I ever risked myself to open up.

Sleepy always, fatigue to the core - wherefrom did this new burst of depression come? Who knows? It's not me, it's the disease of depression.. I know it's not me because I would never have such dark thoughts.

Ain't that kitty cute? This world is still pretty.

Friday's Thoughts.

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PICS:

Ok - first, the Guinea Pig pic is for me. I love guinea pigs, and I love animals in costume. I also love cuteness. I forget where I found this pic, probably Cute Overload or Imreallysad.com - where-ever it was... it's darned adorable.

The second pic, the pug pic, another one I have no clue where I got (I just collect them for sad days) - is for Colleen's enjoyment.

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Thought for today:

"Ambition and anger will disappear when you stop concerning yourself with the fruit of your actions." - Buddha



I'm still doing okay.. trying to flush myself of anger, depression, sadness, and frustration. I am still keeping my head above water. Hopefully you are too.

"Singledom"

I feel rather discouraged in relationships today. Like somehow the world of dating is just not meant for me. How'd you like to be the guy that turned someone off dating.. lol. Not even the guy who grabbed my boobs in the Ottawa art gallery turned me off dating. I guess this might just be the straw that broke the camel's back. My need to hump and kiss and cuddle and feel romantic love is just not as strong as my need for emotional and physical self preservation.

Is choosing to be celibate the ultimate freedom? You can go out when you want, do what you want when you want.. no responsibilities, no fights, no friction.. no trying to please someone constantly... no worrying if they're cheating on you - or if some slutty sly girl is gunning for your man... no waiting to go to bed, no sharing a bed or blankets, no worrying about farting or snoring when you sleep, no worrying about if your legs are shaved or not, no worrying about when and how he's going to say I love you for the first time... or when he'll propose (I've only been in one relationship where I wondered that.. the rest I knew were not the marrying kind).. no stupid friends you hate of his.. no friends poisoning them with their "advice"... no complaining about if you're showing enough love or too much - am I too clingy? Does he hate me? Is he using me? Is this some big prank someone's setting up just to see me break into little pieces.. well those last three are probably a product of paranoia - which is a product of so many fucked up relationships.

Would being permanently single be such a bad thing? Or would millions of married folk pray to be in your shoes?

Who knows.. Maybe I am just not attractive as a mate. Maybe I am Em the friend, the fuck, your distraction, your temporary plaything.. the plan B in case you can't find Miss Right. I dislike that notion, but I still can wonder it, can't I?

I need to get my thoughts out, my anger at the men who've hurt me all these years. 11 years of dating.. a long time to be disappointed over and over again. Maybe you've done it more years. Of course, the promise of true love is always a good lure. A cruel lure.

Maybe my heart's still open. Maybe I still believe things can work out in my romantic life. I've lost touch, trying to stay happy - keep my head and heart above the dangerous and caustic waters of depression. I sit myself down each time I get depressed, read a book on Buddhism or Yoga or happiness.. or I talk myself up for a good 10 minutes.. it helps. My head goes under water a few times a day, but I will find that island where I can relax away from the threat of depression. Maybe Christmas will cheer me up. Don't you just love that picture of the cat?

Internet Trends that Work.

Animal pictures (usually cat)
+ silly speak
= a trend I like.

Click here to see more. DO IT.

<--- This is my favorite so far.

An alternate to this caption I would suggest:
"I'm in ur foodstuffs, adding sum sauz"

Enough for now!

Feeling better

Hello friends..
Well I'm feeling better. Last night I was sitting there, depressed, and I said, "I'm tired of being depressed.. I'm going to do everything it takes to smile."
So I sat there, looked at some pics (including this one), wrote out a list of things to be happy about, wrote out a list of reasons I like being me, did some pranayama, meditated, read a book on Buddhism, and then smiled.
I was finally done being depressed. Thank goodness. I hate being depressed. The root of my depression is my fear of being alone.. and when you fear being alone, there's nothing like Yoga, Buddhism, and other kinds of spiritual philosophy to remind you that:
a) We're never really alone
b) We're always alone
c) Alone is a word that can be used as a positive or a negative.. so try your hardest to see it as positive.
I have a wonderful family, wonderful friends, and I'm extremely spiritual and in that have strong belief that we can never be alone - even if we try.
Depression is a Devil on your back, whispering nonsense and pushing you down the spiral staircase into your own personal Hell. Fight back in any way you can, and escape the prison of your own attitude. My attitude kept me down for seven days, but now those seven days are over and I'm all the better for it.
So no worries :)

The Emotional Pain Turns Physical..

Pictured left is Lisa Sweet's "Backwards Figment" - She's one of my favorite digital artists, if not THE favorite.. as she seems to be extremely apt to describe how I feel.. This is one of her newer pieces, although this is NOT a TENS Machine (I own one) - it reminds me of one... and my eyes sometimes feel like they're being electrocuted (a symptom I have) - so this is a great example of that aptness. Not only physically, but today I feel like my eyes are the enemy. I followed them down a path with a man, and I should have listened to my intuition instead. My intuition usually knows best. Two days before the breakup I knew it was over. I felt like shit emotionally for no reason - like I was already broken up. But I'm not broken up, I'm still whole. I'm just in physical pain from fibro, and emotional pain from loss. We're always whole, nothing can truly tear us apart. There's always a small piece of us that's eternally safe from all harm.

Mary Poppins HORROR recut

My boyfriend showed this to me and I really think it'd be a blockbuster!!! What do you think?